Archie, You Callous Bastard

I really shouldn't spend any more words expressing my anger with Archie, but one other thing needs to be mentioned. Take a look at the cover of the comic:


So, yes, I am upset he chose Veronica over Betty, but there is something else also. Look who is there when he gets engaged to Veronica. It's Jughead (best friend, maybe he is there for moral support, maybe he is there to take pictures or video... understandable) and BETTY!

Why is Betty there? They're in a jewelry store (which is ridiculously tacky on its own merits. They just picked out the ring. What's the rush? Did Archie get Veronica pregnant? Is that what this is all about?) so it's possible that she just happened to walk by but... that would be one hell of a coincidence.

Much more likely is that Archie actually invited Betty to witness this moment in his and Veronica's life. Which brings me to my point... Archie, you are a callous bastard. If I'd known all along that this is who you were, I never would have rooted for you and Betty in the first place.

He Should Have Worn the Ribbon

New York Magazine's Daily Intel blog linked to the harrowing tale of a mugged Brooklyn subway rider:

A subway dance troupe turned militant on May 25 when the dancers viciously mugged a 22-year-old straphanger on the J train... One of the perps asked the victim if he would like to “see something mesmerizing.” The victim said yes, so the perp pulled himself into the air on the train’s metal bars and unleashed a powerful kick to the victim’s chest. Two other dancers then joined in the attack and started punching and kicking the victim in the head and body.

The police have released a rough sketch of these street toughs:

The victim was robbed of his wallet, dignity, and an armoir.

CNN Can't Keep Up with All the Lingo the Kids are Using Nowadays

A gloriously confusing lede from CNN:

She was "shaky" because she "breezed through to the finals."

Can't you just picture the CNN headline writer? You know... shaky - as in "steady." Like the kids say it - the way bad means good and sick means healthy?

Sadly, Urban Dictionary (the place you go to find out the was real kidz speak) does not have CNN's back:

Shaky - Not definite, risky, not very skillful
Example - Erika's skills at driving are kinda shaky after she kills mad beers at Nadine's house.

Turns out that "shaky" just means "shaky."

I also think it's cool that Urban Dictionary got a dad from a Hillary Duff movie to write the example for them.

CNN's mistake. Like the kids say, "my bad." No biggie. LOL :-)

Mitt Romney Chucks Some Dick Cheney Facts

Here is Mitt Romney's I-can't-believe-he-actually-okayed-this-without-punching-himself-in-the-face response to yesterday's National Security speeches by Barack Obama and Dick Cheney (emphasis mine):

[Barack Obama] said that the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep at night is keeping America safe. That's a big difference with Vice President Cheney—when it came to protecting Americans, he never went to sleep.

Hmm... Remind you of anyone?

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."

When did Dick Cheney become Chuck Norris and get his own Dick Cheney Facts? I don't know, but I'm in Romney. You had me at "never went to sleep."

• They found the weapons of mass destruction. Turns out they were under Dick Cheney's sleeves.
• People Make fun of Dick Cheney for keeping a giant man size safe in his office, but where else is he going to keep his giant man-size balls.
• Deficits don't matter when Dick Cheney's there. When Cheney's around, nothing is ever lacking.
• The only form of torture Dick Cheney knows is tickle torture. Too bad he's not ticklish.
• When Dick Cheney shoots you in the face, you apologize to him.
  
• America is not a democracy, it's a Dicktatorship.
  

This is great news for him and. like Chuck, it makes him really hard to prosecute.

If I forgot any of your favorite Dick Cheney facts, add them in the comments.

You're Either Pro-Sanctity of Marriage or Anti-Children. Those are the sides of this debate.

"I'm Confused" says the final kid in that ad. Aw. Do you think it's good to confuse helpless children? What kind of a monster are you?

There's only one problem. Do you know what else confuses kids? EVERYTHING. Everything confuses kids. Every day, everything about life confuses kids.

Both of my grandmothers were named Sylvia. As a child, I thought that all grandmas changed their name to Sylvia, and were called "Grandma Sylvia." Why did I think that? Because I had a tiny, developing brain and I got confused very easily because EVERYTHING CONFUSES KIDS.

In fact, This American Life, has an entire segment dedicated to:

children who get a mistaken idea in their heads about how something works or what something means, and then don't figure out until well into adulthood that they were wrong.

The segment included stories about a girl who thought monkeys painted her tissue box, someone who thought unicorns were an actual species of animal, a girl who thought "Deer Xing" signs were pronounced "Deer zing," and a boy who thought all the people included in surveys for TV ratings shared the last name "Nielsen." Why did these people think that? Because EVERYTHING CONFUSES KIDS!

You know what else confuses kids? Tooth Fairies and Santa Claus. Who sells them these lies?

