The White House Puts Their Pants on One Leg at a Time

From the White House twitter feed:
America has a fever and the only cure is more cowbell!

We could have had medication but since we won't get health care reform, it's pretty much just cowbell.

10 Mets Predictions for the Rest of 2009

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor, leaving only Frankie Rodriguez as the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Kevin Tor and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Tor's Take for Kevin's.

10) "On a Razor's Edge" - Angel Pagan is thrown out at home plate when Razor Shines delays the signal to send him. He later blames a slow internet connection for not receiving the go ahead from "Razor Shines - Aquafina 3rd Base Coach of Life."

9) "Generation L" - The post-game DynaMets Dash leaves 13 children with torn ACL's. Jerry Manuel says they weren't mentally tough enough.

8) "Toxic As-Mets" - The Wilpons invest their ownership stake in the New York Mets with Charles Ponzi.

7) "Sh*tty Field" - Citi Field is forced to relinquish its name in bankruptcy. George Steinbrenner buys the naming rights and calls it "Not Yankee Stadium"

6) "Doesn't Ring a Bell" - On a foul ball, Cowbell Man breaks his tolling hand. The Mets rush him back three days later. He will now be out through 2011.

5) "Mets Make a Deal!" - The Mets release Oliver Perez, reacquire Scott Kazmir, then trade Kazmir to the Free Agents for Perez.

4) "Tony So-pants-o" - The Mets rehire Tony Bernazard who removes his pants before challenging Adam Rubin to a fight.

3) "See No Feeble" - Tickets for seats down the lines become harder to buy as Mets fans start to clamor for seats where at least some of the field is obstructed.

2) "Home Run Poor-ch" - Pepsi, not wanting to have its name associated with the Mets, have sold the rights to the "ShopRite Brand Cola Porch"

1) "A-dam Good Catcher?" - Adam Rubin blogs about Brian Schneider's offensive struggles. Omar Minaya accuses him of lobbying for the Mets starting catcher position.

And don't forget to check out Kevin's Top Ten at Tor's Take.

(thanks to Amicuses Bloggus BiMus, Amir, and EB for the help.)

Their Trio's Down to Two

"Blame it on the Voices" has a picture of the cutest thing you'll see on the internet today, under the headline "Real Life Timon and Pumba:"

Although it makes you question all that "And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind" talk... Kinda makes you wonder if Hakuna Matata even means no worries for the rest of your days.

Maybe the Green Party is Running on a Pro Crack Platform?

Seriously, what's going on?

Last week, I linked to what I thought was the outrageous sexualization of politics in Germany - billboards that show Angela Merkel and Vera Lengsfeld showing plenty of cleavage with the slogan: "We have more to offer" emblazoned over the chancellor's breasts:I thought that was absurd, but I had no idea. This morning, the great Sociological Images blog brings us an even crazier political ad:

The text reads: “The only reason to choose Black. Time for Green.”

Because black people are only good for squeezable asses?

We should also notice that the squeezing is being done by nail polished fingers- seemingly, female. So they get to check off sexism as well as racism. They have a huge lead in bigotry Bingo, right now.

I guess we should just be glad that this trend hasn't hit the U.S. yet, or in the last election cycle, the Democratic Party may have brought out an even uglier side of Dick Cheney.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 5

By now, you either know the story of Plaxico Burress or won't care about this blog post. The quick reminder: Last year, Burress illegaly carried a handgun into a New York City club and shot himself in the thigh, because, hilariously, he was carrying it in his sweatpants waistband.

Well, today he pleaded guilty and got... 2 years in prison:

Burress pleaded guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, a lesser charge than he initially faced. Under a plea agreement, he agreed to a two-year prison sentence and two years of supervised release.

So Plaxico Burress, for accidentally shooting himself gets two years in jail.

So here is our updated system of how bad different crimes are, to the best of my ability to think logically, based on our criminal justice system:

1. WORST > Stealing Lance Armstrong's Bicycle (3 years in jail)
2. VERY BAD > Accidentally Shooting Yourself (2 years)
3. SOMEWHAT BAD > Organizing Dogs To Kill Each Other for Sport (18 months PLUS 6 football games)
4. EH, NO BIG DEAL > Killing Someone While Driving Drunk (30 days)

Oh, and if you want to provide Health Care for people, you are guilty of genocide. Though on this scale, I am not sure you'd get much of a punishment for genocide. Assuming, of course, that you didn't also steal people's bicycles while wiping out their ethnic group.

This all continues to make sense.

As Ben Brafman said (and man, it's hard to agree with that guy... but- you know- even broken shlocks are right twice a day):

"This was not an intentional criminal act... In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment... If Plaxico Burress were not a high-profile individual, there never would be a case."

America. Sigh.

Rush Limbaugh: "Barney Frank's Epidermis is Showing"

Two videos have been circulating today.

The first is a video of Barney Frank reacting to a woman asking him why he supports Barack Obama's Nazi health care policies:

Frank's key quote:

"On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

The second is Rush Limbaugh's reaction to that video:

Limbaugh's key quote:

"Isn’t it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends most of his time living around Uranus?"

