Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The White House Puts Their Pants on One Leg at a Time

From the White House twitter feed:
America has a fever and the only cure is more cowbell!

We could have had medication but since we won't get health care reform, it's pretty much just cowbell.

Monday, August 24, 2009

10 Mets Predictions for the Rest of 2009

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor, leaving only Frankie Rodriguez as the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Kevin Tor and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Tor's Take for Kevin's.

10) "On a Razor's Edge" - Angel Pagan is thrown out at home plate when Razor Shines delays the signal to send him. He later blames a slow internet connection for not receiving the go ahead from "Razor Shines - Aquafina 3rd Base Coach of Life."

9) "Generation L" - The post-game DynaMets Dash leaves 13 children with torn ACL's. Jerry Manuel says they weren't mentally tough enough.

8) "Toxic As-Mets" - The Wilpons invest their ownership stake in the New York Mets with Charles Ponzi.

7) "Sh*tty Field" - Citi Field is forced to relinquish its name in bankruptcy. George Steinbrenner buys the naming rights and calls it "Not Yankee Stadium"

6) "Doesn't Ring a Bell" - On a foul ball, Cowbell Man breaks his tolling hand. The Mets rush him back three days later. He will now be out through 2011.

5) "Mets Make a Deal!" - The Mets release Oliver Perez, reacquire Scott Kazmir, then trade Kazmir to the Free Agents for Perez.

4) "Tony So-pants-o" - The Mets rehire Tony Bernazard who removes his pants before challenging Adam Rubin to a fight.

3) "See No Feeble" - Tickets for seats down the lines become harder to buy as Mets fans start to clamor for seats where at least some of the field is obstructed.

2) "Home Run Poor-ch" - Pepsi, not wanting to have its name associated with the Mets, have sold the rights to the "ShopRite Brand Cola Porch"

1) "A-dam Good Catcher?" - Adam Rubin blogs about Brian Schneider's offensive struggles. Omar Minaya accuses him of lobbying for the Mets starting catcher position.

And don't forget to check out Kevin's Top Ten at Tor's Take.

(thanks to Amicuses Bloggus BiMus, Amir, and EB for the help.)

Their Trio's Down to Two

"Blame it on the Voices" has a picture of the cutest thing you'll see on the internet today, under the headline "Real Life Timon and Pumba:"

Although it makes you question all that "And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind" talk... Kinda makes you wonder if Hakuna Matata even means no worries for the rest of your days.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Maybe the Green Party is Running on a Pro Crack Platform?

Seriously, what's going on?

Last week, I linked to what I thought was the outrageous sexualization of politics in Germany - billboards that show Angela Merkel and Vera Lengsfeld showing plenty of cleavage with the slogan: "We have more to offer" emblazoned over the chancellor's breasts:I thought that was absurd, but I had no idea. This morning, the great Sociological Images blog brings us an even crazier political ad:

The text reads: “The only reason to choose Black. Time for Green.”
Because black people are only good for squeezable asses?

We should also notice that the squeezing is being done by nail polished fingers- seemingly, female. So they get to check off sexism as well as racism. They have a huge lead in bigotry Bingo, right now.

I guess we should just be glad that this trend hasn't hit the U.S. yet, or in the last election cycle, the Democratic Party may have brought out an even uglier side of Dick Cheney.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 5

By now, you either know the story of Plaxico Burress or won't care about this blog post. The quick reminder: Last year, Burress illegaly carried a handgun into a New York City club and shot himself in the thigh, because, hilariously, he was carrying it in his sweatpants waistband.

Well, today he pleaded guilty and got... 2 years in prison:
Burress pleaded guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, a lesser charge than he initially faced. Under a plea agreement, he agreed to a two-year prison sentence and two years of supervised release.
So Plaxico Burress, for accidentally shooting himself gets two years in jail.

So here is our updated system of how bad different crimes are, to the best of my ability to think logically, based on our criminal justice system:
  1. WORST > Stealing Lance Armstrong's Bicycle (3 years in jail)
  2. VERY BAD > Accidentally Shooting Yourself (2 years)
  3. SOMEWHAT BAD > Organizing Dogs To Kill Each Other for Sport (18 months PLUS 6 football games)
  4. EH, NO BIG DEAL > Killing Someone While Driving Drunk (30 days)
Oh, and if you want to provide Health Care for people, you are guilty of genocide. Though on this scale, I am not sure you'd get much of a punishment for genocide. Assuming, of course, that you didn't also steal people's bicycles while wiping out their ethnic group.

This all continues to make sense.

As Ben Brafman said (and man, it's hard to agree with that guy... but- you know- even broken shlocks are right twice a day):
"This was not an intentional criminal act... In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment... If Plaxico Burress were not a high-profile individual, there never would be a case."
America. Sigh.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Rush Limbaugh: "Barney Frank's Epidermis is Showing"

Two videos have been circulating today.

The first is a video of Barney Frank reacting to a woman asking him why he supports Barack Obama's Nazi health care policies:

Frank's key quote:
"On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

The second is Rush Limbaugh's reaction to that video:

Limbaugh's key quote:
"Isn’t it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends most of his time living around Uranus?"

