10 Mets Predictions for the Rest of 2009

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor, leaving only Frankie Rodriguez as the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Kevin Tor and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Tor's Take for Kevin's.

10) "On a Razor's Edge" - Angel Pagan is thrown out at home plate when Razor Shines delays the signal to send him. He later blames a slow internet connection for not receiving the go ahead from "Razor Shines - Aquafina 3rd Base Coach of Life."

9) "Generation L" - The post-game DynaMets Dash leaves 13 children with torn ACL's. Jerry Manuel says they weren't mentally tough enough.

8) "Toxic As-Mets" - The Wilpons invest their ownership stake in the New York Mets with Charles Ponzi.

7) "Sh*tty Field" - Citi Field is forced to relinquish its name in bankruptcy. George Steinbrenner buys the naming rights and calls it "Not Yankee Stadium"

6) "Doesn't Ring a Bell" - On a foul ball, Cowbell Man breaks his tolling hand. The Mets rush him back three days later. He will now be out through 2011.

5) "Mets Make a Deal!" - The Mets release Oliver Perez, reacquire Scott Kazmir, then trade Kazmir to the Free Agents for Perez.

4) "Tony So-pants-o" - The Mets rehire Tony Bernazard who removes his pants before challenging Adam Rubin to a fight.

3) "See No Feeble" - Tickets for seats down the lines become harder to buy as Mets fans start to clamor for seats where at least some of the field is obstructed.

2) "Home Run Poor-ch" - Pepsi, not wanting to have its name associated with the Mets, have sold the rights to the "ShopRite Brand Cola Porch"

1) "A-dam Good Catcher?" - Adam Rubin blogs about Brian Schneider's offensive struggles. Omar Minaya accuses him of lobbying for the Mets starting catcher position.

And don't forget to check out Kevin's Top Ten at Tor's Take.

(thanks to Amicuses Bloggus BiMus, Amir, and EB for the help.)

This is a Blog Post Title

SNY's Mets broadcast tonight spells it out for us:

Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was a blue bar.

Daniel Murphy Has Been Working On His Hitting

But his use of rhetorical devices still needs sharpening, specifically when formulating an antimetabole .

Here is Daniel Murphy, Mets first baseman, as quoted by the New York Times and in turn by Metsblog. They refer to his words as "chicken and the egg" and "Catch 22" respectively. But his words aren't that at all, and the New York Times somehow misses that. Here is what Murphy had to say:

“You have to have confidence to hit, but to get hits, you have to be confident.”

Murphy's quote is not a catch 22 or chicken and the egg question at all but simply a repitition that looks deep because the clauses are inversted in the sentence's second half. If placed in the same order, here are both parts of Daniel Murphy's sentence:

1. You have to have Confidence to hit.
2. You have to be confident to get hits.

Unquoted, though I am sure mentioned by Murphy, is that you also have to swing confidently to hit the ball. And be a confidant to a hit.

I love the Mets, and I like Daniel Murphy, but this is just another example of a player lacking fundamentals. When the Mets aren't running out balls, they are screwing up antimetabole usage. It's always something with this team.


post script-
What Murphy meant to say say was probably:

“You have to have confidence to hit, but you have to have hits to be confident.”

And that's quite the Catch 22.

Carlos Beltran Understandably Misses Third Game in a Row

New York Mets news, courtesy of Metsblog:

Yet again, Carlos Beltran will not be in tonight’s starting lineup, missing his third-consecutive start due to a stomach bug.

Now, some might think that it's a little wimpy to miss three games with a stomach bug, but those people aren't considering that the bug he has in his stomach is actually the Volkswagen Bug:


Don't judge a Beltran till you've digested a car in his shoes.

Word of the Day: Metsochism

Metsochism - [ˈmets-ə-ˌkiz-əm] noun

1. A sports fan perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or frustration especially by the New York Mets.

2. A willingness or tendency to subject oneself to unpleasant or trying baseball games.

Sleeping With 1,000 to 5,000 Women Isn't the Interesting Part...

I am in love with the phrasing in this Q&A with Darryl Strawberry (courtesy of The Big Lead):

Q: How many women did [you] sleep with?
A: I don’t know. More than you should have, just put it like that.
Q: More than 1,000?
A: Oh yeah, of course.
Q: More than 5,000?
A: Oh no, I won’t stretch it that far.
Q: What is the most women he’s been with at one time? Four?
A: No no, I never went down that road… Maybe three.

Strawberry hilariously teeters between trying to come off as a person with normal sexual habits and his true reactions, which give him away. Let's take a better look at that sequence of answers again:

Question #1
Q: How many women did [you] sleep with?
A: I don’t know. More than you should have, just put it like that.
Look, look - I've made some mistakes. I've had my share of parking tickets. Pulled some pranks. I was young once, right? Look, I had a fling once during spring training, slept with one, max two, prostitutes. But come on - Remember that one night you got drunk and ended up waking up in that pool house with the girl with a third nipple? We all have mistakes. So - yea- I slept with slightly more girls than normal...

Question #2
Q: More than 1,000?
A: Oh yeah, of course.
I just said "slightly more girls than normal." OF COURSE I've slept with more than 1,000 women. I have a penis. I have needs. Add that together - that's 1,000+ already. Can you keep these questions interesting? I mean, have I slept with 1,000 women? Have I walked 1,000 steps? Have I continued to be alive for 1,000 days? Come on now.

Question #3
Q: More than 5,000?
A: Oh no, I won’t stretch it that far.
What the hell kind of a person do you take me for? More than 5,000 women? You sick, twisted mother fucker. How do you view women? As objects!? Is sex just a conquest for you!? Does it have no meaning? 5,000 women. Never, and I mean never, have I felt so slighted. 5,000 women? I pity you. I do. May god have mercy on your soul.

Question #4
Q: What is the most women he’s been with at one time? Four?
A: No no, I never went down that road… Maybe three.
I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Nah, I'm not ready for it.