Then Rush Limbaugh grabbed Barney Frank's arm and slapped Frank with his own hand, asking repeatedly"why are you hitting yourself?" Limbaugh then gave himself the circle circle dot dot, circle circle square square combination, packed up his radio equipment and headed home, where his mom had Oxycontin waiting for him - cut into triangles, just the way he likes it.

Budget Travel's Got Some Wild Ideas

The September issue of Budget Travel Magazine got to the office today and I think it might be making some everything bagel-like commitments:

(Because you clearly can't read it, the words near the ladies face are "This could be you!")

I appreciate the confidence, Budget Travel. But I am pretty sure it can't be. Not on a budget, at least. That sort of surgery is expensive.

post-script
The bottom left of the cover reads "The World on Sale: 15 places to enjoy the best of shoulder season." I don't have a joke. I just have questions.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What's Going On Here?

(Hattip amicus bloggus Adam)

Big news from the music world:

Dennis Haskins, A.K.A. "Mr. Belding" from the popular television series "Saved By The Bell," is set to release a one-of-a-kind, first ever celebrity CD/DVD karaoke package on September 1, 2009 titled "Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. 'Mr. Belding.'"

I don't like to miss anything that's both one-of-a-kind and first ever! Especially with amazingly unwordy titles such as:


Incredibly, Dennis Haskins' website confirms that this is for real, though I have no idea why he's making an "I just farted into a champagne glass... because I'm classy, that's why" look. Also, are those bunions growing from his chin? Did he forget to brush off the crumbs from the Entenmann's donut he just finished?

But most unclear is the song list. Why stretch for obscurity like Piano Man and Georgia when there are classics right at your fingertips? How much more likely would you be to buy this with the following track list:
1) "Break a Sweat" (Hot Sundae)
Saved by the Bell Workout


2) Friends Forever

3) "I'm so excited"


After that one, I never attempted to study for a math test after joining a girl band again.

4) [UPDATE 4:29 PM - thanks to Adam] "Cool School" (Regardless of what the thermostat says)


And the greatest closing song in the history of karaoke CDs
5) "Farewell to Bayside"

The least he could do is attempt "The Sprain" on the dvd. Come on Mr. Belding. Be as cool as Rod. For once.

ESPN Isn't Buying Patrick Kane's B.S.

Blackhawks star Patrick Kane allegedly assaulted a cabbie who would not give him 20 cents change. He spent time in jail, and now the grand jury is hearing his case.

Well, this morning, he issued the following apology:

"Because I put myself in being in the wrong position in the wrong time, I've caused a lot of pain for my family and my hometown of Buffalo, the city of Chicago, the Chicago Blackhawks and obviously the great fans we have here in Chicago," Kane said. "And for that part I sincerely apologize."

We've seen a lot of non-apology apologies in the sports world (Omar Minaya's recent pretend apology to Adam Rubin comes to mind) but this one seems exceedingly egregious. Kane doesn't mention what actually happened, and apologizes for being in the wrong position. Kane didn't give up a goal. This is about more than positioning. This is obviously BS.

But the amazing part is that ESPN's news story calls him out on it. The paragraph right after his quote explains (emphasis mine):

Kane's statement, given before the start of the U.S. Olympic men's hockey orientation camp, lasted less than a minute and added no new details of what transpired in Buffalo, given the ongoing legal proceedings.

Even better than that... here is ESPN's lede to that story. I am not editing it in any way:

Patrick Kane said he was "sincerely" sorry for his actions that led to his recent arrest following an altercation with a cab driver in Buffalo, N.Y.

That's amazing. In their reporting of the facts, ESPN called Patrick Kane's apology "sincere" in quotes.

There are so many examples of media trying to present facts as equal even when one side is clearly right (think about how much airtime the "birthers" got recently), it's refreshing to see a news piece call out bullshit where it so obviously exists.

Patrick Kane - As a fan, ESPN "accepts" your apology.

"What? That happens. Actually, a LOT of Porn Movies Start that Way"

A man was caught masturbating on the number 3 train. (Otherwise known as "the train I ride every day.") Worse for him- he was caught on cell phone camera:

It's tough when they've got you on camera, but still... people videoed/ pictured have gotten off before (sure, pun intended.) How is he going to get out of this one? The Shaggy Defense? The Little Man Defense? What's he going to go with (emphasis mine)?

"That's me in the pictures, my private parts fell out," Bishop told cops, according to court documents. "I looked down and it was out, it just popped out. I was trying to put it back... I deeply apologize for what happened," Bishop told police, according to the court documents. "I do admit the whole truth."

Well, this is ridiculous! I simply don't understand why the world hasn't started designing pants that completely cover penises. We have scientists working on cancer and watermelon and pheromones, but not one engineer has yet to create a pair of pants that could guarantee that your penis won't fall out and your hand won't accidentally rub it in a way that could be misconstrued as masturbation? It's unconscionable that men everywhere walk around experiencing exactly the same thing that happened to this guy - out of nowhere, our penises will just fall out of our pants.

Weak, science. Weak.

Word of the Day: Shoahdenfreude

Shoahdenfreude- [shoh-ah'd-n-froi-duh] noun

satisfaction or pleasure obtained from the fictional misfortunes of nazis
(example= There was a general consensus at the kiddush club that watching "Inglourious Basterds" was a real experience of Shoahdenfreude.)

