Sarah Palin and Queen Esther- Both Beauty Contest Winners

Though I think the talent that Queen Esther had to perform was a different sort of flute playing than Sarah Palin's.

On The Plank, Jonathan Chait asks an interesting question today:

One of the most alarming things about Katherine Harris--remember her?--was her persistent fantasy that she was a modern-day Queen Esther, dramatically proclaiming, "If I perish, I perish." Now Sarah Palin is saying, "If I die, I die." Is she also indulging the Queen Esther fantasy?

Now, we'll leave aside that Chait missed the more obvious fantasy she is indulging, and just say that if she is indulging her Queen Esther fantasy... well, Orphan said it best:

I'd Watch ViewMaster... of the Universe. Maybe.

Dreamworks is making a movie based off of the old ViewMaster toys. Seriously.

You may remember ViewMasters as well as I do, but for our younger readers, let me explain what ViewMaster was. I hope our older readers will enjoy the memory lane stroll.

ViewMaster was a crude plastic toy that you could look into and into which you put a white wheel with slides (slides are hard copies of pictures that you can project onto the wall.) Then you turned the wheel with a plastic switch and viewed the images one after the other. Often, these images in succession, would tell a story. Other times, they would not. they'd just be a bunch of related pictures.

These ViewMasters had many limitations, such as:

1. A very limited amount of pictures (I think it was 12) were available for viewing.
2. It was just a bunch of pictures. It had no sounds or music or moving images or anything that helps tell stories.
   
3. You could accidentally load the slide at the wrong place, thereby ruining any surprises in the story. (One saving grace, you only had 12 pictures, so the stories weren't interesting enough to be "ruined.")
4. If you put it in facing the wrong way, the pictures appeared backwards. This was confusing.
5. If the wheel got bent, you couldn't put it in the ViewMaster. And you couldn't really just View these pictures, sans Master.
6. You looked like a doofus while using them. (Think RecSpecs + What people thought virtual reality glasses would look like)

So why did we use them? One reason only. And I think this reason is the most perplexing thing about this movie... We used them because - they were the best we had. It was ViewMasters or books. Those were the story telling toys we were privy to. It was the best we had if we weren't watching TV.

But you know what's better than ViewMasters? Everything in the world that exists now. Ipods fix all the problems we once had with ViewMasters. (Yeah, I'm going to leave the idea of Ipods as a modern ViewMaster out there.) Digital cameras do more than ViewMasters!

So they are making a movie about a crude device that was replaced by portable movie players. I wonder if it will be played only on AM radio.

Palin's Speeches Remain Unclear, But Her References Are Awfully Specific

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for the catch)

The quote from this morning's NY Post:
Apparently, she can see Ivan Drago from her house.

Couldn't you just see Palin explaining herself at her next news conference by saying "I fight to win! I fight for me! For Me!"

And, of course, the requisite Ivan Drago tribute:


T minus 6 hours till someone has the Drago/Palin mashup online. I think that's how this whole saga ends. I think Sarah Palin goes the Drago route and helps to end the Cold War.

What's the Internet Like, Ron?

(hattip Amicus Bloggus AB for showing me the site)

There's a cute site called What Does The Internet Think that claims to give you a big picture outlook as to what the internet thinks on a topic of your choosing. Is it a good representation of the internet? Two simple searches have confirmed for me that it 100% understands not only how the internet thinks, but how the internet approaches the world. (You can click on the pictures below to see a larger view)

Search #1 - Hitler


Search #2 - LOL Cats

98.8% of the internet doesn't care about Hitler. That seems correct. Unless an AwkwardHitlers.com starts up, it's probably destined to stay that way.

On the other hand, 100% of the internet has an opinion on LOL cats. In other words, there is no one who uses the internet and is neutral about LOL cats. The vast majority of it is positive, of course. This is because of how funny LOL Cats truly are.

I think this site has explained the internet better than I ever could.

It's Past the Time to Ask: What is with all the Rain?

Is there a butterfly convention in China that I don't know about?

(If there was a butterfly convention in China, why do I think I would know about it? Fair point, other voice in my head.)

Rappers Tea Light

I'm sorry, Ms. Goldberg, this is for real.

Jonathan Gutstadt is laid back, sippin' on chivas and juice. He is the latest in a string of jewish hip hop artists. But for him, it's not all about the binyamins. It's about religion. Because Jonathan:

is merging traditional Shabbat prayers with hip-hop in an effort to connect the contemporary generation with centuries-old prayers... The "prayerformace," aptly dubbed by Hip-Hop Shabbat is a modernized version of the Shabbat service, which combines the traditional Friday night prayers with rapping and dancing, backed up by pre-recorded hip-hop, reggae, electronica and dub beats... [including] spin-offs of traditional Friday night liturgy such as "Shalom Aleichem," and Jewish songs like "Oseh Shalom."

It's all fun and games until Hip-Hop Shabbat and Matisyahu start an East Bank-West Bank battle.

