Oh, Comedy... You Slay Me

The White House Puts Their Pants on One Leg at a Time

2009-08-25T00:58:00.004-04:00

From the White House twitter feed:
America has a fever and the only cure is more cowbell!

We could have had medication but since we won't get health care reform, it's pretty much just cowbell.

10 Mets Predictions for the Rest of 2009

2009-08-24T16:39:00.004-04:00

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor, leaving only Frankie Rodriguez as the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Kevin Tor and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Tor's Take for Kevin's.

10) "On a Razor's Edge" - Angel Pagan is thrown out at home plate when Razor Shines delays the signal to send him. He later blames a slow internet connection for not receiving the go ahead from "Razor Shines - Aquafina 3rd Base Coach of Life."

9) "Generation L" - The post-game DynaMets Dash leaves 13 children with torn ACL's. Jerry Manuel says they weren't mentally tough enough.

8) "Toxic As-Mets" - The Wilpons invest their ownership stake in the New York Mets with Charles Ponzi.

7) "Sh*tty Field" - Citi Field is forced to relinquish its name in bankruptcy. George Steinbrenner buys the naming rights and calls it "Not Yankee Stadium"

6) "Doesn't Ring a Bell" - On a foul ball, Cowbell Man breaks his tolling hand. The Mets rush him back three days later. He will now be out through 2011.

5) "Mets Make a Deal!" - The Mets release Oliver Perez, reacquire Scott Kazmir, then trade Kazmir to the Free Agents for Perez.

4) "Tony So-pants-o" - The Mets rehire Tony Bernazard who removes his pants before challenging Adam Rubin to a fight.

3) "See No Feeble" - Tickets for seats down the lines become harder to buy as Mets fans start to clamor for seats where at least some of the field is obstructed.

2) "Home Run Poor-ch" - Pepsi, not wanting to have its name associated with the Mets, have sold the rights to the "ShopRite Brand Cola Porch"

1) "A-dam Good Catcher?" - Adam Rubin blogs about Brian Schneider's offensive struggles. Omar Minaya accuses him of lobbying for the Mets starting catcher position.

And don't forget to check out Kevin's Top Ten at Tor's Take.

(thanks to Amicuses Bloggus BiMus, Amir, and EB for the help.)

Their Trio's Down to Two

2009-08-24T16:27:00.002-04:00

"Blame it on the Voices" has a picture of the cutest thing you'll see on the internet today, under the headline "Real Life Timon and Pumba:"

Although it makes you question all that "And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind" talk... Kinda makes you wonder if Hakuna Matata even means no worries for the rest of your days.

Maybe the Green Party is Running on a Pro Crack Platform?

2009-08-20T14:17:00.006-04:00

Seriously, what's going on?

Last week, I linked to what I thought was the outrageous sexualization of politics in Germany - billboards that show Angela Merkel and Vera Lengsfeld showing plenty of cleavage with the slogan: "We have more to offer" emblazoned over the chancellor's breasts:I thought that was absurd, but I had no idea. This morning, the great Sociological Images blog brings us an even crazier political ad:

The text reads: “The only reason to choose Black. Time for Green.”

Because black people are only good for squeezable asses?

We should also notice that the squeezing is being done by nail polished fingers- seemingly, female. So they get to check off sexism as well as racism. They have a huge lead in bigotry Bingo, right now.

I guess we should just be glad that this trend hasn't hit the U.S. yet, or in the last election cycle, the Democratic Party may have brought out an even uglier side of Dick Cheney.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 5

2009-08-20T13:46:00.003-04:00

By now, you either know the story of Plaxico Burress or won't care about this blog post. The quick reminder: Last year, Burress illegaly carried a handgun into a New York City club and shot himself in the thigh, because, hilariously, he was carrying it in his sweatpants waistband.

Well, today he pleaded guilty and got... 2 years in prison:

Burress pleaded guilty to one count of attempted criminal possession of a weapon, a lesser charge than he initially faced. Under a plea agreement, he agreed to a two-year prison sentence and two years of supervised release.

So Plaxico Burress, for accidentally shooting himself gets two years in jail.