[thanks to fraterus bloggus, Amir, for the help]

Sorry Mario, But Your Princess is in Another... OH GOD, THEY'RE LEARNING!

I am sharing this because...

1. Sharing means caring
2. This is genuinely very funny and fodder for an excellent sketch. What if the ghosts in pacman figured out how to eat the fruit? Or the Foot clan figured out that they could eat pizza and power up? ("That's why the Ninja Turtles never die! I've hit them with my sword sooo many times. This is crazy. The boxes are just sitting there! Beebop, Rocksteady... You guys have to eat this!")
3. According to my Google Reader, this comes from Iran! Doesn't that make you feel a little happy inside? We may not agree about all weapons, but we all see eye to eye about proper usage for mushrooms, flowers, and invincibility causing stars.
   

Today is the Day the Cranks were Right

Remember when the Reality TV boom hit and moralist cranks everywhere bellowed a cacophony of warnings about the repercussions of mixing "reality" and tv? And then all those The Truman Show-like movies came out about these terrible games where we will have people kill themselves for our enjoyment. Well, the cranks were right:

TV host Wallace Souza is accused of ordering hits on criminal rivals and then covering the deaths for ratings... Wallace Souza, a state legislator and former host of a police TV show called "Canal Livre," also was a drug trafficker, officials say. And to get rid of the competition -- and drive up ratings -- he would order that criminal rivals be killed and then would have his camera crews arrive first on the scene, authorities say.

Sorry Cranks. You were right.

Movies like this always scared my mom. And if these are coming true, I fear she'll never get over her next biggest movie-fear:

That someone will steal Sandra Bullock's identity.

"But It Was A Really Sweet Car"

Any one who is involved with child pornography in any way has serious psychological, moral, and legal problems. But when your need for child pornography is so great that you negotiate trading a car for naked pictures of an 11-year old, you are -amazingly- MUCH more screwed up than a typical child pornographer (and that is a hard level to be much more screwed up than). But two people in Spain are actually that messed up:

Spanish police have arrested an 18-year-old for allegedly trying to sell nude photographs of his 11-year-old sister in exchange for a car... The teenager did not get the car, but he did post several nude photographs of his sister online as a sample of what he could offer to the potential buyer, a 25-year-old man who has also been arrested, a police inspector said.

So here are the levels of screwed up as we have them:
1) People involved in child pornography
2) People so involved in child pornography that they'd sell their car for it

and i think we have to add a third level...
3) People who don't actually care about child pornography, but want a car so badly that they'd distribute pictures of their little sister

Seriously, isn't the 18 year old brother even more screwed up than the 25 year old? The 25 year old is screwed up because he cares about child pornography, because something in his brain makes him interested in that. That's messed up. And thankfully, illegal. But the 18 year old brother is screwed up because he doesn't care about child pornography and he doesn't care to the extent that he doesn't care if other people do care. He doesn't care so much that he'd swap pictures of his underage sister... for a car. It's not even a big deal to him. And that- to me- is sicker.

To care about child pornography is sick, to not understand why people care about creeps who are attracted to child pornography is insane.

This one other tidbit from the story made my brain go whaaaa (emphasis mine):

Police soon arrested the 25-year-old man in Santander for suspected child pornography. He allegedly entered online social networking sites posing as a young girl, aiming to persuade girls to post nude photographs of themselves, the police statement said.

What? That was his plan? He went with "hey, I am totally just another regular girl your age. isn't hanna Montana the best? We should have an online sleepover! where we're naked. let's send pictures. And remember, I am just a regular, girl your age and not a 25 year old mustachioed creep emailing from a windowless van, so it's ok."

If they're going to be creeps out there, I am much happier that they be incredibly dumb and hopefully unable to achieve their disgusting goals. This includes the 18 year old, who "did not get the car, but he did post several nude photographs of his sister online as a sample of what he could offer to the potential buyer."

I only wish he was too dumb to figure out how to post photos online.

ESPN's Headlines Designed to Minimize Clickthrus

Did I say "make you want to read the story"-? I meant "are the whole story."

From my Google Reader, right now. Click to enlarge:


Ah, but what else is this story about? For those details, you'll have to read the whole article.

Or just read the headline again.

"Uh... My Policies are Up Here"

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Hal)

A new campaign has popped up, brought to you by Vera Lengsfeld of the conservative party in Germany:What is it?

They show photographs of [each of Angela Merkel and Vera Lengsfeld] in an evening dress showing plenty of cleavage with the slogan: "We have more to offer" emblazoned over the chancellor's breasts.

In this country, the conservative party rails against big government and in Germany they support big... you know what, never mind. This really is too despicable for breast related double entendres. And I love breast related double entendres!

Lengsfeld "explanation:"

"If only a tenth of them also look at the content of my policies, I will have reached many more people than I could have done with classic street canvassing."

Vera, no one votes for the cow, when they get the milk for free.

Doesn't this smack of actresses who start in porn but want to transition into real movies. That doesn't happen because pornography isn't viewed of as legitimate art. Therefore, there is no ability to transition to real movies. By debasing Angela Merkel, Vera Lengsfeld has rendered herself illegitimate. She has made herself into the "boobs" candidate, and you don't transition from that into mainstream politics. Sadly, she brought Angela Merkel's chest down to her level. Like the absurd discussion over Hillary Clinton's neckline, Angela Merkel did nothing to ask for this treatment.

