ESPN Isn't Buying Patrick Kane's B.S.

Blackhawks star Patrick Kane allegedly assaulted a cabbie who would not give him 20 cents change. He spent time in jail, and now the grand jury is hearing his case.

Well, this morning, he issued the following apology:

"Because I put myself in being in the wrong position in the wrong time, I've caused a lot of pain for my family and my hometown of Buffalo, the city of Chicago, the Chicago Blackhawks and obviously the great fans we have here in Chicago," Kane said. "And for that part I sincerely apologize."

We've seen a lot of non-apology apologies in the sports world (Omar Minaya's recent pretend apology to Adam Rubin comes to mind) but this one seems exceedingly egregious. Kane doesn't mention what actually happened, and apologizes for being in the wrong position. Kane didn't give up a goal. This is about more than positioning. This is obviously BS.

But the amazing part is that ESPN's news story calls him out on it. The paragraph right after his quote explains (emphasis mine):

Kane's statement, given before the start of the U.S. Olympic men's hockey orientation camp, lasted less than a minute and added no new details of what transpired in Buffalo, given the ongoing legal proceedings.

Even better than that... here is ESPN's lede to that story. I am not editing it in any way:

Patrick Kane said he was "sincerely" sorry for his actions that led to his recent arrest following an altercation with a cab driver in Buffalo, N.Y.

That's amazing. In their reporting of the facts, ESPN called Patrick Kane's apology "sincere" in quotes.

There are so many examples of media trying to present facts as equal even when one side is clearly right (think about how much airtime the "birthers" got recently), it's refreshing to see a news piece call out bullshit where it so obviously exists.

Patrick Kane - As a fan, ESPN "accepts" your apology.

ESPN's Headlines Designed to Minimize Clickthrus

Did I say "make you want to read the story"-? I meant "are the whole story."

From my Google Reader, right now. Click to enlarge:


Ah, but what else is this story about? For those details, you'll have to read the whole article.

Or just read the headline again.

Steptoe's Agent Comin Off Like a Syn-Dick

As a Mets fan, I know that injuries happen. (Well, as a Mets fan, I know that injuries constantly happen, sometimes in comically inept ways, and are also always much worse than whatever the team announces.) That goes double for a sport like football where players actually- you know- hit each other and put their body at constant physical risk.

But are all football injuries created equally? On that question, ESPN.com has an intriguing story lead:

Cleveland Browns reserve receiver Syndric Steptoe will miss the season with a torn labrum in his shoulder, and his agent says coach Eric Mangini's decision-making is to blame, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported.

Ooh! What did Mangini do? Did he have him practice even though Steptoe said he was injured? Did he pressure him into doing too much to save his job? Did he make him do up-downs until Blue is no longer tired and thirsty?

"Obviously, hindsight gives one a different perspective," Stanley said. "But if the practice had stayed a walk-through, Syndric wouldn't be preparing for season-ending surgery right now. The decision produced a bad result for the kid and the team.''

I agree. In fact, I think we should extend his logic much further. If instead of playing football at full speed against other elite athletes who are looking to tackle you with all the force of their bodies, these players were able to run at half speed and not be tackled at all... can you imagine how many fewer injuries there would be?

If the NFL would just completely change the rules and style of the sport that Syndric Steptoe is paid $ 300,520 to play, he would probably have never torn his labrum.

For shame, NFL!

Now, did Mangini have to rub it in by pre-emptively showing the great condition of his labrums at his opening press conference?Debatable. But, I'd like to think that yes, yes he did have to rub it in.

I am suddenly very much in the mood for a hug.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice: Donte Stallworth Update

Donte Stallworth, who you may remember from previous "A Sad Lessons," received only 30 days in jail for KILLING A MAN WHILE DRUNK DRIVING and today had a meeting with the NFL commissioner where he read the following statement:

"I recognize that there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held. It is clear that I exercised poor judgment and caused irreparable harm to Mario Reyes, his family, the NFL, its owners, coaches, employees and to my fellow players."

Now there are two separate parts to discuss here:

1. What tipped Stallworth off that the harm he caused to Mario Reyes was irreparable? Is it that Reyes is dead? Was that it? (It's a shame mad scientists aren't a little closer to solving that.)


2. I'm sorry... Stallworth recognizes that "there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held." WHAT? You see the two systems and you understand and think it is logical that the criminal justice system may let you off but the NFL justice system simply holds these things to higher standards? In what universe do courts let you pay off a fine for killing someone but a sport draws the line?

This universe I guess.

By the way, Donte Stallworth is still on the Cleveland Browns, Michael Vick has not been touched by any team.