Anyway, to the idiots who put out commercials like this: it's your bigotry about gay marriage that is going to be the mistaken idea that your kids won't figure out was wrong until adulthood. It's one more myth that will eventually be dispelled. You're part of the everything that confuses kids.

Ugh.

You know what the saddest part is? This is actually a step up from Republicans latest arguments against gay marriage.

Oh, Man. The Pepsi Center Really Wanted to See John Cena Take on The Big Show

Here are tonight's top headlines from espn.com. Take a look at highlighted number 7:
"Pepsi Center Stunned as WWE Raw Goes to L.A." As Brother of the Blog Amir asks, who writes like that?

In truth, I would sort of love for the rest of the sports news to be written anthropopathically:

• Quickens Loan Arena Distraught over Cavaliers 1 Point Loss; Blames Itself
• Yankee Stadium Insulted by "Easy to Hit Homeruns" Talk
• Jailhouse Feels Less "Rapey" Without Michael Vick

But why stop with sports news?

• Guantanamo Bay Fearful of Terrorists; Wants America to Imprison Them
• Craigslist Strangely Aroused by Prostitution Ring
• Waterboard Tortured by Weight of Detainees

Nice. Internet Amused by Mocking of ESPN's Headline

Twitter for Twitter's Sake?

I know I've complained about Twitter before, but if you'll indulge me once more, uh... WHAT??? (emphasis is so very much mine):

TweepMe is the easiest way to get new followers on Twitter. When a new member joins, every other member automatically follows the new member, and the new member follows them back. The process is gradual and happens over the course of weeks or months depending on the number of TweepMe members.

Correct me if I am wrong here, but isn't the whole point of Twitter to follow friends or, in the very least, people with common interests? What possible appeal is there to just follow random people who, not only do you not know anything real about, you don't even know what they'll Tweet about?

And on the writing side, isn't the challenge and interesting part of Twitter to be concise/ interesting enough to earn followers? What possible appeal is there to sign up to Twitter and then automatically have strangers following you?

Whatever. I guess I shouldn't complain if someone wants to create a free sub-social network within a social network, right? No. So very wrong of me:

TweepMe membership costs $12.95 for a lifetime account.

If the lottery is a poor tax, TweepMe is a pathetic loner tax.

Thanks to Marginal Revolution for the link, and out of tradition:

What's Worse Than Finding A Poop in Your Salad?

This is me pointing to a tiny stain on my pants. This stain occurred during lunch at Bryant Park. I saw it land, which leaves 2 options for how it got there:

1. A bird pooped on me
2. A drop of my salad dressing fell on me

On the one hand, it looks like bird poop (was white, black on my napkin), which makes me think that... it's bird poop. On the other hand, it's a tiny drop, which makes me think that it's salad dressing.

If it's bird poop, I got shat on today. If it was in my salad, my salad had something in it that looked curiously like, but may very well not have been, bird poop.

This may be the worst kind of catch of all. I have no idea which I would prefer.

You Definitely Wouldn't Want to Get "Poked"

CNN is carrying a warning from the Shin Bet:

Terrorism groups are using Facebook and other social networking sites to recruit Israeli citizens as spies, the Israeli government warned Monday... "The Shin Bet has gotten many reports about cases where terrorist elements are using the Internet to get in touch with Israelis with proposals to enlist in terror activity or to pass classified information in exchange for payment," the statement said.

It was only a matter of time before terrorists got into social marketing. And it translates so well to facebook. I look forward to my news feed:

• Anas Al-Liby invited you to the event "Ain't No Party Like a Jihad Party"
• Ayman al-Zawahiri > Abu Ayyub al-Masri: Happy Birthday!!! Death to America :-)
• Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed took the "What Kind of Terrorist Are You?" Quiz. And the Result was "A Suicide Bomber." You are stealthy, quick and good at getting into places. You are a hero. You look good in baggy clothes. You don't mind dying because you know you'll have 70 virgins waiting for you.
• Osama bin Laden is "livin' in a cave... down by the river!" LOL!
• Mahmoud Ahmadinejad likes this
  

Why are they even coming up on my newsfeed? Simple. I hate defriending people.

The Secret of the Postsecret

The first postcard from this week's Postsecret blog post is a potent and touching one:

Now, here is her logic:

1. You get punished for not believing in god
2. She doesn't believe in god
3. She will get punished (in this case, that her husband "won't come home")

You good with that?

I'm not.

This woman is worried that her lack of belief in god deserves to be/ will be punished. Well, who would dole out that punishment? God! If you truly don't believe in god, then you also don't believe he has the ability to punish anyone. Since she thinks that her lack of belief in god will be punished by god.... she must, by definition, believe in god. Therefore her husband can't be punished for any lack of belief.

All in all, I guess by her logic, this is great news for her. Her true secret is that she does believe in god.

Now it's time to resume reading this week's blog post to find out if someone eats their coworker's tuna sandwich.