Monday, June 8, 2009

David Ortiz Is Going to Check His Eyes

Unless he left his steroids somehow under his eyelids, I don't see how this will help:
"I've been thinking about getting my eyes checked -- for real," Ortiz told The Associated Press. "My vision has always been 20-20, and I'm not feeling anything crazy, but I'm going to get it checked out... We get our eyes checked every year... I'm 20-20. Go and check it out. It's not anything big. I will, though. I seriously will."
It's not that crazy though. I am sure many of you remember the case of Ricky Vaughn, whose eyesight affected his performance:

Vaughn , and the Indians, were much better after he got glasses.

So could it happen for the Red Sox? Sure. But I would recommend following the rest of the prescription from "Major League" just to be sure. So here are the other things that the Red Sox should do:
  1. Worship Joe Boo
  2. Jason Varitek should threaten Mike Lowell to "cut (his) nuts off and stuff 'em down his fuckin' throat."
  3. Varitek should drive the bullpen car to hook up with that librarian he's always loved.
  4. Get a life size cut out of a naked Larry Lucchino and rip off one piece of clothing per victory.
  5. Have a fun to watch winning streak montage that ends with them in a first place tie.
  6. Jonathan Paplebon should sleep with Mike Lowell's wife.
  7. Beat the Yankees on a bunt single that scores a run from second base.
I would also hire Neil Flynn to root for the Red Sox but that's optional. The Red Sox should get on the rest immediately.

1 comment:

  1. 8. Urinate on said Joe Boo. (Jobu?)
    9. Have two men slide into home plate safely one immediately after the other.
    10. Wear vest and necktie in fancy restaurant.
    11. Juuuuuust a bit outside. No verb needed.