This all makes sense.

This is a Blog Post Title

SNY's Mets broadcast tonight spells it out for us:

Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was a blue bar.

It Would Also Be a New Job Description for the Team Doctor

(hattip, Amicus Bloggus Dan)

Though, I already wrote about this in the Huffington Post, there was one part of the Washington Post's article explaining why the Mystics don't employ a kiss cam (because same-sex kissing is controversial) that deserved its own highlight:

"We wouldn't broadcast on our Jumbotron about abortion issues because of the religious and political conflicts it would cause," said Lindsey Harding, the team's point guard. "It's a similar, sensitive subject. We don't want to put anything out there to turn down certain fans."

So because they don't want to offend "certain fans" (certain wimpy fans, if I may say so), the rest of us lose out on an in-stadium abortion cam?

We need to be entertained during timeouts!

Think of all the other things that we can't scan the crowd for and show on the jumbotron just because of politically correct concerns:

• Illegal Immigrant Cam - The Pepsi Party Patrol shoots 1 green card into the stands. Anyone who is here illegally and doesn't catch the green card is deported by Lou Dobbs.
• Stem Cell Research Cam - We watch as stem cells take on the characteristics of the cells in the seats around them. The crowd texts in their vote guessing which type of cell it will become.
• Tax Cam - As The Beatles' "Tax Man" plays, some of the best seated one percent of the crowd give up their seats to help the poorest seated 75% of the crowd.
• Global Warming Cam- The crowd cheers as the Heat-o-meter rises in the stadium. The zanier the crowd the higher on the scale it can go from "Ice Age" to "Global Meltdown"

If we can only have Cams that we all agree on, we're going to lose out on a lot. I hate that smile cam, for example. What are all those people hiding?

Oh, Man. The Pepsi Center Really Wanted to See John Cena Take on The Big Show

Here are tonight's top headlines from espn.com. Take a look at highlighted number 7:
"Pepsi Center Stunned as WWE Raw Goes to L.A." As Brother of the Blog Amir asks, who writes like that?

In truth, I would sort of love for the rest of the sports news to be written anthropopathically:

• Quickens Loan Arena Distraught over Cavaliers 1 Point Loss; Blames Itself
• Yankee Stadium Insulted by "Easy to Hit Homeruns" Talk
• Jailhouse Feels Less "Rapey" Without Michael Vick

But why stop with sports news?

• Guantanamo Bay Fearful of Terrorists; Wants America to Imprison Them
• Craigslist Strangely Aroused by Prostitution Ring
• Waterboard Tortured by Weight of Detainees

Nice. Internet Amused by Mocking of ESPN's Headline

Charles Barkley on Ron Artest: "He Grew up in a violent neighborhood"

An insane story from Ron Artest:

"I remember When i used to play back home in the neighborhood, there was always games like that. I remember one time one of my friends was playing basketball and he was winning the game. It was so competitive, they broke a piece of leg from a table and they threw it and it went right through his heart, and he died... Right on the court. So I'm accustomed to playing basketball really rough."

Well sure, it sounds bad, but you don't know the kind of guys Ron Artest hangs out with:

Honestly, the other options are not at all feasible on a basketball court.

Joe Barton - Not a Student of History

Congress is hard at work on the problems that matter. When there is an injustice, Congress is there to take action and that is why they are having hearings on college football's extremely troubling Bowl Championship Series. Good work, government!

The highlight came. though, when Congressman Joe Barton (R, Texas) opened his mouth and made this salient comparison:

"It's like communism," he said. "You can't fix it."

That the BCS is exactly like communism is something we can all agree on. Luckily, Joe Barton had the guts to say it out loud.

However, Rep. Barton then says "You can't fix it." You can't? Does the Republican from Texas not remember the crumbling of the Berlin Wall!? Ronald Reagan did that! We should follow his model.

Therefore, here are 6 easy steps to implementing a college football playoff system:

1. The US Government should enter into a continuing state of conflict with the BCS.
2. Contain the BCS by not allowing other Universities/ Conferences to join.
3. Wait for the BCS to suffer severe economic stagnation.
4. Increase the diplomatic, military, and economic pressure on the BCS.
5. Wait for the BCS's central power to weaken.
6. Reanimate the corpse of Ronald Reagan to get the BCS to tear down their wall.

And there you have it. If we follow these steps, we should have a playoff system by the year 2060.

Good Work, Joe Barton!

Sleeping With 1,000 to 5,000 Women Isn't the Interesting Part...

