A Sad Lesson in American Justice 3

Courtesy of Aurea Medicoritas (who should probably be an Amicus Bloggus just based on the site's Latin-origin name:
The TI-80 calculators probably have a way to convert this into both Bernie Madoff years and Donte Stallworth years.

Maybe You Can Make the Transition from Porn to Mainstream

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Ami)

Much is often made about starlets' desires to start in porn but transition into the mainstream. The much that is made usually consists of how impossible it is to do that and how foolish it is to think you can do it.

But there is hope for all the porn stars perusing this blog, for you see - someone actually did make the transition. Who?

Transformers purveyor, Michael Bay. Take a look at his directorial career:

His first job was directing a Playboy centerfold video! That explains so much about how he shoots Megan Fox in the "Transformers" movies.

I guess I mostly wonder - how did he get to direct "Bad Boys" in the first place?

I'd like to think he saw the name "Bad Boys" and figured this was one more porn project right up his alley. Then he again made a similar semantic mistake with "The Rock." If the world worked like my head wanted it to, that's what would have happened.

Ultimately, this all just makes me want to watch Transporners. More than meets the eye, indeed.

Now Michael Jackson's Doctor is Missing?

So reports TMZ, whose coverage of this whole story has been stellar (emphasis mine):

We've learned law enforcement is looking for a doctor who lived at Michael Jackson's home -- and the doctor is nowhere to be found. Law enforcement sources tell us a BMW belonging to the doctor was towed from Jackson's home last night. Cops are looking to interview the doc. A law enforcement source says the doctor gave Jackson an injection before he died. Jackson reportedly may have OD'd on Demerol.

Why isn't the Doctor's family saying he is hiking on the Appalachian Trail?

My RSS Feed Predicts What Will Happen to Farrah Fawcett Legacy Coverage

Now that Michael Jackson has died.

R.I.P. to both of them, but the second headline is probably true. Now that Michael Jackson has died, only friends and loved ones will be talking about Farrah Fawcett.

Some Suns Fan at ESPN is Really Upset About Shaq

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Better EB)

ESPN.com has this chart in their article about Shaq's trade to the Cleveland Cavaliers:
The season may not have gone perfectly, but if a 46-36 record is "an abomination," I'm glad ESPN.com charts aren't describing the New York Knicks.

TMZ is Ahead of Dick Polman by Two Weeks

(hattip to Amicus Bloggus, Kraut)

Dick Polman, political pundit, took the Mark Sanford opportunity to come up with a joke that was timely 4 months ago. In those 4 months, he seems not to have constructed the line beyond its most basic formulation. This is Polman's closing line on Governor Sanford:

Turned out he was working on his own stimulus package.

At least he could have played off Sanford's attempted refusal of the bailout money. Something like "I guess we now know why Sanford was refusing the stimulus package... he had his own on the side."

Lastly, and this is key, when your name is indistinguishable from a made up porn name - you really want to be wary about making penis jokes. Okay, Dick Polman?

The Truth is He Did Leave U.S.

By now, you have undoubtedly heard about the weird travails of Governor Mark Sanford. There is one weird peculiarity that is piquing (thanks S.) my interest (emphasis mine):

He told reporters he spent "the last five days of my life crying in Argentina" and the affair is now over. Sanford, a rumored 2012 presidential candidate, refused to say whether he'll leave office.

Uh, is it just me or is this reminding anyone else of "Dick Tracy?"

Spearfish, South Dakota Has Lost Their Marbles

(maximum hattip to amicus bloggus, BiMus)

The town of Spearfish, South Dakota has selected a city councilman by picking a marble out of a bag.

Seriously.

The race for city council between David Baker and Shawn Dardis ended in a 126-126 tie, so they did the only logical thing - they picked a marbles out of a bag. Incredibly, picking a marble out of a bag was not simply the only logical thing to do, but it was the only legal thing to do as well (emphasis mine):

Spearfish did not have an ordinance that stated what to do in the event of a tied election; nothing on the books called for a runoff. So, officials looked to state law, which says candidates must play a game of chance to determine a winner.

