Archie, You Callous Bastard

I really shouldn't spend any more words expressing my anger with Archie, but one other thing needs to be mentioned. Take a look at the cover of the comic:


So, yes, I am upset he chose Veronica over Betty, but there is something else also. Look who is there when he gets engaged to Veronica. It's Jughead (best friend, maybe he is there for moral support, maybe he is there to take pictures or video... understandable) and BETTY!

Why is Betty there? They're in a jewelry store (which is ridiculously tacky on its own merits. They just picked out the ring. What's the rush? Did Archie get Veronica pregnant? Is that what this is all about?) so it's possible that she just happened to walk by but... that would be one hell of a coincidence.

Much more likely is that Archie actually invited Betty to witness this moment in his and Veronica's life. Which brings me to my point... Archie, you are a callous bastard. If I'd known all along that this is who you were, I never would have rooted for you and Betty in the first place.

He Should Have Worn the Ribbon

New York Magazine's Daily Intel blog linked to the harrowing tale of a mugged Brooklyn subway rider:

A subway dance troupe turned militant on May 25 when the dancers viciously mugged a 22-year-old straphanger on the J train... One of the perps asked the victim if he would like to “see something mesmerizing.” The victim said yes, so the perp pulled himself into the air on the train’s metal bars and unleashed a powerful kick to the victim’s chest. Two other dancers then joined in the attack and started punching and kicking the victim in the head and body.

The police have released a rough sketch of these street toughs:

The victim was robbed of his wallet, dignity, and an armoir.

CNN Can't Keep Up with All the Lingo the Kids are Using Nowadays

A gloriously confusing lede from CNN:

She was "shaky" because she "breezed through to the finals."

Can't you just picture the CNN headline writer? You know... shaky - as in "steady." Like the kids say it - the way bad means good and sick means healthy?

Sadly, Urban Dictionary (the place you go to find out the was real kidz speak) does not have CNN's back:

Shaky - Not definite, risky, not very skillful
Example - Erika's skills at driving are kinda shaky after she kills mad beers at Nadine's house.

Turns out that "shaky" just means "shaky."

I also think it's cool that Urban Dictionary got a dad from a Hillary Duff movie to write the example for them.

CNN's mistake. Like the kids say, "my bad." No biggie. LOL :-)

Mitt Romney Chucks Some Dick Cheney Facts

Here is Mitt Romney's I-can't-believe-he-actually-okayed-this-without-punching-himself-in-the-face response to yesterday's National Security speeches by Barack Obama and Dick Cheney (emphasis mine):

[Barack Obama] said that the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep at night is keeping America safe. That's a big difference with Vice President Cheney—when it came to protecting Americans, he never went to sleep.

Hmm... Remind you of anyone?

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."

When did Dick Cheney become Chuck Norris and get his own Dick Cheney Facts? I don't know, but I'm in Romney. You had me at "never went to sleep."

• They found the weapons of mass destruction. Turns out they were under Dick Cheney's sleeves.
• People Make fun of Dick Cheney for keeping a giant man size safe in his office, but where else is he going to keep his giant man-size balls.
• Deficits don't matter when Dick Cheney's there. When Cheney's around, nothing is ever lacking.
• The only form of torture Dick Cheney knows is tickle torture. Too bad he's not ticklish.
• When Dick Cheney shoots you in the face, you apologize to him.
  
• America is not a democracy, it's a Dicktatorship.
  

This is great news for him and. like Chuck, it makes him really hard to prosecute.

If I forgot any of your favorite Dick Cheney facts, add them in the comments.

You're Either Pro-Sanctity of Marriage or Anti-Children. Those are the sides of this debate.

"I'm Confused" says the final kid in that ad. Aw. Do you think it's good to confuse helpless children? What kind of a monster are you?

There's only one problem. Do you know what else confuses kids? EVERYTHING. Everything confuses kids. Every day, everything about life confuses kids.

Both of my grandmothers were named Sylvia. As a child, I thought that all grandmas changed their name to Sylvia, and were called "Grandma Sylvia." Why did I think that? Because I had a tiny, developing brain and I got confused very easily because EVERYTHING CONFUSES KIDS.

