Thursday, April 30, 2009

Movies That Exist: Tiptoes

(hattip Matt and Filmdrunk, who have a great headline)

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying movie trailer. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and watch:

Cannonball! Yes, this actually exists. This is not a parody. This boat is real!

Highlights (and there are too many to do them all justice):
  • "Carol and Steven's life together is perfect"voiced over a blow job scene because nothing says life is perfect like an interrupted blow job.
  • "There's one small problem" - Get it? Small! Cause they're dwarfs! We're hilarious!
  • Gary Oldman: "I'm his brother. We're Twins." One of us is big and one of us is small but we're twins. I bet you've never seen that before, huh?
  • "They're not midgets, they're dwarfs." "Whatever." - To their credit, we're not under the misconception that they'll deal with this with nuance.
  • Kate Beckinsale's assertion that Matthew McConaughey has to tell her that his family is dwarfs followed immediately by a scene where Beckinsale doesn't tell her parents.
  • Kate Beckinsale's weird S&Mish leather collar in said scene.
  • Hilarious dinner scene - serious pregnant scene - hilarious party scene - serious wedding scene. I know comedies don't usually win Oscars, but...
  • "In the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman" - In the sense that Gary Oldman will only play a dwarf one time in his life, this voice over is undeniably true.
  • "Tiptoes" - Uh, did we mention they were dwarfs? Cause they are.

May this Balderdashian feature recur many times.


  1. I think you left out the fact that they (or at least one of them) is Jewish, as per the wedding scene. Begs the question - which one is Jewish, the blonde Texan or the London Brit?

    Another question, I find it hard to believe Mr. McConaughey agreed to this film which looks as if it provides a scant few script opportunities for him to take his shirt off.

    - Gelfand

  2. Good point. But you never want to make a movie about dwarfs that isn't about Jewish dwarfs. That's movie making 101.

  3. See also:

    Their two oldest are twins, one dwarf, one not.

    And I really can't decide if I should be horrified by this movie or not.

  4. This can not be real