Again, picking a marble was demanded by South Dakotan law. This can not be stated enough. Okay, so you are forced to pick a marble, just pick one. Right? Not in Spearfish. They are nowhere near that arbitrary (emphasis mine. again):

Baker and Dardis each rolled a die before a group of supporters at a special city council meeting Tuesday night. The winner of the highest roll would then decide whether they would pick first from a purple Crown Royal bag containing two marbles -- one black, one white. The candidate with the white marble would clinch the seat.

Just to restate for clarity - Two people running for public office in Spearfish, South Dakota rolled a die to choose a marble to see who would win an election.

Unstated in the article was the game of "rock, paper, scissors" they played to choose odds or evens to see who got to call heads or tails to see who got to roll the die first. HumorSlaysMe has received an exclusive image of the election process:

Asked for comment, Rube Goldberg said the election went as smoothly and simply as possible.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 2

The Big Lead and I are on the same page about the American legal system:

One of the two clowns who stole Lance Armstrong’s bike is getting three years in prison for second-degree burglary and grand theft. This is the moment where you refer to Donte Stallworth getting 30 days in the slammer.

To review:

• Be a famous person and kill someone while driving drunk > 30 days in jail.
• Be a regular person and steal a bicycle from a famous person > 3 years in jail.

I guess the bike robbers didn't "accept full responsibility for his actions."

That's fucked up.

Wasn't the Holocaust Enough?

Must we also endure this?

Britney Spears could be set to follow her successful Circus tour with a role in a new film, according to reports. The 27-year-old star is still touring the world with her Circus tour, and it is claimed a script for a film called The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton has been handed to Britney to look at. If she accepts the role, Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp.

(What was the pitch meeting on this one? It's Back to the Future meets The Boy in the Striped Pajamas! Brilliant!)

I will lay off the Holocaust side of this because I tend to think all Hollywood movies about the Holocaust are underhandedly exploitative. Though it is so much worse when you're fusing it with science-fiction for no reason at all. Instead, I will ask one simple question about the premise here:

If you had actually had access to a time machine and could travel to any point in history, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CHOOSE THE HOLOCAUST?

On the Same Page as AMNY. A Good Thing? A Thing.

(serious hattip amicus bloggus Reiss-face)

AM New York, a free newspaper distributed at subway entrances and busy New York streets has joined our Punch Line Off:


Already did the insertion. With plenty of more suggestions - here.

Daniel Murphy Has Been Working On His Hitting

But his use of rhetorical devices still needs sharpening, specifically when formulating an antimetabole .

Here is Daniel Murphy, Mets first baseman, as quoted by the New York Times and in turn by Metsblog. They refer to his words as "chicken and the egg" and "Catch 22" respectively. But his words aren't that at all, and the New York Times somehow misses that. Here is what Murphy had to say:

“You have to have confidence to hit, but to get hits, you have to be confident.”

Murphy's quote is not a catch 22 or chicken and the egg question at all but simply a repitition that looks deep because the clauses are inversted in the sentence's second half. If placed in the same order, here are both parts of Daniel Murphy's sentence:

1. You have to have Confidence to hit.
2. You have to be confident to get hits.

Unquoted, though I am sure mentioned by Murphy, is that you also have to swing confidently to hit the ball. And be a confidant to a hit.

I love the Mets, and I like Daniel Murphy, but this is just another example of a player lacking fundamentals. When the Mets aren't running out balls, they are screwing up antimetabole usage. It's always something with this team.


post script-
What Murphy meant to say say was probably:

“You have to have confidence to hit, but you have to have hits to be confident.”

And that's quite the Catch 22.

Perez Hilton Tweets That He Was Assaulted by Will.I.Am

Seriously.

And thus caused the Great HumorSlaysMe punch line-off of 2009. Me vs. Me vs. You.

I'll see you in the comments.

Perez Hilton was allegedly assaulted by the Black Eyed Peas' Will.I.Am last night...