In fact, This American Life, has an entire segment dedicated to:

children who get a mistaken idea in their heads about how something works or what something means, and then don't figure out until well into adulthood that they were wrong.

The segment included stories about a girl who thought monkeys painted her tissue box, someone who thought unicorns were an actual species of animal, a girl who thought "Deer Xing" signs were pronounced "Deer zing," and a boy who thought all the people included in surveys for TV ratings shared the last name "Nielsen." Why did these people think that? Because EVERYTHING CONFUSES KIDS!

You know what else confuses kids? Tooth Fairies and Santa Claus. Who sells them these lies?

Anyway, to the idiots who put out commercials like this: it's your bigotry about gay marriage that is going to be the mistaken idea that your kids won't figure out was wrong until adulthood. It's one more myth that will eventually be dispelled. You're part of the everything that confuses kids.

Ugh.

You know what the saddest part is? This is actually a step up from Republicans latest arguments against gay marriage.

Oh, Man. The Pepsi Center Really Wanted to See John Cena Take on The Big Show

Here are tonight's top headlines from espn.com. Take a look at highlighted number 7:
"Pepsi Center Stunned as WWE Raw Goes to L.A." As Brother of the Blog Amir asks, who writes like that?

In truth, I would sort of love for the rest of the sports news to be written anthropopathically:

• Quickens Loan Arena Distraught over Cavaliers 1 Point Loss; Blames Itself
• Yankee Stadium Insulted by "Easy to Hit Homeruns" Talk
• Jailhouse Feels Less "Rapey" Without Michael Vick

But why stop with sports news?

• Guantanamo Bay Fearful of Terrorists; Wants America to Imprison Them
• Craigslist Strangely Aroused by Prostitution Ring
• Waterboard Tortured by Weight of Detainees

Nice. Internet Amused by Mocking of ESPN's Headline

Twitter for Twitter's Sake?

I know I've complained about Twitter before, but if you'll indulge me once more, uh... WHAT??? (emphasis is so very much mine):

TweepMe is the easiest way to get new followers on Twitter. When a new member joins, every other member automatically follows the new member, and the new member follows them back. The process is gradual and happens over the course of weeks or months depending on the number of TweepMe members.

Correct me if I am wrong here, but isn't the whole point of Twitter to follow friends or, in the very least, people with common interests? What possible appeal is there to just follow random people who, not only do you not know anything real about, you don't even know what they'll Tweet about?

And on the writing side, isn't the challenge and interesting part of Twitter to be concise/ interesting enough to earn followers? What possible appeal is there to sign up to Twitter and then automatically have strangers following you?

Whatever. I guess I shouldn't complain if someone wants to create a free sub-social network within a social network, right? No. So very wrong of me:

TweepMe membership costs $12.95 for a lifetime account.

If the lottery is a poor tax, TweepMe is a pathetic loner tax.

Thanks to Marginal Revolution for the link, and out of tradition:

What's Worse Than Finding A Poop in Your Salad?

This is me pointing to a tiny stain on my pants. This stain occurred during lunch at Bryant Park. I saw it land, which leaves 2 options for how it got there:

1. A bird pooped on me
2. A drop of my salad dressing fell on me

On the one hand, it looks like bird poop (was white, black on my napkin), which makes me think that... it's bird poop. On the other hand, it's a tiny drop, which makes me think that it's salad dressing.

If it's bird poop, I got shat on today. If it was in my salad, my salad had something in it that looked curiously like, but may very well not have been, bird poop.

This may be the worst kind of catch of all. I have no idea which I would prefer.

You Definitely Wouldn't Want to Get "Poked"

CNN is carrying a warning from the Shin Bet:

Terrorism groups are using Facebook and other social networking sites to recruit Israeli citizens as spies, the Israeli government warned Monday... "The Shin Bet has gotten many reports about cases where terrorist elements are using the Internet to get in touch with Israelis with proposals to enlist in terror activity or to pass classified information in exchange for payment," the statement said.

