Now That's Some Nutty Advertising

On the subway this morning, I saw the most incredible advertisement of my entire life. This is the eye-catching picture on the top of the poster:

Angst, conflict, trouble, pain. Here is a man in a suit, a business man, a respectable man, and he is crying out for help. He is poised, cell phone open. If only he had the courage and the wherewithal to make some monumental decision. But he is stuck. He is torn. He can not decide. What could possible sway his mind? Is there some way in which he could muster the courage to act?

"There Is!" claims the ad:


Peanuts.

Oh.

Wait. WHAT? PEANUTS? PEANUTS?

I've seen some absurd advertisements in my life, but I think "if you eat peanuts, you will have the energy (isn't it more 'gumption' than 'energy' anyway? Do peanuts give you nerve?) to call a girl" is just about the most asinine thing I have ever seen.

It's a simple message - Eat peanuts and be happy or don't eat peanuts and die alone. Sucks to have a nut allergy.

The worst part is that I can just see the sad ad exec, hopped up on a marathon viewing of Mad Men, coming into the office and putting forward his best Don Draper - placing a finished scotch glass on a coaster, taking a drag from his cigarette, and definitively explaining "we're not selling peanuts, we're selling love."

Whatever happened to the good ol' days of old fashioned peanut advertising - when instead of peanuts giving you love, they gave you something much more realistic...
Class.

What if I was to Give you Nothing? Is that Something you Might be Interested in?

The concert organizers for Michael Jackson's canceled (for reasons of death) world tour are in a pickle. They will make no money on the actual concerts (see death parentheses above). Yet, they have spent boats of money on promotion. But- what can you do? You got hosed. I guess you just have to refund the money, right? (emphasis mine)

Michael Jackson fans who purchased tickets for his final concerts will receive a full refund or, if they chose, a commemorative ticket, the concert promoter said Tuesday... Fans who decide they would rather have a souvenir will receive a ticket conceived by Jackson. There are eight designs that include holographic images of the entertainer on the front.

By the way, the full refund or, if they choose, the cost of the commemorative ticket starts at $105. But I could see a situation where if you are a lifelong die hard Michael Jackson fan, you would want some sort of ticket as memorabilia. You want a keepsake, albeit a very expensive one. Then I saw the picture alongside the CNN article:

The fans already have regular concert tickets. So here is the choice, essentially:

1. Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get back $105
2. Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get another, much more expensive concert ticket to show to friends

You already have the keepsake they are offering you for 105 dollars. You can have your money back... or nothing. Nothing at all. That's the choice here.

This is outrageous! How do the concert promoters explain themselves here?

"Since he loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death."

But if you're screwing fans over, and your treatment is akin to how he treated his fans, then... ipso facto... by that logic... carry the 7...

Shameful.

What is Pizza Hut Going to do Now that Pizza is too Expensive and Everyone Wants to Eat Healthy?

(hattip BWE blog)

The answer. From their marketing division. Go the way of Blockbuster "Media":

Oh! You're thinking of Pizza Hut. No, they had a defunct business model and don't exist anymore. We're The Hut. No relation.

Common mistake. Don't worry about it. No apology necessary.

Where is the Stimulus Package?

The New Republic has a fun slideshow of ads that use the recession to sell their products.

Included on the list are:

Beds



Condoms


and Virgins

And even with all three of those... there is still, no sign of my Stimulus Package idea. Get on it, corporate America.

A&E - 4th Largest Cable Network. Redux.

This is my second attempt at defending A&E for their claim of being the fourth "largest" cable network. I think this time, with help from Amicus Blogus Butch, I've cracked the case. Let's take a look at their hit shows:

1) Dog the Bounty Hunter-
2) CSI: Miami -

3) Gene Simmons Family Jewels -

4) The Two Coreys -

Clearly, then A&E is the 4th Largest Cable Network - when measured in douchebag wearing sunglasses terms.

It's actually surprising to fall to number 4, but it's going up against juggernauts in the top 3 spots:
3) The How to Hide Your Eyes From Noticeable Signs of Drug Usage Network
2) The Poker Channel
1) The Michael Phelps Network

A&E: 4th Largest Cable Network?

Yesterday, on the side of a bus I saw an ad for A&E that proudly declared:

4th LARGEST CABLE NETWORK

Leaving aside whether or not that's something to brag about, (where do you draw the line? Would "6th largest" make it to a bus? "8th largest?" "Larger than SpikeTV?") a pressing question remains:Is A&E really the 4th largest cable network?

Well, I tracked down the source with some super sleuthing (read: typing words into Google), and the whole thing is worth a read. It's filled with marketing bullshit like:

In a world of overwhelming choice, A&E's success story is nothing less than amazing. With four straight years of growth, fueled by our dominance in nonfiction programming and the strength of our acquired dramas, we stand now as the fourth largest cable network against adults 25 to 54.

I love that they start this with what I can only assume is the Don LaFontaine "In a world..." voice.

Now, normally, I'd leave it like that but I have a sneaking suspicion based on the rest of the copy and on the fact that I have never watched a show on A&E that "largest" somehow doesn't mean "most watched," and is some other measurement. Maybe it's largest by average weight of viewer.

Well, friend of the blog, Av suggests going with:

WORLD'S LARGEST NEWS NETWORK

and just measure it by ampersand usage.

What is Blockbuster Going to do Now that Movies are Online and No One Wants DVDs From a Store?

The answer. From the store on Broadway and 94th st.:

Oh! You're thinking of Blockbuster Video. No, they had a defunct business model and don't exist anymore. We're blockbuster Media. No relation.

Common mistake. Don't worry about it. No apology necessary.