• And it was bad. Apparently, Will gave him a boom boom pow.
• Perez Hilton says that his face is in such bad shape, people are mistaking him for Fergie.
• He left him some lovely little lumps in the back and in the front.
• I'm upset about this. It's got me questioning, where is the love?
• I guess they don't call them the black eyed peas for nothing.
• If they've said it once, they've said it a thousand times: Don't Phunk with them.

What I Don't Get About the Toll House Cookie Dough Recall and What The Onion Needs to do About it

(hattip amicus bloggus Danny)

Recalls happen a lot. Let's just take the first five recalled products from June 2009 (since it is the current month and all) as an example. Here is the list from the Consumer Product Safety Division:

• SmartSpark Energy Systems Recalls Battery Equalizers Due to Fire Hazard
• Body Boards Recalled by JGR Copa Due to Violation of Lead Paint Standard
• Children’s Necklace and Bracelet Sets Recalled by D&D Distributing-Wholesale Due To Choking Hazard
• Macy’s Recalls Children’s Hooded Sweatshirts Due to Strangulation Hazard
• Campbell Hausfeld Recalls Air Compressors Due to Fire Hazard

In each of these examples, the company that designed the product did something mistaken or negligent to cause the product to be faulty and dangerous. That is why they have to recall the products. The company made a mistake.

Not so with Toll House who is recalling their cookie dough because some people have gotten E. coli poisoning from eating it raw. In other words, Toll House didn't really do anything negligent to make their product dangerous (if you cook it, it's fine to eat), but people are using it incorrectly, by eating it raw.

Well, you argue, they should recall the packages to tell you not to eat it raw then. Right?

The Toll House products do have warnings on their packaging about the dangers of raw dough.

Oh. Well then.

I expect The Onion to run a "God Recalls Human Beings Due to Raw Cookie Dough Eating Malfunction" immediately. It really is the only sane course of action here.

What is Pizza Hut Going to do Now that Pizza is too Expensive and Everyone Wants to Eat Healthy?

(hattip BWE blog)

The answer. From their marketing division. Go the way of Blockbuster "Media":

Oh! You're thinking of Pizza Hut. No, they had a defunct business model and don't exist anymore. We're The Hut. No relation.

Common mistake. Don't worry about it. No apology necessary.

The Secret Service Allows Obama to Carry His Blockberry

Engadget links to this great ad:This is just to show how far this country has come - Obama used to not wear a flag pin. Now he wears one to sell Blockberries.

My hope is that a Republican congressman sees this and twitters "Celebrity Obama has time to sell phones. gvrnmnt run phones = socialism."

With 68 characters to spare.

That's One Crazy Game of Pepsi-Coke

A Bat Mitzvah at the Lockwood-Mathews Mansion Museum in Connecticut was broken up by police Saturday night because guests "tore out ceiling tiles and a light fixture in the 141-year-old, 62-room mansion" and "several boys and girls engaging in oral sex in the bathrooms."

But Sheryl Finnie Baker, the mother of the bat mitzvah girl, said the reports are "blown way out of proportion." She says that the party was not out of control and that there was no inappropriate activity in the bathrooom

"These kids are not the type to do oral sex," Baker said.

Not the type "to do" oral sex? Are they throwing bat mitzvahs for non-human kids again?

I think we should also note that she didn't deny that the kids are the type to tear out ceiling tiles and light fixtures.

You Can't Spell Dictator Without "Dick"

Let he who has not been duped by a guy into carrying on an online affair under the pretense that he was actually a she cast the first stone.

Hold on while I gather some rocks to throw at Antonio Castro, Fidel Castro's son (yup, actual image. I guess Communism hasn't been bad for everyone, Ladies.)

because that's exactly what happened to him:

Luis Dominguez, a 46-year-old Cuban activist from Miami, said that posing as "Claudia Valencia," a 20-something brunette beauty from Cartagena, Colombia, he engaged in an online flirtation with Antonio "Tony" Castro Soto del Valle.

