A Sad Lesson in American Justice 5

By now, you either know the story of Plaxico Burress or won't care about this blog post. The quick reminder: Last year, Burress illegaly carried a handgun into a New York City club and shot himself in the thigh, because, hilariously, he was carrying it in his sweatpants waistband.

Well, today he pleaded guilty and got... 2 years in prison:

Burress pleaded guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, a lesser charge than he initially faced. Under a plea agreement, he agreed to a two-year prison sentence and two years of supervised release.

So Plaxico Burress, for accidentally shooting himself gets two years in jail.

So here is our updated system of how bad different crimes are, to the best of my ability to think logically, based on our criminal justice system:

1. WORST > Stealing Lance Armstrong's Bicycle (3 years in jail)
2. VERY BAD > Accidentally Shooting Yourself (2 years)
3. SOMEWHAT BAD > Organizing Dogs To Kill Each Other for Sport (18 months PLUS 6 football games)
4. EH, NO BIG DEAL > Killing Someone While Driving Drunk (30 days)

Oh, and if you want to provide Health Care for people, you are guilty of genocide. Though on this scale, I am not sure you'd get much of a punishment for genocide. Assuming, of course, that you didn't also steal people's bicycles while wiping out their ethnic group.

This all continues to make sense.

As Ben Brafman said (and man, it's hard to agree with that guy... but- you know- even broken shlocks are right twice a day):

"This was not an intentional criminal act... In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment... If Plaxico Burress were not a high-profile individual, there never would be a case."

America. Sigh.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice: Donte Stallworth Update

Donte Stallworth, who you may remember from previous "A Sad Lessons," received only 30 days in jail for KILLING A MAN WHILE DRUNK DRIVING and today had a meeting with the NFL commissioner where he read the following statement:

"I recognize that there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held. It is clear that I exercised poor judgment and caused irreparable harm to Mario Reyes, his family, the NFL, its owners, coaches, employees and to my fellow players."

Now there are two separate parts to discuss here:

1. What tipped Stallworth off that the harm he caused to Mario Reyes was irreparable? Is it that Reyes is dead? Was that it? (It's a shame mad scientists aren't a little closer to solving that.)


2. I'm sorry... Stallworth recognizes that "there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held." WHAT? You see the two systems and you understand and think it is logical that the criminal justice system may let you off but the NFL justice system simply holds these things to higher standards? In what universe do courts let you pay off a fine for killing someone but a sport draws the line?

This universe I guess.

By the way, Donte Stallworth is still on the Cleveland Browns, Michael Vick has not been touched by any team.

This all makes sense.

Really, Michael Vick? REALLY?

I've spent some time on the blog, questioning the legal system re: Michael Vick, but this befuddles me:

Former NFL QB Mike Vick had been in prison for 19 months before being released into federal custody in May. Monday, he was released from federal custody. What was the first thing Vick did? The former Falcons QB went to Atlantis strip club in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

And that story doesn't even mention who the strippers were:



She's just trying to pay her way through obedience school.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 4

(hattip The Big Lead)

previously on Humor Slays Me... Michael Vick gets two years in jail for killing dogs. Donte Stallworth goes for ONE MONTH for drunkenly killing a person. And someone gets THREE YEARS in prison for stealing Lance Armstrong's bicycle. Now, on a very special "Sad Lesson in American Justice" -

Just Say No to Drugs.

Unless you are Donte Stallworth. Then, apparently, you can do whatever you want (emphasis mine):

After fatally striking a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in a March drunk driving accident, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth also tested positive for marijuana use, law enforcement sources say.

Donte Stallworth was high and drunk when he fatally hit someone with his motor vehicle. Can anyone explain to me how he only goes to jail for a month?

Why is the scale of crimes in this country killing a person then killing dogs then stealing a bicycle?

A Sad Lesson in American Justice

Two crimes and two punishments. Both NFL Players. You tell me which punishment more closely fits which crime.

CRIME #1 - Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture
CRIME #2 - Manslaughter while driving under the influence of alcohol

PUNISHMENT A - 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest, eight years probation, pay $10,000 in fines and perform 1,000 hours of community service.
PUNISHMENT B- A maximum of 5 years in prison, a fine of $250,000 and 3 years of supervised release

CRIME #1 was committed by Michael Vick. He received punishment B. His maximum jail time was 1,825 days

CRIME #2 was committed by Donte Stallworth. He received punishment A. His maximum jail time is 30 days.

I am not trying to downplay what Vick did in any way, but how the hell do you get less jail time for KILLING A PERSON WHILE DRIVING DRUNK than you do for killing dogs? It's terrible to kill dogs, of course, but how do we live in a country where killing an animal gets a more severe punishment than killing a person?

And I am afraid that the answer to that question is really going to piss me off. Now I am wondering, what is the punishment for? Take a look at these two quips from each news story (emphasis mine).

Vick's:

... received a harsher sentence than the others in the federal conspiracy case because of "less than truthful" statements about killing pit bulls. Vick said he accepted responsibility for his actions, but U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson said he wasn't so sure. "I'm not convinced you've fully accepted responsibility," Hudson told Vick.

Stallworth's:

Lyons said Stallworth had accepted full responsibility for his actions. "He acted like a man, he reported it immediately to the police through 911, he remained at the scene, he co-operated fully with the Miami Beach Police Department," Lyons said.

What the fuck are we punishing people for? Whether or not they are sorry? Is this kindergarten? Do we take defendants over to the people they harmed and ask them to 'tell them you're sorry?'

• "I know I committed genocide, but I am truly sorry for that."
• "I take full responsibility for the rape and murder. That one's on me."

I am confused about the criminal system. Why are we doling out punishment based on people's contrition in the face of their crimes rather than the actual crimes themselves?