It was only a matter of time before terrorists got into social marketing. And it translates so well to facebook. I look forward to my news feed:

• Anas Al-Liby invited you to the event "Ain't No Party Like a Jihad Party"
• Ayman al-Zawahiri > Abu Ayyub al-Masri: Happy Birthday!!! Death to America :-)
• Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed took the "What Kind of Terrorist Are You?" Quiz. And the Result was "A Suicide Bomber." You are stealthy, quick and good at getting into places. You are a hero. You look good in baggy clothes. You don't mind dying because you know you'll have 70 virgins waiting for you.
• Osama bin Laden is "livin' in a cave... down by the river!" LOL!
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad likes this
  

Why are they even coming up on my newsfeed? Simple. I hate defriending people.

The Secret of the Postsecret

The first postcard from this week's Postsecret blog post is a potent and touching one:

Now, here is her logic:

1. You get punished for not believing in god
2. She doesn't believe in god
3. She will get punished (in this case, that her husband "won't come home")

You good with that?

I'm not.

This woman is worried that her lack of belief in god deserves to be/ will be punished. Well, who would dole out that punishment? God! If you truly don't believe in god, then you also don't believe he has the ability to punish anyone. Since she thinks that her lack of belief in god will be punished by god.... she must, by definition, believe in god. Therefore her husband can't be punished for any lack of belief.

All in all, I guess by her logic, this is great news for her. Her true secret is that she does believe in god.

Now it's time to resume reading this week's blog post to find out if someone eats their coworker's tuna sandwich.

Where is the Stimulus Package?

The New Republic has a fun slideshow of ads that use the recession to sell their products.

Included on the list are:

Beds



Condoms


and Virgins

And even with all three of those... there is still, no sign of my Stimulus Package idea. Get on it, corporate America.

Kim Hendren Makes This Jew Write a Blog Post

And just when I forgot that Arkansas was a state, I read about this doozy:

Arkansas state senator Kim Hendren is drawing fire for referring to New York Sen. Chuck Schumer as “that Jew” during a speech with Pulaski County Republican party activists.

Uy.

But don't worry, he has an apology:

"At the meeting I was attempting to explain that unlike Sen. Schumer, I believe in traditional values, like we used to see on The Andy Griffith Show... I made the mistake of referring to Sen. Schumer as ‘that Jew’ and I should not have put it that way as this took away from what I was trying to say."

Nope. I was wrong. That's not an apology at all. His mistake is not because -you know- you shouldn't refer to someone as "that Jew," but because it took away from his point, which I remind you was: a belief "in traditional values, like we used to see on The Andy Griffith Show."

We are, after all, a nation founded on (that) Judeo-Christian-Griffith principles.

I bet he would get it right with a second chance, though:

"I ought not to have referred to it at all," Hendren told the AP. "When I referred to him as Jewish, it wasn't because I don't like Jewish people."

Or he'd get it wrong again.

Just to be clear, it's not because Hendren doesn't like Jewish people. It's just that he finds the easiest way to define and identity individual Jews, who he happens not to like, as "that Jew." It's not a racist thing. It's just that Jews are so obviously Jew-ey and that's what people think about when they see them.

He then stressed that we should be focusing on all the shit that black guy in the White House is getting us into.

Erroneous on Both Accounts

Whilst ambling up 5th Avenue today, a fast walking man bumped into a female, causing the following back and forth.

Man: (sincerely) Excuse me.
Woman: (angrily) That's my space!

It occurs to me that this woman has made two errors in her calculations:

1. A quick perusal of the New York City Department of Transportation's "Pedestrians and Sidewalks" section makes it clear that ownership of sidewalks falls to the city or to building owners, and not to pedestrians.
2. Even if the sidewalk was truly "her space," this man was obviously not attempting to overtake her territory. He had no weapons, no plan, and no armor. He's not going to fall prey to one of the classic blunders: never get involved in a land war on 5th Avenue.

So... to Man I say what woman should have: You're Excused.

A&E - 4th Largest Cable Network. Redux.

This is my second attempt at defending A&E for their claim of being the fourth "largest" cable network. I think this time, with help from Amicus Blogus Butch, I've cracked the case. Let's take a look at their hit shows:

1) Dog the Bounty Hunter-
2) CSI: Miami -

3) Gene Simmons Family Jewels -

4) The Two Coreys -

Clearly, then A&E is the 4th Largest Cable Network - when measured in douchebag wearing sunglasses terms.