So here is our updated system of how bad different crimes are, to the best of my ability to think logically, based on our criminal justice system:

WORST > Stealing Lance Armstrong's Bicycle (3 years in jail)
VERY BAD > Accidentally Shooting Yourself (2 years)
SOMEWHAT BAD > Organizing Dogs To Kill Each Other for Sport (18 months PLUS 6 football games)
EH, NO BIG DEAL > Killing Someone While Driving Drunk (30 days)

Oh, and if you want to provide Health Care for people, you are guilty of genocide. Though on this scale, I am not sure you'd get much of a punishment for genocide. Assuming, of course, that you didn't also steal people's bicycles while wiping out their ethnic group.

This all continues to make sense.

As Ben Brafman said (and man, it's hard to agree with that guy... but- you know- even broken shlocks are right twice a day):

"This was not an intentional criminal act... In my judgment, a two-year prison sentence is a very severe punishment... If Plaxico Burress were not a high-profile individual, there never would be a case."

America. Sigh.

Rush Limbaugh: "Barney Frank's Epidermis is Showing"

2009-08-19T17:48:00.004-04:00

Two videos have been circulating today.

The first is a video of Barney Frank reacting to a woman asking him why he supports Barack Obama's Nazi health care policies:

Frank's key quote:

"On what planet do you spend most of your time?"

The second is Rush Limbaugh's reaction to that video:

Limbaugh's key quote:

"Isn’t it an established fact that Barney Frank himself spends most of his time living around Uranus?"

Then Rush Limbaugh grabbed Barney Frank's arm and slapped Frank with his own hand, asking repeatedly"why are you hitting yourself?" Limbaugh then gave himself the circle circle dot dot, circle circle square square combination, packed up his radio equipment and headed home, where his mom had Oxycontin waiting for him - cut into triangles, just the way he likes it.

Budget Travel's Got Some Wild Ideas

2009-08-19T17:20:00.004-04:00

The September issue of Budget Travel Magazine got to the office today and I think it might be making some everything bagel-like commitments:

(Because you clearly can't read it, the words near the ladies face are "This could be you!")

I appreciate the confidence, Budget Travel. But I am pretty sure it can't be. Not on a budget, at least. That sort of surgery is expensive.

post-script
The bottom left of the cover reads "The World on Sale: 15 places to enjoy the best of shoulder season." I don't have a joke. I just have questions.

Hey! Hey! Hey! What's Going On Here?

2009-08-18T14:06:00.007-04:00

(Hattip amicus bloggus Adam)

Big news from the music world:

Dennis Haskins, A.K.A. "Mr. Belding" from the popular television series "Saved By The Bell," is set to release a one-of-a-kind, first ever celebrity CD/DVD karaoke package on September 1, 2009 titled "Karaoke With Your Favorite Principal Dennis Haskins A.K.A. 'Mr. Belding.'"

I don't like to miss anything that's both one-of-a-kind and first ever! Especially with amazingly unwordy titles such as:

Incredibly, Dennis Haskins' website confirms that this is for real, though I have no idea why he's making an "I just farted into a champagne glass... because I'm classy, that's why" look. Also, are those bunions growing from his chin? Did he forget to brush off the crumbs from the Entenmann's donut he just finished?

But most unclear is the song list. Why stretch for obscurity like Piano Man and Georgia when there are classics right at your fingertips? How much more likely would you be to buy this with the following track list:
1) "Break a Sweat" (Hot Sundae)
Saved by the Bell Workout

2) Friends Forever

3) "I'm so excited"

After that one, I never attempted to study for a math test after joining a girl band again.

4) [UPDATE 4:29 PM - thanks to Adam] "Cool School" (Regardless of what the thermostat says)

And the greatest closing song in the history of karaoke CDs
5) "Farewell to Bayside"

The least he could do is attempt "The Sprain" on the dvd. Come on Mr. Belding. Be as cool as Rod. For once.

ESPN Isn't Buying Patrick Kane's B.S.

2009-08-17T13:27:00.003-04:00

Blackhawks star Patrick Kane allegedly assaulted a cabbie who would not give him 20 cents change. He spent time in jail, and now the grand jury is hearing his case.