Okay. Castro got taken by an activist. It happens. I guess. But there is one part that really throws me for a loop:

"Claudia" and Castro exchanged e-mails, Internet chats, and at one point even used streaming live Web video to communicate.

Now I can see how you'd be fooled over email or chat, heck, even over the phone. But when Castro started streaming live web video with "Claudia," and "she" looked like - well- a 46 year old Cuban man, that doesn't tip you off?

And what about Luis Dominguez? Where is the activism here? Isn't this just shtick? But shtick where you suspect he sort of liked it also? If we can call posing online as a hot woman "activism," the van owning segment of the population just got a lot more politically savvy.

Apropos of Nothing at All

Feral Children are raised by wolves.

Ferrell children are raised by Wills.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice

Two crimes and two punishments. Both NFL Players. You tell me which punishment more closely fits which crime.

CRIME #1 - Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture
CRIME #2 - Manslaughter while driving under the influence of alcohol

PUNISHMENT A - 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest, eight years probation, pay $10,000 in fines and perform 1,000 hours of community service.
PUNISHMENT B- A maximum of 5 years in prison, a fine of $250,000 and 3 years of supervised release

CRIME #1 was committed by Michael Vick. He received punishment B. His maximum jail time was 1,825 days

CRIME #2 was committed by Donte Stallworth. He received punishment A. His maximum jail time is 30 days.

I am not trying to downplay what Vick did in any way, but how the hell do you get less jail time for KILLING A PERSON WHILE DRIVING DRUNK than you do for killing dogs? It's terrible to kill dogs, of course, but how do we live in a country where killing an animal gets a more severe punishment than killing a person?

And I am afraid that the answer to that question is really going to piss me off. Now I am wondering, what is the punishment for? Take a look at these two quips from each news story (emphasis mine).

Vick's:

... received a harsher sentence than the others in the federal conspiracy case because of "less than truthful" statements about killing pit bulls. Vick said he accepted responsibility for his actions, but U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson said he wasn't so sure. "I'm not convinced you've fully accepted responsibility," Hudson told Vick.

Stallworth's:

Lyons said Stallworth had accepted full responsibility for his actions. "He acted like a man, he reported it immediately to the police through 911, he remained at the scene, he co-operated fully with the Miami Beach Police Department," Lyons said.

What the fuck are we punishing people for? Whether or not they are sorry? Is this kindergarten? Do we take defendants over to the people they harmed and ask them to 'tell them you're sorry?'

• "I know I committed genocide, but I am truly sorry for that."
• "I take full responsibility for the rape and murder. That one's on me."

I am confused about the criminal system. Why are we doling out punishment based on people's contrition in the face of their crimes rather than the actual crimes themselves?

I Figured Out Where the Suns Went Wrong

And the answer came straight to me, vis RSS feed:

It's a good approach - getting "basketball value" in trades. It's so good in fact, that the average fan probably would have thought to do this all along. And that's the difference between fans and General Managers. General Managers are smart enough to figure this stuff out.

So to all the opposing teams who were offering the snacks their mom gave them, their place in line, baseball cards, or letting the Suns "be your best friend" for Shaq, well-they can just forget it. They're taking basketball value only now.

He Will Be Featured Right After the Lakers Win for "Best Basketball Team"

Big News at ESPN:

Former South African president Nelson Mandela will be honored with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the 2009 ESPYS on July 19.

Finally, Nelson Mandela can feel he led a life worth living.

"Yes" Was My Answer

Yesterday, I sat with a friend in a restaurant, in front of each of was this (or so):
It was at that moment that the guy next to me turned to me and quizzically asked:

"Is that a burger?"

Seriously, this happened. My life became a "Snappy answers to stupid questions" Mad magazine feature.

Why would someone ask this question? Some suggestions:

1. He is suffering from meat focused Alzheimer's disease.
2. New York City is much more different from the rest of the country than I realize. Where he is from they're called "Liebermans."
3. He was referring to the fries and I should have said "no."

If you have other possibilities, comments them.

Kennedy's Teacher: "What were you doing with him?" Kennedy: "Sorry, that's classified."