It's actually surprising to fall to number 4, but it's going up against juggernauts in the top 3 spots:
3) The How to Hide Your Eyes From Noticeable Signs of Drug Usage Network
2) The Poker Channel
1) The Michael Phelps Network

Twitter Ruins Chinese Proverbs Too

If "a picture is worth a thousand words," how could twitpic possibly exist?

And since this is about 140 characters too short to post:

A&E: 4th Largest Cable Network?

Yesterday, on the side of a bus I saw an ad for A&E that proudly declared:

4th LARGEST CABLE NETWORK

Leaving aside whether or not that's something to brag about, (where do you draw the line? Would "6th largest" make it to a bus? "8th largest?" "Larger than SpikeTV?") a pressing question remains:Is A&E really the 4th largest cable network?

Well, I tracked down the source with some super sleuthing (read: typing words into Google), and the whole thing is worth a read. It's filled with marketing bullshit like:

In a world of overwhelming choice, A&E's success story is nothing less than amazing. With four straight years of growth, fueled by our dominance in nonfiction programming and the strength of our acquired dramas, we stand now as the fourth largest cable network against adults 25 to 54.

I love that they start this with what I can only assume is the Don LaFontaine "In a world..." voice.

Now, normally, I'd leave it like that but I have a sneaking suspicion based on the rest of the copy and on the fact that I have never watched a show on A&E that "largest" somehow doesn't mean "most watched," and is some other measurement. Maybe it's largest by average weight of viewer.

Well, friend of the blog, Av suggests going with:

WORLD'S LARGEST NEWS NETWORK

and just measure it by ampersand usage.

Star Trek Pun Winner

According to Linda Holmes on NPR's Monkey See, our #2 suggestion has taken the lead:

In the end, however, my unofficial tally suggests that the tightly contested weekend race for most widely used Star Trek pun went to "beams up." Congratulations, "beams up"!

A shocking upset to "boldly go," and a victory to reviewers everywhere who continue to surprise us with new, witty, creative, and out of the box writing.

Honestly, I still wanted to see "Dammit Jim, he's a doctor, not a heart throb" somewhere. Alas.

Roger Ebert, Bob Mondello, Tom Charity, Carrie Rickey, Peter Travers, and Claudia Puig Follow My Star Trek Advice

So that not every reviewer would need to use a "warp speed" pun, a week ago, I gave this list of completely unique puns for Star Trek reviewers to use:

• This film boldly goes where no Star Trek has gone before
• Star Trek beams you up!
• Star Trek not only lives long, but it prospers!
• If I had to use one word to describe Star Trek, it would be "Fascinating!"
• There is a lot of intelligent life up on the screen!
• Dammit Jim, he's a doctor, not a heart throb
• Star Trek is not logical, but it's a great watch!
• It's illogical how much fun this movie is
  
• Star Trek will engage you
• Your torpedoes will be "up"
• Resisting Star Trek is futile
• Star Trek has not yet reached its Final Frontier
• With the latest in the series, Star Trek is not dead, Jim
• This movie has its Phasers set to "STUN" (added by favorite commenter, CherryLimeRickey)
  

These are all completely hilarious, and worthy of someone who is paid to review movies professionally. Well, some reviewers lived up to the standards of professionalism and used some of these puns I suggested:

Roger Ebert (Chicago Sun Times) -
MINE: This film boldly goes where no Star Trek has gone before.
HIS: Like so many franchises, it’s more concerned with repeating a successful formula than going boldly where no “Star Trek” has gone before.

Bob Mondello (NPR) THREE TIMES-
MINE: This film boldly goes where no Star Trek has gone before.
HIS: You'd think... there'd be few places in the universe a Federation starship could still "boldly go where no one has gone before."

CLR's: This movie has its Phasers set to "STUN"
HIS: In short, to set phasers on stun with a killer opening sequence

And a "warp speed" pun. Again.
HIS: it's hard to imagine anyone caring much why we're plunging ahead at warp speed, when the ride is so insanely satisfying.

Tom Charity (CNN) DUAL APPEARANCE-
MINE: Star Trek not only lives long, but it prospers!
HIS: May his work live long and prosper.