Lastly, could you ever imagine a male candidate EVER adopting another man for a similar campaign?
The Conservative party - We know how to handle packages. Let us take care of yours.

I didn't think so.

New Facebook Redesign

A girl with the thinnest skin in the world (take your time imagining what that would actually look like) got rhinoplasty surgery because of a facebook comment:

Lowri Ryland, 21, was horrified when a friend posted a message on her site saying: 'With a nose that big you should wear a mask to cover it up.' The stunning brunette, who has just completed her law degree at Cardiff University, immediately made an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon and drew £3,500 from her savings for the operation.

I empathize. I once got liposuction because people kept facebook poking me.

It worked out great for me. How's it going for her?

She has now replaced her Facebook picture with a new one showing her redesigned nose. 'Since putting pictures of the new me on Facebook, I've been inundated with compliments,' she said.

Of course, there is also this new picture of her circulating online, found in the Daily Mall's article:

Man, with surgical scars that big, she should wear a mask to cover it up.

Steptoe's Agent Comin Off Like a Syn-Dick

As a Mets fan, I know that injuries happen. (Well, as a Mets fan, I know that injuries constantly happen, sometimes in comically inept ways, and are also always much worse than whatever the team announces.) That goes double for a sport like football where players actually- you know- hit each other and put their body at constant physical risk.

But are all football injuries created equally? On that question, ESPN.com has an intriguing story lead:

Cleveland Browns reserve receiver Syndric Steptoe will miss the season with a torn labrum in his shoulder, and his agent says coach Eric Mangini's decision-making is to blame, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported.

Ooh! What did Mangini do? Did he have him practice even though Steptoe said he was injured? Did he pressure him into doing too much to save his job? Did he make him do up-downs until Blue is no longer tired and thirsty?

"Obviously, hindsight gives one a different perspective," Stanley said. "But if the practice had stayed a walk-through, Syndric wouldn't be preparing for season-ending surgery right now. The decision produced a bad result for the kid and the team.''

I agree. In fact, I think we should extend his logic much further. If instead of playing football at full speed against other elite athletes who are looking to tackle you with all the force of their bodies, these players were able to run at half speed and not be tackled at all... can you imagine how many fewer injuries there would be?

If the NFL would just completely change the rules and style of the sport that Syndric Steptoe is paid $ 300,520 to play, he would probably have never torn his labrum.

For shame, NFL!

Now, did Mangini have to rub it in by pre-emptively showing the great condition of his labrums at his opening press conference?Debatable. But, I'd like to think that yes, yes he did have to rub it in.

I am suddenly very much in the mood for a hug.

How Many Poles Does it Take to Turn a Radio into a Strip Club?

One! If you name your radio station "The Pole"

A new radio station called 101.5 the Pole just launched in Colorado, playing nothing but the finest in strip-club music from the eighties, nineties, and today.

Finally a radio station for people with the audible desires of strip clubs but not the sexual ones.

For the second time this week, we're seeing a business model misinterpret why people like strip clubs. People don't go to strip clubs for the ambiance. They don't go because they love the music, or they like the buffet.

People go to strip clubs for one reason and one reason only:

To help fund tuition.

If we start seeing someone selling watered down alcoholic drinks, bottled "air of desperation" perfume, or semen stained chairs, we've officially got a trend.

The Worst Julie and Julia Puns

This isn't the first time we've done this, and it's time once again to check out how some movie critics are doing with their "Julie and Julia" puns. Remember- it's tough out there for a movie critic. Being original is HARD.

"Enjoy" these cliched or incredibly forced food puns:


A.O. Scott (New York Times)
"Trimming some fat from Ms. Powell’s rambling book (and draining some of the juice as well)"
"Bon appétit!"

David Edelstein (New York Magazine)
The title of his review is "Half-Baked"
When actors like these are cooking, it’s better than haute cuisine.
Ephron is an enthusiastic cook, so the film has some foodie texture

• NOTE: This isn't even a pun because it doesn't mean anything. What the hell is Foodie texture?(Google is with me.) Maybe he means this literally? I have no idea.
  

Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
"Meryl Streep — at her brilliant, beguiling best — is the spice that does the trick for the yummy Julie & Julia"

Joe Morgenstern (Wall Street Journal)
"The Julie segments, though, are pallid by comparison—dollops of margarine that barely hint at butter... The Julie parts keep forcing us to go cold turkey."

Carrie Rickey (Philadelphia Inquirer)
"Meryl Streep is saucy as Julia Child"
"Even if you don't give a shiitake mushroom about food, there's much to savor in this lively comedy with dramatic aftertastes."

Claudia Puig (USA Today)
"Though not an all-out feast, Julie & Julia is spiced with plenty of humor and affection. The experience is well worth relishing."

Christopher Orr (New Republic)
"I left Ephron's film hungry for another helping of Julia Child"

And these are the people that I generally like (well, some of these people.) The key for movie crtics to keep in mind... You don't have to do these awful puns. It's okay to just write like a normal human being.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice: Donte Stallworth Update

Donte Stallworth, who you may remember from previous "A Sad Lessons," received only 30 days in jail for KILLING A MAN WHILE DRUNK DRIVING and today had a meeting with the NFL commissioner where he read the following statement:

"I recognize that there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held. It is clear that I exercised poor judgment and caused irreparable harm to Mario Reyes, his family, the NFL, its owners, coaches, employees and to my fellow players."