In stuff-I-wish-would-have-happened-to-me news:

John Corpus of Green Bay, stood to ask Obama about health care during the president's town hall-style meeting at Southwest High School on Thursday. He told Obama that his daughter was missing school to attend the event and that he hoped she didn't get in trouble. "Do you need me to write a note?" Obama asked. The crowd laughed.

But Obama, in just about the coolest thing I've ever heard, went for it:


And all I can think about is how many of my teachers still would not have accepted it.

Addendum- My favorite note to teacher story has to be mentioned here.

My brother, Amir, once came late to class complaining of a stomach problem. The teacher would not let him in. "Go get a note" said said teacher. Amir replied logically "my stomach was hurting me, I was in the bathroom, but I would like to come into class now." "Go get a note," the teacher dogmatically demanded." "From who?" bellowed Amir. It was then that he went to the bathroom, ripped off a square of toilet paper, jotted something on it and handed to the teacher -

Amir was with me.

Signed,
Toilet

Just Because You Can Take Offense, Doesn't Mean You Should

David Letterman made a joke last the other night that went like this:



Funny? Maybe. His studio audience thought so. I personally don't find it hilarious. But I don't find it beyond-the-pale-offensive. Who does? Sarah Palin:

"Laughter incited by sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/N.Y. entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands -- that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others."

And Todd Palin:

"Any ‘jokes’ about raping my 14-year-old are despicable. Alaskans know it, and I believe the rest of the world knows it, too."

Ugh. Can I say "Ugh?" I could explain the joke, I could try and decipher the second half of Governor Palin's response, I could point out my favorite part of the Governor's statement ("an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter" - Uh, does Todd know that?), but I won't. I'll just repeat my headline and mention that this connects to yesterday's post about Israel and Obama.

Just Because You Can Take Offense to Something, Doesn't Mean You Should Take Offense to it.

Also I love the actual Fox News article that summarizes the events:

the late-night talk-show host invited the governor to appear on "The Late Show" after stopping short of apologizing for "jokes" he had made about her and her family the night before, including one that referred to her daughter being "knocked up" by New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez.

The news article calls them "jokes" in quotes, implying that they were in no way jokes and that only a liberal media elite "Hollywood/N.Y. entertainer" could spin them to be jokes. Fox News is so offended on Palin's behalf that it can't even refer to something uttered in David Letterman's monologue, the place in his show where he tells jokes, as a joke.

By the way, Letterman responded in the video here, in perfect Letterman style, doing it only the way he can. To sum:

"Am I guilty of poor taste? Yes. Did I suggest that it was okay for her 14-year-old daughter to be having promiscuous sex? No."

My main point: Shame on you David Letterman, for raping Willow Palin.

Well, If Obama is Insulting Israel, You Have to Respect His Subtlety

According to the CBS News World Wide Blog:

Israeli TV newscasters Tuesday night interpreted a photo taken Monday in the Oval Office of President Obama talking on the phone with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as an "insult" to Israel.

What is this scandalous photo in which the president is so obviously slighting Israel? Well, it's this one:


How dare he sit like that while... showing his wrist watch? Wearing a tie? Pretending to give a purple nurple with his right hand? Okay... I have no idea.

Apparently what is driving the Israeli newscasters interpretation is:

They saw the incident as somewhat akin to an incident last year, when the Iraqi reporter threw a shoe at President Bush in Baghdad. It is considered an insult in the Arab world to show the sole of your shoe to someone. It is not a Jewish custom necessarily, but Israel feels enough a part of the Middle East after 60 years to be insulted too.

That another person throwing a shoe at the US president is exactly the same as a US president getting photographed from an angle that displays the bottom of his shoe to the camera lens - while at the same time talking to the Israeli Prime Minister - is obvious. Those are completely equivalent. There is no way to argue those facts. It would be like arguing about gravity, the existence of snakes, or that fedora is a funny word. That's all reality. And it's nonsense to take a contrary position.