And a "warp speed" pun. Again.
HIS: This exhilarating blockbuster gets under way at warp speed.

Carrie Rickey (Philadelphia Inquirer) THRICE-

MINE: Dammit Jim, he's a doctor, not a heart throb
HERS: To paraphrase McCoy, I'm a movie critic, Jim, not a physicist.

CLR's: This movie has its Phasers set to "STUN"
HERS: Abrams has the Enterprise crew set phasers to stun

This "warp speed" one doesn't even make sense:
‘Star Trek’ prequel a warp-speed success

Peter Travers (Rolling Stone) -
MINE: This film boldly goes where no Star Trek has gone before
HIS: still boldly go where no man, William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy included, has gone before

Yup, warp speed again:
Summer officially hits warp speed with Star Trek

Claudia Puig (USA Today)
MINE: Resisting Star Trek is futile
HERS: Resistance is futile

MINE: This film boldly goes where no Star Trek has gone before
HERS: it boldly goes a long way where previous Star Treks haven't gone before

To those who used a cheap, played out, canned "warp speed" pun - shame on you! To the rest of you who used the new, brilliant, creative puns that I came up with in under a minute, kudos! Good work! Way to be "out of the box" and creative.

Charles Barkley on Ron Artest: "He Grew up in a violent neighborhood"

An insane story from Ron Artest:

"I remember When i used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that. I remember one time one of my friends was playing basketball and he was winning the game. It was so competitive, they broke a piece of leg from a table and they threw it and it went right through his heart, and he died... Right on the court. So I'm accustomed to playing basketball really rough."

Well sure, it sounds bad, but you don't know the kind of guys Ron Artest hangs out with:

Honestly, the other options are not at all feasible on a basketball court.

An Invention of the Year? This Year?

Out of England... A technological revolution! So exciting and new! It's a Time magazine "Invention of the Year," the Espresso Book Machine:

[T]he Espresso Book Machine is being billed as the biggest change for the literary world since Gutenberg invented the printing press more than 500 years ago... the machine prints and binds books on demand in five minutes, while customers wait.

You only have to wait 5 minutes to read something? Gee wilikers! That's super fast! You think, in the future, we'll ever be able to just read something instantly with the click of a button?

Signaling the end, says Blackwell, to the frustration of being told by a bookseller that a title is out of print, or not in stock, the Espresso offers access to almost half a million books.

I sure do hate going all the way to my local bookseller only to find out they don't have what I want. It's great that they can print a half a million books! Maybe one day we'll have access to a million books or a billion and maybe we won't even have to go to a store! Wouldn't that be the coolest!?

[It's] the equivalent of 23.6 miles of shelf space, or over 50 bookshops rolled into one.

Woah! That's a lot, Dad. That's probably more information than ever held anywhere in one spot. Except in your brain, dad- you're the smartest!

"This could change bookselling fundamentally," said Blackwell chief executive Andrew Hutchings... If you could walk into a local bookshop and have access to one million titles, that's pretty compelling."

You think we'll really be able to buy soooo many books from one place!?

Technology sure is amazing. Maybe one day I'll be able to type thoughts into a form and it will be immediately published and anyone in the whole wide world could see it.

Word of the Day: Metsochism

Metsochism - [ˈmets-ə-ˌkiz-əm] noun

1. A sports fan perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or frustration especially by the New York Mets.

2. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying baseball games.

Sam the Sophist née Joe the Plumber

He is the gift that keeps on... well, existing.

Which gift? I'd say he is like the awful tie your aunt got you that you are forced to wear when she is around thereby never letting you bury it in the back of the closet. But I digress (highlight mine):

Q: What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?
A: At a state level, it's up to them. I don't want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it's wrong. People don't understand the dictionary—it's called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It's not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that.

Agreed. People don't understand the dictionary. So let's try and understand it:

Queer-
1 a: worthless, counterfeit b: questionable, suspicious2 a: differing in some odd way from what is usual or normal b (1): eccentric, unconventional (2): mildly insane : touched c: absorbed or interested to an extreme or unreasonable degree : obsessed d (1)often disparaging : homosexual (2)sometimes offensive : gay 4b3: not quite well

Honkey -

usually disparaging : a white person

So you see, whereas "queer" is often or sometimes disparaging or offensive, "honkey" is usually disparaging. There is no comparison. Besides, Joe could have meant "queer" as one of the other definitions- you know, that gay people are worthless, suspicious, different, or insane. And there is nothing offensive about that.