Well, this morning, he issued the following apology:

"Because I put myself in being in the wrong position in the wrong time, I've caused a lot of pain for my family and my hometown of Buffalo, the city of Chicago, the Chicago Blackhawks and obviously the great fans we have here in Chicago," Kane said. "And for that part I sincerely apologize."

We've seen a lot of non-apology apologies in the sports world (Omar Minaya's recent pretend apology to Adam Rubin comes to mind) but this one seems exceedingly egregious. Kane doesn't mention what actually happened, and apologizes for being in the wrong position. Kane didn't give up a goal. This is about more than positioning. This is obviously BS.

But the amazing part is that ESPN's news story calls him out on it. The paragraph right after his quote explains (emphasis mine):

Kane's statement, given before the start of the U.S. Olympic men's hockey orientation camp, lasted less than a minute and added no new details of what transpired in Buffalo, given the ongoing legal proceedings.

Even better than that... here is ESPN's lede to that story. I am not editing it in any way:

Patrick Kane said he was "sincerely" sorry for his actions that led to his recent arrest following an altercation with a cab driver in Buffalo, N.Y.

That's amazing. In their reporting of the facts, ESPN called Patrick Kane's apology "sincere" in quotes.

There are so many examples of media trying to present facts as equal even when one side is clearly right (think about how much airtime the "birthers" got recently), it's refreshing to see a news piece call out bullshit where it so obviously exists.

Patrick Kane - As a fan, ESPN "accepts" your apology.

"What? That happens. Actually, a LOT of Porn Movies Start that Way"

2009-08-14T16:24:00.005-04:00

A man was caught masturbating on the number 3 train. (Otherwise known as "the train I ride every day.") Worse for him- he was caught on cell phone camera:

It's tough when they've got you on camera, but still... people videoed/ pictured have gotten off before (sure, pun intended.) How is he going to get out of this one? The Shaggy Defense? The Little Man Defense? What's he going to go with (emphasis mine)?

"That's me in the pictures, my private parts fell out," Bishop told cops, according to court documents. "I looked down and it was out, it just popped out. I was trying to put it back... I deeply apologize for what happened," Bishop told police, according to the court documents. "I do admit the whole truth."

Well, this is ridiculous! I simply don't understand why the world hasn't started designing pants that completely cover penises. We have scientists working on cancer and watermelon and pheromones, but not one engineer has yet to create a pair of pants that could guarantee that your penis won't fall out and your hand won't accidentally rub it in a way that could be misconstrued as masturbation? It's unconscionable that men everywhere walk around experiencing exactly the same thing that happened to this guy - out of nowhere, our penises will just fall out of our pants.

Weak, science. Weak.

Word of the Day: Shoahdenfreude

2009-08-14T12:12:00.005-04:00

Shoahdenfreude- [shoh-ah'd-n-froi-duh] noun

satisfaction or pleasure obtained from the fictional misfortunes of nazis
(example= There was a general consensus at the kiddush club that watching "Inglourious Basterds" was a real experience of Shoahdenfreude.)

[thanks to fraterus bloggus, Amir, for the help]

Sorry Mario, But Your Princess is in Another... OH GOD, THEY'RE LEARNING!

2009-08-13T15:59:00.004-04:00

I am sharing this because...

Sharing means caring
This is genuinely very funny and fodder for an excellent sketch. What if the ghosts in pacman figured out how to eat the fruit? Or the Foot clan figured out that they could eat pizza and power up? ("That's why the Ninja Turtles never die! I've hit them with my sword sooo many times. This is crazy. The boxes are just sitting there! Beebop, Rocksteady... You guys have to eat this!")
According to my Google Reader, this comes from Iran! Doesn't that make you feel a little happy inside? We may not agree about all weapons, but we all see eye to eye about proper usage for mushrooms, flowers, and invincibility causing stars.