Now there are two separate parts to discuss here:

1. What tipped Stallworth off that the harm he caused to Mario Reyes was irreparable? Is it that Reyes is dead? Was that it? (It's a shame mad scientists aren't a little closer to solving that.)


2. I'm sorry... Stallworth recognizes that "there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held." WHAT? You see the two systems and you understand and think it is logical that the criminal justice system may let you off but the NFL justice system simply holds these things to higher standards? In what universe do courts let you pay off a fine for killing someone but a sport draws the line?

This universe I guess.

By the way, Donte Stallworth is still on the Cleveland Browns, Michael Vick has not been touched by any team.

This all makes sense.

"I Liked it Better the First Time I Saw it, When it was Called..."

Paul Giamatti was on The Daily Show last night to promote his new movie Cold Souls. Here is the trailer:


To sum: Paul Giamatti stars as himself - the actor Paul Giamatti, and other people can access his soul.

Without seeing the movie, here are my favorite quotes:

• "It's my soul, Schwartz! It's my SOUL!"
• Lounge Singer: "Giamatti, Giamatti... Giamatti, Giamatti"
• "There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside Paul Giamatti. You see the world through Paul Giamatti's soul... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike."
• "I think it's kinda sexy that Paul Giamatti has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Giamatti's... feminine side. I like that."

What Did We Give the North Koreans?

As I am sure you have heard by now, President Clinton traveled to North Korea yesterday to accept upon release two US journalists being held as prisoners:

"Thirty hours ago, Euna Lee and I were prisoners in North Korea," Ms. Ling said in brief remarks to reporters, blinking back tears. "We feared that at any moment we could be prisoners in a hard labor camp. Then suddenly we were told that we were going to a meeting. We were taken to a location and when we walked through the doors, we saw standing before us President Bill Clinton."

Incredible. Breathtaking.

But some people only want to know... What did we give the North Koreans in return? Was it nuclear secrets? Money? Legitimacy? Did we agree to turn a blond eye to illegalities?

Nope. But I have found out.

Without further ado, here is the list of things we gave North Korea in return for Ms. Lee and Ms. Ling:

• Mississippi
• Lindsay Lohan
• Dane Cook
• Maxim magazine
• Stuff White People Like blog
• Rob Riggle
• the word "FAIL"
• Rick Reilly
• Emoticons

and

• Paula Abdul

There's a reason she isn't coming back to American Idol.

Kim... I think your nuclear program is really good... I like it... You have a definite persona to you... your glasses are really cool and I love what you have going on with your suit... I think I'd work on your pitch when you sing... but you definitely have a future as a dictator...

How Many Poles Does it take to Turn a Subway into a Strip Club?

(Hat Tip Fraterus Bloggus Amir for 98% of this.)

One! One that girls can dance on while you eat meat:

He opened "Cousin Vinny's Way," which, according to his flyer, promised $5 foot-long subs, a free fountain drink and "six hours of nonstop, hard-core, live action from some of the most beautiful young ladies who have ever chosen to take their clothes off in public."

And Conan did a "Jared" joke in response in his monologue. (Why did I put quotes around that like it's some sort of variant of joke, like there are knock knock jokes and Jared jokes?) But Fraterus Bloggus Amir and I think we can do better.

Which means it's time for another... Great Punch Line Off 2009! Me vs. Me vs. You. See you in the comments.

• It's great. You can get a $5 foot long to go with your 5$ foot long.
• It's $5 for a Subway but $50 for a "Rubway."
• They also changed their cup sized from small, medium, and large to B, C, and D.
• A lot has changed in the store, but he's keeping the slogan.
• One piece of advice - Careful when you order the meatballs.
  
• No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the freezer room.

This is a Blog Post Title

SNY's Mets broadcast tonight spells it out for us:

Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was a blue bar.

A Word to Terrorists

In the recently released Bruno, which I have not yet viewed, there is a scene where Sacha Baron Cohen interviews a member of the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade (Their Tag Line: You know we're good; It says "martyrs" right in our name!), a terrorist group. During the interview, Cohen tells the terrorist “Your king Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizard or homeless Santa.” I'd add "hirsuit light pole" just to rub in the fact that he's living in a cave, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, in the most unshocking (we need a word for that... and not just "predictable") development since David Ortiz was caught for steroid use, Tablet Magazine reports that terrorist groups aren't great at poking fun at themselves (although I shouldn't generalize - maybe al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade isn't great at poking fun at themselves, but al Qaeda is a riot):

The Brigades announced in a statement that they were “very upset,” and that, er, “We reserve the right to respond in the way we find suitable against this man.”

Once again... they reserve the right to respond to (read: blow up) Sacha Baron Cohen.

A word to all the terrorists who read this blog, please. Listen, guys, you're the terrorists. You don't need to reserve rights. Firstly, if you needed rights, you'd just take them. Via terrorism. It's what you do. Terrorists don't need to make reservations. If a terrorist wants a table at a restaurant, he doesn't call and ask for a booth in the non-woman section, he just shows up and takes the table of his choosing. You don't like it? He blows you up. This is the whole advantage to terrorism! You just take stuff! You don't need to reserve it.

