"What? That happens. Actually, a LOT of Porn Movies Start that Way"

A man was caught masturbating on the number 3 train. (Otherwise known as "the train I ride every day.") Worse for him- he was caught on cell phone camera:

It's tough when they've got you on camera, but still... people videoed/ pictured have gotten off before (sure, pun intended.) How is he going to get out of this one? The Shaggy Defense? The Little Man Defense? What's he going to go with (emphasis mine)?

"That's me in the pictures, my private parts fell out," Bishop told cops, according to court documents. "I looked down and it was out, it just popped out. I was trying to put it back... I deeply apologize for what happened," Bishop told police, according to the court documents. "I do admit the whole truth."

Well, this is ridiculous! I simply don't understand why the world hasn't started designing pants that completely cover penises. We have scientists working on cancer and watermelon and pheromones, but not one engineer has yet to create a pair of pants that could guarantee that your penis won't fall out and your hand won't accidentally rub it in a way that could be misconstrued as masturbation? It's unconscionable that men everywhere walk around experiencing exactly the same thing that happened to this guy - out of nowhere, our penises will just fall out of our pants.

Weak, science. Weak.

How Many Poles Does it take to Turn a Subway into a Strip Club?

(Hat Tip Fraterus Bloggus Amir for 98% of this.)

One! One that girls can dance on while you eat meat:

He opened "Cousin Vinny's Way," which, according to his flyer, promised $5 foot-long subs, a free fountain drink and "six hours of nonstop, hard-core, live action from some of the most beautiful young ladies who have ever chosen to take their clothes off in public."

And Conan did a "Jared" joke in response in his monologue. (Why did I put quotes around that like it's some sort of variant of joke, like there are knock knock jokes and Jared jokes?) But Fraterus Bloggus Amir and I think we can do better.

Which means it's time for another... Great Punch Line Off 2009! Me vs. Me vs. You. See you in the comments.

• It's great. You can get a $5 foot long to go with your 5$ foot long.
• It's $5 for a Subway but $50 for a "Rubway."
• They also changed their cup sized from small, medium, and large to B, C, and D.
• A lot has changed in the store, but he's keeping the slogan.
• One piece of advice - Careful when you order the meatballs.
  
• No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the freezer room.