What confuses me though is the next part: "It is not a Jewish custom necessarily, but Israel feels enough a part of the Middle East after 60 years to be insulted too." And I am confused in two ways -

1. It's not that it's not a Jewish custom necessarily, it's not a Jewish custom definitively. In any possible way.
2. "Israel feels enough... to be insulted." Is that the barometer for when to be insulted? "Well, it's within the realm of possibility to offer an interpretation of your words that I would find insulting, so... HOW DARE YOU!?" Why would that be the litmus test? I know some Jews don't use razors, but I didn't know that extended to Occam's Razor.

The only thing that comes to mind in regard to shoes and Jewish tradition is the commandment of chalitzah, which is a ceremony in which a widow unties the shoe of her brother-in-law (and spits in front of him) in order to absolve him of his requirement to perform levirate marriages.

Well, if Obama is saying he doesn't want to marry Israel... Sir, I am insulted!

TMZ Goes With My Stimulus Package Joke

On the one hand, it's nice to see it get some use. On the other hand... it's TMZ - who ran this headline:

George H.W. Bush -- Private Stimulus Package

Over this picture:
But the best part of the whole story (Aside from the best attempted performance of "The Tap Combination" by an "A Chorus Line" dancer ever) is the poll at TMZ that runs along the post:
... and the guy who got a blow job in the oval office while talking to a congressman is only up 79% to 21%. Kind of makes you wonder what Clinton needed to actually do to get up to 100%.

David Ortiz Is Going to Check His Eyes

Unless he left his steroids somehow under his eyelids, I don't see how this will help:

"I've been thinking about getting my eyes checked -- for real," Ortiz told The Associated Press. "My vision has always been 20-20, and I'm not feeling anything crazy, but I'm going to get it checked out... We get our eyes checked every year... I'm 20-20. Go and check it out. It's not anything big. I will, though. I seriously will."

It's not that crazy though. I am sure many of you remember the case of Ricky Vaughn, whose eyesight affected his performance:


Vaughn , and the Indians, were much better after he got glasses.

So could it happen for the Red Sox? Sure. But I would recommend following the rest of the prescription from "Major League" just to be sure. So here are the other things that the Red Sox should do:

1. Worship Joe Boo
2. Jason Varitek should threaten Mike Lowell to "cut (his) nuts off and stuff 'em down his fuckin' throat."
3. Varitek should drive the bullpen car to hook up with that librarian he's always loved.
4. Get a life size cut out of a naked Larry Lucchino and rip off one piece of clothing per victory.
   
5. Have a fun to watch winning streak montage that ends with them in a first place tie.
6. Jonathan Paplebon should sleep with Mike Lowell's wife.
   
7. Beat the Yankees on a bunt single that scores a run from second base.
   

I would also hire Neil Flynn to root for the Red Sox but that's optional. The Red Sox should get on the rest immediately.

I Would Hope That A Wise Latina Woman Would Have Learned to Walk

... and other helpful ditties for the Republican Party to use as spin. That's because, in the latest shocking development in the appointment of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, she broke her ankle this morning (!):

The White House says Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has broken her ankle after an airport stumble in New York City. Sotomayor fractured her right ankle Monday morning at New York's LaGuardia Airport before boarding a shuttle to Washington for an afternoon of meetings with senators. She'll keep her six appointments on Capitol Hill Monday despite the injury, which has her walking with crutches, the White House said. The judge has kept up a busy schedule in Washington as the White House presses for her quick confirmation. She even stopped at the White House before heading to the hospital for an x-ray.

So, without further ado, here are the ways Republicans can spin this to their advantage:

• Her court decisions are as clumsy as her walking style.
• She's trying to make us feel empathetic!
• Her fractured ankle represents the way her appointment is fracturing the country.
• Her legal decisions don't have a leg to stand on.
  