Today is the Day the Cranks were Right

2009-08-13T12:17:00.007-04:00

Remember when the Reality TV boom hit and moralist cranks everywhere bellowed a cacophony of warnings about the repercussions of mixing "reality" and tv? And then all those The Truman Show-like movies came out about these terrible games where we will have people kill themselves for our enjoyment. Well, the cranks were right:

TV host Wallace Souza is accused of ordering hits on criminal rivals and then covering the deaths for ratings... Wallace Souza, a state legislator and former host of a police TV show called "Canal Livre," also was a drug trafficker, officials say. And to get rid of the competition -- and drive up ratings -- he would order that criminal rivals be killed and then would have his camera crews arrive first on the scene, authorities say.

Sorry Cranks. You were right.

Movies like this always scared my mom. And if these are coming true, I fear she'll never get over her next biggest movie-fear:

That someone will steal Sandra Bullock's identity.

"But It Was A Really Sweet Car"

2009-08-13T11:00:00.005-04:00

Any one who is involved with child pornography in any way has serious psychological, moral, and legal problems. But when your need for child pornography is so great that you negotiate trading a car for naked pictures of an 11-year old, you are -amazingly- MUCH more screwed up than a typical child pornographer (and that is a hard level to be much more screwed up than). But two people in Spain are actually that messed up:

Spanish police have arrested an 18-year-old for allegedly trying to sell nude photographs of his 11-year-old sister in exchange for a car... The teenager did not get the car, but he did post several nude photographs of his sister online as a sample of what he could offer to the potential buyer, a 25-year-old man who has also been arrested, a police inspector said.

So here are the levels of screwed up as we have them:
1) People involved in child pornography
2) People so involved in child pornography that they'd sell their car for it

and i think we have to add a third level...
3) People who don't actually care about child pornography, but want a car so badly that they'd distribute pictures of their little sister

Seriously, isn't the 18 year old brother even more screwed up than the 25 year old? The 25 year old is screwed up because he cares about child pornography, because something in his brain makes him interested in that. That's messed up. And thankfully, illegal. But the 18 year old brother is screwed up because he doesn't care about child pornography and he doesn't care to the extent that he doesn't care if other people do care. He doesn't care so much that he'd swap pictures of his underage sister... for a car. It's not even a big deal to him. And that- to me- is sicker.

To care about child pornography is sick, to not understand why people care about creeps who are attracted to child pornography is insane.

This one other tidbit from the story made my brain go whaaaa (emphasis mine):

Police soon arrested the 25-year-old man in Santander for suspected child pornography. He allegedly entered online social networking sites posing as a young girl, aiming to persuade girls to post nude photographs of themselves, the police statement said.

What? That was his plan? He went with "hey, I am totally just another regular girl your age. isn't hanna Montana the best? We should have an online sleepover! where we're naked. let's send pictures. And remember, I am just a regular, girl your age and not a 25 year old mustachioed creep emailing from a windowless van, so it's ok."

If they're going to be creeps out there, I am much happier that they be incredibly dumb and hopefully unable to achieve their disgusting goals. This includes the 18 year old, who "did not get the car, but he did post several nude photographs of his sister online as a sample of what he could offer to the potential buyer."

I only wish he was too dumb to figure out how to post photos online.

ESPN's Headlines Designed to Minimize Clickthrus

2009-08-12T16:54:00.006-04:00

Did I say "make you want to read the story"-? I meant "are the whole story."

From my Google Reader, right now. Click to enlarge:

Ah, but what else is this story about? For those details, you'll have to read the whole article.

Or just read the headline again.

"Uh... My Policies are Up Here"

2009-08-11T13:15:00.005-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Hal)

A new campaign has popped up, brought to you by Vera Lengsfeld of the conservative party in Germany:What is it?

They show photographs of [each of Angela Merkel and Vera Lengsfeld] in an evening dress showing plenty of cleavage with the slogan: "We have more to offer" emblazoned over the chancellor's breasts.

In this country, the conservative party rails against big government and in Germany they support big... you know what, never mind. This really is too despicable for breast related double entendres. And I love breast related double entendres!

Lengsfeld "explanation:"

"If only a tenth of them also look at the content of my policies, I will have reached many more people than I could have done with classic street canvassing."

Vera, no one votes for the cow, when they get the milk for free.