Then Rush Limbaugh grabbed Barney Frank's arm and slapped Frank with his own hand, asking repeatedly"why are you hitting yourself?" Limbaugh then gave himself the circle circle dot dot, circle circle square square combination, packed up his radio equipment and headed home, where his mom had Oxycontin waiting for him - cut into triangles, just the way he likes it.

Budget Travel's Got Some Wild Ideas

The September issue of Budget Travel Magazine got to the office today and I think it might be making some everything bagel-like commitments:

(Because you clearly can't read it, the words near the ladies face are "This could be you!")

I appreciate the confidence, Budget Travel. But I am pretty sure it can't be. Not on a budget, at least. That sort of surgery is expensive.

The bottom left of the cover reads "The World on Sale: 15 places to enjoy the best of shoulder season." I don't have a joke. I just have questions.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Hey! Hey! Hey! What's Going On Here?

(Hattip amicus bloggus Adam)

Big news from the music world:
Dennis Haskins, A.K.A. "Mr. Belding" from the popular television series "Saved By The Bell," is set to release a one-of-a-kind, first ever celebrity CD/DVD karaoke package on September 1, 2009 titled "Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. 'Mr. Belding.'"
I don't like to miss anything that's both one-of-a-kind and first ever! Especially with amazingly unwordy titles such as:

Incredibly, Dennis Haskins' website confirms that this is for real, though I have no idea why he's making an "I just farted into a champagne glass... because I'm classy, that's why" look. Also, are those bunions growing from his chin? Did he forget to brush off the crumbs from the Entenmann's donut he just finished?

But most unclear is the song list. Why stretch for obscurity like Piano Man and Georgia when there are classics right at your fingertips? How much more likely would you be to buy this with the following track list:
1) "Break a Sweat" (Hot Sundae)
Saved by the Bell Workout

2) Friends Forever

3) "I'm so excited"

After that one, I never attempted to study for a math test after joining a girl band again.

4) [UPDATE 4:29 PM - thanks to Adam] "Cool School" (Regardless of what the thermostat says)

And the greatest closing song in the history of karaoke CDs
5) "Farewell to Bayside"

The least he could do is attempt "The Sprain" on the dvd. Come on Mr. Belding. Be as cool as Rod. For once.

Monday, August 17, 2009

ESPN Isn't Buying Patrick Kane's B.S.

Blackhawks star Patrick Kane allegedly assaulted a cabbie who would not give him 20 cents change. He spent time in jail, and now the grand jury is hearing his case.

Well, this morning, he issued the following apology:
"Because I put myself in being in the wrong position in the wrong time, I've caused a lot of pain for my family and my hometown of Buffalo, the city of Chicago, the Chicago Blackhawks and obviously the great fans we have here in Chicago," Kane said. "And for that part I sincerely apologize."
We've seen a lot of non-apology apologies in the sports world (Omar Minaya's recent pretend apology to Adam Rubin comes to mind) but this one seems exceedingly egregious. Kane doesn't mention what actually happened, and apologizes for being in the wrong position. Kane didn't give up a goal. This is about more than positioning. This is obviously BS.

But the amazing part is that ESPN's news story calls him out on it. The paragraph right after his quote explains (emphasis mine):
Kane's statement, given before the start of the U.S. Olympic men's hockey orientation camp, lasted less than a minute and added no new details of what transpired in Buffalo, given the ongoing legal proceedings.
Even better than that... here is ESPN's lede to that story. I am not editing it in any way:
Patrick Kane said he was "sincerely" sorry for his actions that led to his recent arrest following an altercation with a cab driver in Buffalo, N.Y.
That's amazing. In their reporting of the facts, ESPN called Patrick Kane's apology "sincere" in quotes.

There are so many examples of media trying to present facts as equal even when one side is clearly right (think about how much airtime the "birthers" got recently), it's refreshing to see a news piece call out bullshit where it so obviously exists.

Patrick Kane - As a fan, ESPN "accepts" your apology.

Friday, August 14, 2009

"What? That happens. Actually, a LOT of Porn Movies Start that Way"

A man was caught masturbating on the number 3 train. (Otherwise known as "the train I ride every day.") Worse for him- he was caught on cell phone camera:
I included his picture just to prove it wasn't me

It's tough when they've got you on camera, but still... people videoed/ pictured have gotten off before (sure, pun intended.) How is he going to get out of this one? The Shaggy Defense? The Little Man Defense? What's he going to go with (emphasis mine)?
"That's me in the pictures, my private parts fell out," Bishop told cops, according to court documents. "I looked down and it was out, it just popped out. I was trying to put it back... I deeply apologize for what happened," Bishop told police, according to the court documents. "I do admit the whole truth."
Well, this is ridiculous! I simply don't understand why the world hasn't started designing pants that completely cover penises. We have scientists working on cancer and watermelon and pheromones, but not one engineer has yet to create a pair of pants that could guarantee that your penis won't fall out and your hand won't accidentally rub it in a way that could be misconstrued as masturbation? It's unconscionable that men everywhere walk around experiencing exactly the same thing that happened to this guy - out of nowhere, our penises will just fall out of our pants.

Weak, science. Weak.