It needs to be asked - How pissed off is Etan G right now? He was way ahead of the Jewish hip hop trend. Unless, of course, this is just shmutz off his shoulder.

Uy.

At Least the Celebration Didn't Involve a Macaulay Culkin Look-alike?

There have been plenty of Michael Jackson tributes since his death one week ago. The BET Awards became a tribute to him. The Game dedicated a song to him. Best Week Ever even brought us the single best and single worst tribute.

Worst tribute, that is, until last night. In a football game last night, the Canadian Football League's Arland Bruce did just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard (emphasis gleefully mine):

Following a TD pass from Kerry Joseph that put Toronto ahead 6-0, Bruce removed his helmet, shoulder pads and uniform top and laid down in the end zone. Bruce said he was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson by pretending to be buried.

Once again - He was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson... by pretending to be dead. Apparently, that's how he'd like to remember Michael.

The best part of this is that a typical outlandish touchdown celebration is... to do a dance. What's one of the main things Michael Jackson was famous for? Dancing. Arland Bruce added 1+1 and came up with -1,700.

I am willing to bet that he can't do a moonwalk, so he decided to come up with the next best thing. I will agree that lying there motionless is a hell of an easier dance step.

[UPDATE - hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for finding the video]

Who Said Disco is Dead?

Christopher Bader collapsed while walking in the woods with his wife, Debra. Debra saved his life. How? The CNN headline tells the story:

Disco tune saves man's life

I had assumed from the headline that the tune itself had done the life saving. Not so. But it still is pretty remarkable:

"I looked at him and said, 'He's dead,' because he wasn't moving or making any sounds at all," Bader remembers. "But I pulled the cell phone out of his pocket and called 911, and then a public service announcement I'd heard on the radio popped into my head."

The one-minute PSA from the American Heart Association instructed listeners, in the event of cardiac arrest, to perform chest compressions very hard to the beat of the 1970s Bee Gees song "Staying Alive." When someone suffers cardiac arrest, as pop singer Michael Jackson did last week, the heart stops functioning completely, and brain death begins within four to six minutes if the victim doesn't receive help.

"I sang the song and gave directions to the EMTs at the same time. It was like, 'Stayin' alive, stayin' alive -- take a right here, take a left here -- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive -- take this path down here -- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive,' " Bader remembers.

So the song "Staying Alive" actually helps people stay alive. That's incredible. Is this something that disco music can do? Can listening to disco music work like the cryogenic freezing period for criminals in "Demolition Man," where at the end of it you just have all these new skills you didn't know about?

Was Anita Ward's hit simply instructions to farm owners who needed to call their family for meal time? Has Bear Grylls just listened to more Gloria Gaynor than the rest of us? And how have the Village People not caused "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to topple?

But disco is dead in America and we no longer gain valuable life living and life saving skills from pop music. No wonder our life expectancy is so much lower than Europeans.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 4

(hattip The Big Lead)

previously on Humor Slays Me... Michael Vick gets two years in jail for killing dogs. Donte Stallworth goes for ONE MONTH for drunkenly killing a person. And someone gets THREE YEARS in prison for stealing Lance Armstrong's bicycle. Now, on a very special "Sad Lesson in American Justice" -

Just Say No to Drugs.

Unless you are Donte Stallworth. Then, apparently, you can do whatever you want (emphasis mine):

After fatally striking a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in a March drunk driving accident, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth also tested positive for marijuana use, law enforcement sources say.

Donte Stallworth was high and drunk when he fatally hit someone with his motor vehicle. Can anyone explain to me how he only goes to jail for a month?

Why is the scale of crimes in this country killing a person then killing dogs then stealing a bicycle?

What if I was to Give you Nothing? Is that Something you Might be Interested in?

The concert organizers for Michael Jackson's canceled (for reasons of death) world tour are in a pickle. They will make no money on the actual concerts (see death parentheses above). Yet, they have spent boats of money on promotion. But- what can you do? You got hosed. I guess you just have to refund the money, right? (emphasis mine)

Michael Jackson fans who purchased tickets for his final concerts will receive a full refund or, if they chose, a commemorative ticket, the concert promoter said Tuesday... Fans who decide they would rather have a souvenir will receive a ticket conceived by Jackson. There are eight designs that include holographic images of the entertainer on the front.

By the way, the full refund or, if they choose, the cost of the commemorative ticket starts at $105. But I could see a situation where if you are a lifelong die hard Michael Jackson fan, you would want some sort of ticket as memorabilia. You want a keepsake, albeit a very expensive one. Then I saw the picture alongside the CNN article:

The fans already have regular concert tickets. So here is the choice, essentially:

1. Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get back $105
2. Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get another, much more expensive concert ticket to show to friends

You already have the keepsake they are offering you for 105 dollars. You can have your money back... or nothing. Nothing at all. That's the choice here.

This is outrageous! How do the concert promoters explain themselves here?

"Since he loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death."

But if you're screwing fans over, and your treatment is akin to how he treated his fans, then... ipso facto... by that logic... carry the 7...

Shameful.