In conclusion, Joe the Plumber is a cracker.

Maybe Chuck Norris's Tears Don't Cure Cancer

At least he doesn't want us to think they do:

Tough-guy actor and martial arts expert Chuck Norris sued publisher Penguin on Friday over a book he claims unfairly exploits his famous name, based on a satirical Internet list of "mythical facts" about him.

I don't like Norris's chances for a simple reason:

Chuck Norris can't get a fair jury. He has no peers.

Scrolling Through TV Listings on a Rainy Sunday

Showing on MTV2 right now...

"MTV Cribs Awards 2009" hosted by Kim Kardashian. The categories I've seen are "Best Home Theater" and "King of Bling."

That's it. I'm pretty sure I don't need a joke. MTV has done it for me. Enjoy a taste:

What is Blockbuster Going to do Now that Movies are Online and No One Wants DVDs From a Store?

The answer. From the store on Broadway and 94th st.:

Oh! You're thinking of Blockbuster Video. No, they had a defunct business model and don't exist anymore. We're blockbuster Media. No relation.

Common mistake. Don't worry about it. No apology necessary.

Joe Barton - Not a Student of History

Congress is hard at work on the problems that matter. When there is an injustice, Congress is there to take action and that is why they are having hearings on college football's extremely troubling Bowl Championship Series. Good work, government!

The highlight came. though, when Congressman Joe Barton (R, Texas) opened his mouth and made this salient comparison:

"It's like communism," he said. "You can't fix it."

That the BCS is exactly like communism is something we can all agree on. Luckily, Joe Barton had the guts to say it out loud.

However, Rep. Barton then says "You can't fix it." You can't? Does the Republican from Texas not remember the crumbling of the Berlin Wall!? Ronald Reagan did that! We should follow his model.

Therefore, here are 6 easy steps to implementing a college football playoff system:

1. The US Government should enter into a continuing state of conflict with the BCS.
2. Contain the BCS by not allowing other Universities/ Conferences to join.
3. Wait for the BCS to suffer severe economic stagnation.
4. Increase the diplomatic, military, and economic pressure on the BCS.
5. Wait for the BCS's central power to weaken.
6. Reanimate the corpse of Ronald Reagan to get the BCS to tear down their wall.

And there you have it. If we follow these steps, we should have a playoff system by the year 2060.

Good Work, Joe Barton!

You're Welcome, Star Trek Movie Reviewers

(hattip Ami)

As of today, Metacritic has a perfect score of 100 for JJ Abrams' upcoming "Star Trek." It's based off two reviews from The Hollywood Reporter and Variety:

"Paced at warp speed with spectacular action sequences rendered brilliantly and with a cast so expert that all the familiar characters are instantly identifiable."

- The Hollywood Reporter

"Blasting onto the screen at warp speed and remaining there for two hours, the new and improved Star Trek will transport fans to sci-fi nirvana."

- Variety

Oof, they both went the "warp speed" route. Tough Break. Hey- it's tough out there for a movie critic. Being original is HARD.

So, with Star Trek coming out in only one week, I am going to give a list of brilliantly original, totally unforced, completely hilarious, non-warp speed, Star Trek references that critics should definitely use in their creative reviews:

• This film boldly goes where no Star Trek has gone before
• Star Trek beams you up!
• Star Trek not only lives long, but it prospers!
• If I had to use one word to describe Star Trek, it would be "Fascinating!"
• There is a lot of intelligent life up on the screen!
• Dammit Jim, he's a doctor, not a heart throb
• Star Trek is not logical, but it's a great watch!
• It's illogical how much fun this movie is
  
• Star Trek will engage you
• Your torpedoes will be "up"
• Resisting Star Trek is futile
• Star Trek has not yet reached its Final Frontier
• With the latest in the series, Star Trek is not dead, Jim

I am sure if you use any of these, you will be the only one.

Feel free to leave other suggestions for extremely clever potential lines in the comments.