• She fracture her right ankle. Like her court decisions, she favors the left.
• Her favoritism of LaGuardia Airport over JFK Airport is reverse racism.
• She is now walking on crutches? Her whole life, she has gotten everywhere she got because of crutches!
• She stopped at the White House before the x-ray? What will happen in future emergencies? Will she check with Obama before deciding?
• Even the hospital didn't have her stay, and we want to give her a lifetime position?
• Here is a woman who won't abort her meeting schedule but is fine with woman aborting their babies. Disgusting.
  
• She takes care of the fracture on a small bone. No word on worrying about the bigger bones. This is out and out favoritism.

Use these lines, Republicans. You can trip up her nomination yet.

hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for the idea and help. leave your suggestions for Republicans in the comments.

And Dick Cheney Should Hire Jack Nicholson as his "You Can't Handle the Truth" Spokesman

With this country's newest bailout of General Motors, we now own the vast majority of the company:

The latest plan for the troubled automaker, which is expected to file for bankruptcy by Monday, calls for the Treasury Department to receive about 70 percent of a restructured G.M.

The Obama administration should have used Oprah Winfrey to announce the policy:

YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car!

Carlos Beltran Understandably Misses Third Game in a Row

New York Mets news, courtesy of Metsblog:

Yet again, Carlos Beltran will not be in tonight’s starting lineup, missing his third-consecutive start due to a stomach bug.

Now, some might think that it's a little wimpy to miss three games with a stomach bug, but those people aren't considering that the bug he has in his stomach is actually the Volkswagen Bug:


Don't judge a Beltran till you've digested a car in his shoes.

Word of the Day: Well Blogumented

Well Blogumented - [wel blog-yuh-ment-ed] adj

To support an assertion or claim by repeating that assertion or claim many times, occasionally with actual evidence or decisive information.
(example= Andrew Sullivan's hatred of Sarah Palin is well blogumented.)

DeAngelo Hall drops 25 Points - in Madden and in Life

(hattip Matt Mosley for the story)

My fascination with professional football players' fascination with Madden is well blogumented. My favorite part is:

"The more I talk to players, the more I realize how important these video game ratings really are. These numbers are talked about in the locker rooms and even on the practice field. When somebody misses a block, guys will joke about how his rating just dropped five points."

But not really, right? I mean these are adults. They won't get bogged down with how a video game scores them. I mean, take Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall, who fell precipitously from last year's game from a 93 to a 68. It probably won't affect him. Right? DeAngelo?

"Ah, I'm feelin' good, man. We just keep trying to get better, but, yeah, I'm trying to blow off some steam with my Madden rating... As the release date gets closer, I'm starting to get a little bit more paranoid, I'm thinking about trying to get my name and likeness pulled off the game entirely. 'Cause this is bull."

To repeat, DeAngelo Hall is thinking of holding out... from Madden. This game gets more real every year.

But the best part...
The Redskins blogger asks the important question- "What about EA making in-season improvements to the ranking?" Good question. DeAngelo?

"They do that as the season goes on, so hopefully if I grab ten or twelve [interceptions], and get my respect back, my dignity back... I'm a little disappointed in the system. Good thing I don't play the game for Madden ratings."

You hear that, Madden? He doesn't play football for Madden ratings. So screw you. On the other hand, he does get his respect and dignity from madden ratings. So screw... him?

It's confusing but we now know 3 things:

1. DeAngelo Hall does not play football for respect or dignity. (following his logic)
   
2. DeAngelo Hall's respect and dignity has dropped from a 93 to a 68.
3. NFL players' fascination with Madden is amazing to behold.

Last Night, The Real Slim Shady Stood Up

... And Left the MTV Movie Awards.

"What happened?" you ask. Well, remember in "The Real Slim Shady,"Eminem opined (emphasis mine):

"But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you can, sit me here next to Britney Spears?

Yup. Britney Spears. That's exactly who MTV wanted you to sit right next to:



Yikes. Christina Aguilera better switch him chairs.

Maybe They Don't Stop You if You're a White Delorean Driving Mad Scientist

Doc Brown and Marty McFly are lucky there aren't more traffic cops in Hill Valley.

I'd guess the area outside the clock tower has a 35 mph speed limit. Tops.