Doesn't this smack of actresses who start in porn but want to transition into real movies. That doesn't happen because pornography isn't viewed of as legitimate art. Therefore, there is no ability to transition to real movies. By debasing Angela Merkel, Vera Lengsfeld has rendered herself illegitimate. She has made herself into the "boobs" candidate, and you don't transition from that into mainstream politics. Sadly, she brought Angela Merkel's chest down to her level. Like the absurd discussion over Hillary Clinton's neckline, Angela Merkel did nothing to ask for this treatment.

Lastly, could you ever imagine a male candidate EVER adopting another man for a similar campaign?
The Conservative party - We know how to handle packages. Let us take care of yours.

I didn't think so.

New Facebook Redesign

2009-08-11T12:06:00.003-04:00

A girl with the thinnest skin in the world (take your time imagining what that would actually look like) got rhinoplasty surgery because of a facebook comment:

Lowri Ryland, 21, was horrified when a friend posted a message on her site saying: 'With a nose that big you should wear a mask to cover it up.' The stunning brunette, who has just completed her law degree at Cardiff University, immediately made an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon and drew £3,500 from her savings for the operation.

I empathize. I once got liposuction because people kept facebook poking me.

It worked out great for me. How's it going for her?

She has now replaced her Facebook picture with a new one showing her redesigned nose. 'Since putting pictures of the new me on Facebook, I've been inundated with compliments,' she said.

Of course, there is also this new picture of her circulating online, found in the Daily Mall's article:

Man, with surgical scars that big, she should wear a mask to cover it up.

Steptoe's Agent Comin Off Like a Syn-Dick

2009-08-10T11:35:00.000-04:00

As a Mets fan, I know that injuries happen. (Well, as a Mets fan, I know that injuries constantly happen, sometimes in comically inept ways, and are also always much worse than whatever the team announces.) That goes double for a sport like football where players actually- you know- hit each other and put their body at constant physical risk.

But are all football injuries created equally? On that question, ESPN.com has an intriguing story lead:

Cleveland Browns reserve receiver Syndric Steptoe will miss the season with a torn labrum in his shoulder, and his agent says coach Eric Mangini's decision-making is to blame, the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported.

Ooh! What did Mangini do? Did he have him practice even though Steptoe said he was injured? Did he pressure him into doing too much to save his job? Did he make him do up-downs until Blue is no longer tired and thirsty?

"Obviously, hindsight gives one a different perspective," Stanley said. "But if the practice had stayed a walk-through, Syndric wouldn't be preparing for season-ending surgery right now. The decision produced a bad result for the kid and the team.''

I agree. In fact, I think we should extend his logic much further. If instead of playing football at full speed against other elite athletes who are looking to tackle you with all the force of their bodies, these players were able to run at half speed and not be tackled at all... can you imagine how many fewer injuries there would be?

If the NFL would just completely change the rules and style of the sport that Syndric Steptoe is paid $ 300,520 to play, he would probably have never torn his labrum.

For shame, NFL!

Now, did Mangini have to rub it in by pre-emptively showing the great condition of his labrums at his opening press conference?Debatable. But, I'd like to think that yes, yes he did have to rub it in.

I am suddenly very much in the mood for a hug.

How Many Poles Does it Take to Turn a Radio into a Strip Club?

2009-08-07T13:54:00.005-04:00

One! If you name your radio station "The Pole"

A new radio station called 101.5 the Pole just launched in Colorado, playing nothing but the finest in strip-club music from the eighties, nineties, and today.

Finally a radio station for people with the audible desires of strip clubs but not the sexual ones.

For the second time this week, we're seeing a business model misinterpret why people like strip clubs. People don't go to strip clubs for the ambiance. They don't go because they love the music, or they like the buffet.

People go to strip clubs for one reason and one reason only:

To help fund tuition.

If we start seeing someone selling watered down alcoholic drinks, bottled "air of desperation" perfume, or semen stained chairs, we've officially got a trend.

The Worst Julie and Julia Puns

2009-08-07T10:28:00.004-04:00

This isn't the first time we've done this, and it's time once again to check out how some movie critics are doing with their "Julie and Julia" puns. Remember- it's tough out there for a movie critic. Being original is HARD.