I am in love with the phrasing in this Q&A with Darryl Strawberry (courtesy of The Big Lead):

Q: How many women did [you] sleep with?
A: I don’t know. More than you should have, just put it like that.
Q: More than 1,000?
A: Oh yeah, of course.
Q: More than 5,000?
A: Oh no, I won’t stretch it that far.
Q: What is the most women he’s been with at one time? Four?
A: No no, I never went down that road… Maybe three.

Strawberry hilariously teeters between trying to come off as a person with normal sexual habits and his true reactions, which give him away. Let's take a better look at that sequence of answers again:

Question #1
Q: How many women did [you] sleep with?
A: I don’t know. More than you should have, just put it like that.
Look, look - I've made some mistakes. I've had my share of parking tickets. Pulled some pranks. I was young once, right? Look, I had a fling once during spring training, slept with one, max two, prostitutes. But come on - Remember that one night you got drunk and ended up waking up in that pool house with the girl with a third nipple? We all have mistakes. So - yea- I slept with slightly more girls than normal...

Question #2
Q: More than 1,000?
A: Oh yeah, of course.
I just said "slightly more girls than normal." OF COURSE I've slept with more than 1,000 women. I have a penis. I have needs. Add that together - that's 1,000+ already. Can you keep these questions interesting? I mean, have I slept with 1,000 women? Have I walked 1,000 steps? Have I continued to be alive for 1,000 days? Come on now.

Question #3
Q: More than 5,000?
A: Oh no, I won’t stretch it that far.
What the hell kind of a person do you take me for? More than 5,000 women? You sick, twisted mother fucker. How do you view women? As objects!? Is sex just a conquest for you!? Does it have no meaning? 5,000 women. Never, and I mean never, have I felt so slighted. 5,000 women? I pity you. I do. May god have mercy on your soul.

Question #4
Q: What is the most women he’s been with at one time? Four?
A: No no, I never went down that road… Maybe three.
I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Nah, I'm not ready for it.

Want to Make Madden More Realistic? Add Madden

ESPN previews this year's incarnation of my favorite video game, Madden Football. My favorite part about Madden is the way they always strive to get everything realistic. What do I mean by "everything?" Let Phil Frazier, senior producer for Madden, explain:

"Green gloves in Seattle, all the new jerseys that have been announced, Super Bowl patches for the players -- it's all about authenticity... we're even looking into fixing Troy Polamalu's hair... We want everything you see on Sunday to be seen in 'Madden NFL 10'... If you see a kicker warming up on the sideline, that's the type of detail we want you to see in Madden as well. All those details, from little things like the right stripes on uniforms to the kickers warming up, that's what you're going to see in the game... I just think the game is really starting to feel like an NFL simulation should feel, and that's really what I'm most proud of."

In other words (actually, the same word repeated again), everything. And all of it in the name of authenticity. One aspect highlighted in the article is the larger rating gaps between elite and average players. Why is that important? Frazier, again (emphasis mine):

"The more I talk to players, the more I realize how important these video game ratings really are. These numbers are talked about in the locker rooms and even on the practice field. When somebody misses a block, guys will joke about how his rating just dropped five points."

Well, in the name of authenticity/ realism, players teasing each other about their Madden ratings has to be incorporated into the game. In fact, the right way to do that is to have the players in Madden play a "Madden" video game and then have them tease each other in Madden about their "Madden" scores. Of course, in the "Madden" game they play in Madden, the players should be playing "Madden."

It's simple. It looks exactly like this:


Or a Matryoshka Doll.

Whatever. It's still less confusing than Lost.

It's a Productive Draft When You Can Fill a Need

In the New York Post today, Paul Schwartz quotes "one scouting service" describing third round pick Ramses Barden:


Same as Plaxico without foot quickness or speed?

Well, at least we still have a headcase capable of shooting himself.

"All Right, We'll Call it a Draw"

Insane news from the world of Mixed Martial Arts:

This Saturday, Kyle Maynard, a congenital amputee with no elbows or knees, will make his amateur mixed martial arts debut at the Auburn Covered Arena in Auburn, Ala.

This guy is obviously impressive, but mixed martial arts? Really? This can't end well. My prediction for the how the fight goes:




He'll bite their legs off.

"Attended by Dozens of Fans" Isn't the Funny Part Here

The idiocy of this speaks for itself:

Detroit has added teeth to its new Lions logo... The franchise revealed subtle changes to the logo and how the word "Lions" is spelled out during a news conference Monday attended by dozens of fans.... The leaping lion appears more fierce, while the team name features an italicized slant...The team says the changes are consistent with its "sense of mission and direction."

It's like readjusting the cushions on the rearranged deck chairs on the titanic.

The image below. And as you can tell, they will clearly be tougher to play this year.