But even moreso... Just because you reserve the right, doesn't mean you have it. If I reserve the right to sleep with your wife, I still don't get to have sex with her. Why? Because that's not an actual right! I don't have the ability to claim "prima nocta" (not anymore, at least. Damn you Reformation!) Likewise, terrorists, and I hope you are still reading, there is no "right" to murdering someone for making a joke at your expense. That isn't a thing. You can't claim that "right."

Has this been the problem all along? Have terrorists just been going around America, Iraq, Israel, and Afghanistan calling dibs, planting the flag for their little terrorist groups, reserving the right to "respond in the way (they) find suitable?"

Maybe this is all one big miscommunication. Here we were thinking that we were the ones who wanted rights and freedom, and the terrorists were using violence to coerce us into being subservient to them. Meanwhile, they were just exercising the right (which they reserved, mind you) to blow us up when we upset them. So let me clear it up: There is no right to "respond in the way (you) find suitable." Okay? You're not allowed to be doing this whole terrorism thing.

Glad I took care of that. We just needed to clarify it a little. Good talk.

And that should end terrorism.

Maybe It Wasn't Just About Reading the Riders

Scientists have found that the blue dye found in M&Ms has been linked to reducing spine injuries.

There's a reason you don't see members of Van Halen with scoliosis. Or M&Ms with herniated disks.

It Would Also Be a New Job Description for the Team Doctor

(hattip, Amicus Bloggus Dan)

Though, I already wrote about this in the Huffington Post, there was one part of the Washington Post's article explaining why the Mystics don't employ a kiss cam (because same-sex kissing is controversial) that deserved its own highlight:

"We wouldn't broadcast on our Jumbotron about abortion issues because of the religious and political conflicts it would cause," said Lindsey Harding, the team's point guard. "It's a similar, sensitive subject. We don't want to put anything out there to turn down certain fans."

So because they don't want to offend "certain fans" (certain wimpy fans, if I may say so), the rest of us lose out on an in-stadium abortion cam?

We need to be entertained during timeouts!

Think of all the other things that we can't scan the crowd for and show on the jumbotron just because of politically correct concerns:

• Illegal Immigrant Cam - The Pepsi Party Patrol shoots 1 green card into the stands. Anyone who is here illegally and doesn't catch the green card is deported by Lou Dobbs.
• Stem Cell Research Cam - We watch as stem cells take on the characteristics of the cells in the seats around them. The crowd texts in their vote guessing which type of cell it will become.
• Tax Cam - As The Beatles' "Tax Man" plays, some of the best seated one percent of the crowd give up their seats to help the poorest seated 75% of the crowd.
• Global Warming Cam- The crowd cheers as the Heat-o-meter rises in the stadium. The zanier the crowd the higher on the scale it can go from "Ice Age" to "Global Meltdown"

If we can only have Cams that we all agree on, we're going to lose out on a lot. I hate that smile cam, for example. What are all those people hiding?

Hate Jews? We've Got an App for That

Tablet Magazine brings word of a new iPhone app for Jews looking for a shul (emphasis mine):

We received word of a new iPhone application that seems absolutely essential for a Jew-on-the-go: it uses your location, which the iPhone captures via GPS, to tell you where the closest synagogues are to you, “from a database of almost 5,000 shuls.” The program, which is produced by Lost Tribe Apps, also lists the synagogues by denomination and size, and even contains many rabbis’ names and contact information.

Um... Isn't this potentially a tragically horrific application in the wrong hands? If you were a militant skinhead/ white supremacist, wouldn't you be downloading this app?

It would go right next to the "Hitlerize Me" icon.

Really, Michael Vick? REALLY?

I've spent some time on the blog, questioning the legal system re: Michael Vick, but this befuddles me:

Former NFL QB Mike Vick had been in prison for 19 months before being released into federal custody in May. Monday, he was released from federal custody. What was the first thing Vick did? The former Falcons QB went to Atlantis strip club in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

And that story doesn't even mention who the strippers were:



She's just trying to pay her way through obedience school.

It's Time for the Prison System to Shape Up

I have watched television in my life so I know that, when arrested, I have the right to make one phone call.

But - let's be honest- who calls people anymore? That's so 2000-and-late.

It's time for the prison system to shape up. If I get arrested, I want to be able to make my one email, one text message, or one tweet.

Let's take as an example:
What would be better for the Syrian Rabbis arrested this morning - one measly phone call or a tweet... to god? ("@God Why have you forsaken me? #moneylaundering")

What Happen in Humor Slay Me, Stays in Vegas

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Av)

It's good to have the Rio on board as a HumorSlaysMe reader:

Though, if we try to understand this ad fully... the package is -well- a package, i.e. male genitalia, and it is the package that is being stimulated, so males are getting aroused. As Chippendale's is a club for women... you know what, let's not over think this one.

And because I considered the possibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer a heavier, heavier man that they could identify with... enjoy.

The Kids Are All Wrong

(hattip Amicus Blogus Josh)

Time Magazine has a list of "Nine Kids food to Avoid." On the list at Number 8 - Sunny D!

Wow, Sunny D is really bad for you, says Time:

Sunny D may contain a full day's supply of vitamin C, as its bottle says, but the tangy orange drink is drowning in sugar — 27 g per glass.

