Friday, July 31, 2009

A Word to Terrorists

In the recently released Bruno, which I have not yet viewed, there is a scene where Sacha Baron Cohen interviews a member of the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade (Their Tag Line: You know we're good; It says "martyrs" right in our name!), a terrorist group. During the interview, Cohen tells the terrorist “Your king Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizard or homeless Santa.” I'd add "hirsuit light pole" just to rub in the fact that he's living in a cave, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, in the most unshocking (we need a word for that... and not just "predictable") development since David Ortiz was caught for steroid use, Tablet Magazine reports that terrorist groups aren't great at poking fun at themselves (although I shouldn't generalize - maybe al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade isn't great at poking fun at themselves, but al Qaeda is a riot):
The Brigades announced in a statement that they were “very upset,” and that, er, “We reserve the right to respond in the way we find suitable against this man.”
Once again... they reserve the right to respond to (read: blow up) Sacha Baron Cohen.

A word to all the terrorists who read this blog, please. Listen, guys, you're the terrorists. You don't need to reserve rights. Firstly, if you needed rights, you'd just take them. Via terrorism. It's what you do. Terrorists don't need to make reservations. If a terrorist wants a table at a restaurant, he doesn't call and ask for a booth in the non-woman section, he just shows up and takes the table of his choosing. You don't like it? He blows you up. This is the whole advantage to terrorism! You just take stuff! You don't need to reserve it.

But even moreso... Just because you reserve the right, doesn't mean you have it. If I reserve the right to sleep with your wife, I still don't get to have sex with her. Why? Because that's not an actual right! I don't have the ability to claim "prima nocta" (not anymore, at least. Damn you Reformation!) Likewise, terrorists, and I hope you are still reading, there is no "right" to murdering someone for making a joke at your expense. That isn't a thing. You can't claim that "right."

Has this been the problem all along? Have terrorists just been going around America, Iraq, Israel, and Afghanistan calling dibs, planting the flag for their little terrorist groups, reserving the right to "respond in the way (they) find suitable?"

Maybe this is all one big miscommunication. Here we were thinking that we were the ones who wanted rights and freedom, and the terrorists were using violence to coerce us into being subservient to them. Meanwhile, they were just exercising the right (which they reserved, mind you) to blow us up when we upset them. So let me clear it up: There is no right to "respond in the way (you) find suitable." Okay? You're not allowed to be doing this whole terrorism thing.

Glad I took care of that. We just needed to clarify it a little. Good talk.

And that should end terrorism.

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