Someone should have told these kids:

After all this time, they should have chose purple stuff.

Now That's Some Nutty Advertising

On the subway this morning, I saw the most incredible advertisement of my entire life. This is the eye-catching picture on the top of the poster:

Angst, conflict, trouble, pain. Here is a man in a suit, a business man, a respectable man, and he is crying out for help. He is poised, cell phone open. If only he had the courage and the wherewithal to make some monumental decision. But he is stuck. He is torn. He can not decide. What could possible sway his mind? Is there some way in which he could muster the courage to act?

"There Is!" claims the ad:


Peanuts.

Oh.

Wait. WHAT? PEANUTS? PEANUTS?

I've seen some absurd advertisements in my life, but I think "if you eat peanuts, you will have the energy (isn't it more 'gumption' than 'energy' anyway? Do peanuts give you nerve?) to call a girl" is just about the most asinine thing I have ever seen.

It's a simple message - Eat peanuts and be happy or don't eat peanuts and die alone. Sucks to have a nut allergy.

The worst part is that I can just see the sad ad exec, hopped up on a marathon viewing of Mad Men, coming into the office and putting forward his best Don Draper - placing a finished scotch glass on a coaster, taking a drag from his cigarette, and definitively explaining "we're not selling peanuts, we're selling love."

Whatever happened to the good ol' days of old fashioned peanut advertising - when instead of peanuts giving you love, they gave you something much more realistic...
Class.

Matt Drudge Gets to the Stimulus Package Joke Only One Month After TMZ

And only 5 months after Humor Slays Me (hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus)

Here's the headline on today's Drudge Report:
Even the NY Post had "Baby Got Barack." Drudge could probably have gotten away with "Obama is a Radical Ass-lam," or an Eifel Tower joke for Sarkozy. Heck, we had a few suggestions yesterday in the blog and comments.

And for those keeping score at home (I know that's what most of you do - sit at home and make up a scoring system for this blog so you can then keep score of it), that's two straight posts where world leaders may or may not be checking out the ass of a young woman.

I hope to get back to Hooters girl videos soon.

It's a G8 Summit Punch Line Off!

This picture happened causing the second HumorSlaysMe punch line-off of 2009. Me vs. Me vs. You. (hattip Daily Intel)

• Good to see them practicing a little backdoor diplomacy.
• Apparently the G in G-8 Summit stands for G string.
• She's a member of the Ass-ociated press.
• Barack Obama bows for Saudi kings but not for that?
• Good to see that some of Bill Clinton's policies weren't uprooted over the last 8 years.
• MidEast peace is still on the agenda, but first they're gonna get themselves a piece of that ass.
• Berlusconi later asked her "What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?"

Ultimately, it's good to know that our leaders pracitce diplomacy the same way Astronaut Jones does:


I'll see you in the comments.

Quitters Never Prosper?

I have mostly stayed away from Sarah Palin's resignation (aside from comparing her to a horror movie villain, but what was I supposed to do? Not compare her to a horror movie villain? No. I didn't think so), but Andrew Sullivan links to a thought, that I must in full candor admit- I had not thought of on my own. In all honesty, I probably would not have:

In 1754, Lt. Col. George Washington quit the Virginia militia, an obscure fact that now seems a bit more interesting in the wake of Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation in Alaska.

That does seem more interesting.

This whole George Washington/ Sarah Palin thing is even more eerie when you consider all the similarities:

• Neither were members of the liberal elite or mainstream media
• They were both pretty mavericky (King George thought George Washington went rogue)
• Both had Tea Parties go on under their watch
• Both had nice hair
• Both had children named Trig
• Neither ever told a lie

In fact, the fact that both George Washington and Sarah Palin both quit has made me rethink a lot about quitting, too. I mean, isn't it good to quit smoking or drinking or drugs? Yes, it is. What if Michael Jordan had never quit baseball? That would have been bad. Jack Twist wishes he knew how to quit (you.) So, think about that.

Of course, it is slightly more complicated that that. Palin herself said:

"I am not a quitter. I am a fighter."

So if Washington was a quitter, how can we possibly compare non-quitter Sarah Palin to him?

Although when you think about it, General George Washington was also a fighter, so don't worry- George Washington and Sarah Palin are still pretty much the same person.

Why You Should Churn By Waterfall

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus)

A sad story out of my home state:

An employee at a New Jersey chocolate processing plant died Wednesday after falling into a vat of hot chocolate, according to a spokesman for the Camden County Prosecutor's office.

I was told specifically not to be alarmed, that he wouldn't be harmed. Sure he might be altered a bit, maybe turn into a luscious bit of fudge.... but not this. Goddamn Oompa Loompas.

They'll probably get away with it too. It's so hard to pick one out of a lineup.

"Pleasant Hooters!"

Sometimes, other people do the joke for you. Take this clip of a morning show segment starring a Hooters girl from WGN Morning News. They deliver their own punchline.

:01 - :28 = This is the part of the video where the waitress demonstrates how she helps her customers visualize her having sex. Amazingly, this is the setup for the joke.
:29 = This is the punchline. Delivered for me. Enjoy.

The Structure of Porn is Collapsing on Samson

A front page article on the cover of today's New York Times highlights the ways in which technology is affecting the production of porn movies. Apparently, the little dialogue that was actually spoken in those movies is being increasingly replaced with - sex. And one starlet, Savanna Samson (whose sexual strength- I'd like to believe- comes from her pubic hair), is none too happy about it:

Savanna Samson once relished preparing for a role. “I couldn’t wait to get my next script... I used to have dialogue.”

Then comes the money quote:

“Getting it on in one hardcore scene after another just isn’t as much fun."

Which makes me think that Savanna Samson may just be in the wrong profession.

Best of all is the photo the New York Times includes with the story:
Can't you just sense the existential angst this poor woman is going through? She used to be a porn actress and now, now - it's like people only care about how well she can have sex on camera. It's tragic, really.

Addendum- One Amicus Bloggus, "Ryan," is severely affected by this development and it needs to be mentioned here.

Ryan likes watching porn, but he only likes the dialogue and the setup. He, like Savanna Samson- I guess, doesn't like the porn part of porn. Why would someone bother watching porn only for the setup, you ask. Simple. Here is Ryan's logic:

I could never realistically end up in any of the porn situations in porn, but the setup to the sex, the dialogue- that's something that could happen to me.

Ryan's lack of both confidence and voyeurism aside, the porn industry's move away from dialogue and toward more sex is leaving Ryan, and all the other sex-situations-without-sex pervs, out in the cold.

Sarah Palin and Queen Esther- Both Beauty Contest Winners

Though I think the talent that Queen Esther had to perform was a different sort of flute playing than Sarah Palin's.

On The Plank, Jonathan Chait asks an interesting question today:

One of the most alarming things about Katherine Harris--remember her?--was her persistent fantasy that she was a modern-day Queen Esther, dramatically proclaiming, "If I perish, I perish." Now Sarah Palin is saying, "If I die, I die." Is she also indulging the Queen Esther fantasy?

Now, we'll leave aside that Chait missed the more obvious fantasy she is indulging, and just say that if she is indulging her Queen Esther fantasy... well, Orphan said it best:

I'd Watch ViewMaster... of the Universe. Maybe.

Dreamworks is making a movie based off of the old ViewMaster toys. Seriously.

You may remember ViewMasters as well as I do, but for our younger readers, let me explain what ViewMaster was. I hope our older readers will enjoy the memory lane stroll.

ViewMaster was a crude plastic toy that you could look into and into which you put a white wheel with slides (slides are hard copies of pictures that you can project onto the wall.) Then you turned the wheel with a plastic switch and viewed the images one after the other. Often, these images in succession, would tell a story. Other times, they would not. they'd just be a bunch of related pictures.

These ViewMasters had many limitations, such as:

1. A very limited amount of pictures (I think it was 12) were available for viewing.
2. It was just a bunch of pictures. It had no sounds or music or moving images or anything that helps tell stories.
   
3. You could accidentally load the slide at the wrong place, thereby ruining any surprises in the story. (One saving grace, you only had 12 pictures, so the stories weren't interesting enough to be "ruined.")
4. If you put it in facing the wrong way, the pictures appeared backwards. This was confusing.
5. If the wheel got bent, you couldn't put it in the ViewMaster. And you couldn't really just View these pictures, sans Master.
6. You looked like a doofus while using them. (Think RecSpecs + What people thought virtual reality glasses would look like)

So why did we use them? One reason only. And I think this reason is the most perplexing thing about this movie... We used them because - they were the best we had. It was ViewMasters or books. Those were the story telling toys we were privy to. It was the best we had if we weren't watching TV.

But you know what's better than ViewMasters? Everything in the world that exists now. Ipods fix all the problems we once had with ViewMasters. (Yeah, I'm going to leave the idea of Ipods as a modern ViewMaster out there.) Digital cameras do more than ViewMasters!

So they are making a movie about a crude device that was replaced by portable movie players. I wonder if it will be played only on AM radio.

Palin's Speeches Remain Unclear, But Her References Are Awfully Specific

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for the catch)

The quote from this morning's NY Post:
Apparently, she can see Ivan Drago from her house.

Couldn't you just see Palin explaining herself at her next news conference by saying "I fight to win! I fight for me! For Me!"

And, of course, the requisite Ivan Drago tribute:


T minus 6 hours till someone has the Drago/Palin mashup online. I think that's how this whole saga ends. I think Sarah Palin goes the Drago route and helps to end the Cold War.

What's the Internet Like, Ron?

(hattip Amicus Bloggus AB for showing me the site)

There's a cute site called What Does The Internet Think that claims to give you a big picture outlook as to what the internet thinks on a topic of your choosing. Is it a good representation of the internet? Two simple searches have confirmed for me that it 100% understands not only how the internet thinks, but how the internet approaches the world. (You can click on the pictures below to see a larger view)

Search #1 - Hitler


Search #2 - LOL Cats

98.8% of the internet doesn't care about Hitler. That seems correct. Unless an AwkwardHitlers.com starts up, it's probably destined to stay that way.

On the other hand, 100% of the internet has an opinion on LOL cats. In other words, there is no one who uses the internet and is neutral about LOL cats. The vast majority of it is positive, of course. This is because of how funny LOL Cats truly are.

I think this site has explained the internet better than I ever could.