"Enjoy" these cliched or incredibly forced food puns:

A.O. Scott (New York Times)
"Trimming some fat from Ms. Powell’s rambling book (and draining some of the juice as well)"
"Bon appétit!"

David Edelstein (New York Magazine)
The title of his review is "Half-Baked"
When actors like these are cooking, it’s better than haute cuisine.
Ephron is an enthusiastic cook, so the film has some foodie texture

NOTE: This isn't even a pun because it doesn't mean anything. What the hell is Foodie texture?(Google is with me.) Maybe he means this literally? I have no idea.

Peter Travers (Rolling Stone)
"Meryl Streep — at her brilliant, beguiling best — is the spice that does the trick for the yummy Julie & Julia"

Joe Morgenstern (Wall Street Journal)
"The Julie segments, though, are pallid by comparison—dollops of margarine that barely hint at butter... The Julie parts keep forcing us to go cold turkey."

Carrie Rickey (Philadelphia Inquirer)
"Meryl Streep is saucy as Julia Child"
"Even if you don't give a shiitake mushroom about food, there's much to savor in this lively comedy with dramatic aftertastes."

Claudia Puig (USA Today)
"Though not an all-out feast, Julie & Julia is spiced with plenty of humor and affection. The experience is well worth relishing."

Christopher Orr (New Republic)
"I left Ephron's film hungry for another helping of Julia Child"

And these are the people that I generally like (well, some of these people.) The key for movie crtics to keep in mind... You don't have to do these awful puns. It's okay to just write like a normal human being.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice: Donte Stallworth Update

2009-08-06T16:06:00.003-04:00

Donte Stallworth, who you may remember from previous "A Sad Lessons," received only 30 days in jail for KILLING A MAN WHILE DRUNK DRIVING and today had a meeting with the NFL commissioner where he read the following statement:

"I recognize that there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held. It is clear that I exercised poor judgment and caused irreparable harm to Mario Reyes, his family, the NFL, its owners, coaches, employees and to my fellow players."

Now there are two separate parts to discuss here:

What tipped Stallworth off that the harm he caused to Mario Reyes was irreparable? Is it that Reyes is dead? Was that it? (It's a shame mad scientists aren't a little closer to solving that.)

I'm sorry... Stallworth recognizes that "there is a difference between the legal standard in my criminal case and the standard to which NFL players are held." WHAT? You see the two systems and you understand and think it is logical that the criminal justice system may let you off but the NFL justice system simply holds these things to higher standards? In what universe do courts let you pay off a fine for killing someone but a sport draws the line?

This universe I guess.

By the way, Donte Stallworth is still on the Cleveland Browns, Michael Vick has not been touched by any team.

This all makes sense.

"I Liked it Better the First Time I Saw it, When it was Called..."

2009-08-06T10:43:00.004-04:00

Paul Giamatti was on The Daily Show last night to promote his new movie Cold Souls. Here is the trailer:

To sum: Paul Giamatti stars as himself - the actor Paul Giamatti, and other people can access his soul.

Without seeing the movie, here are my favorite quotes:

"It's my soul, Schwartz! It's my SOUL!"
Lounge Singer: "Giamatti, Giamatti... Giamatti, Giamatti"
"There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside Paul Giamatti. You see the world through Paul Giamatti's soul... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of The New Jersey Turnpike."
"I think it's kinda sexy that Paul Giamatti has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Giamatti's... feminine side. I like that."

What Did We Give the North Koreans?

2009-08-06T09:55:00.004-04:00

As I am sure you have heard by now, President Clinton traveled to North Korea yesterday to accept upon release two US journalists being held as prisoners:

"Thirty hours ago, Euna Lee and I were prisoners in North Korea," Ms. Ling said in brief remarks to reporters, blinking back tears. "We feared that at any moment we could be prisoners in a hard labor camp. Then suddenly we were told that we were going to a meeting. We were taken to a location and when we walked through the doors, we saw standing before us President Bill Clinton."

Incredible. Breathtaking.

But some people only want to know... What did we give the North Koreans in return? Was it nuclear secrets? Money? Legitimacy? Did we agree to turn a blond eye to illegalities?

Nope. But I have found out.

Without further ado, here is the list of things we gave North Korea in return for Ms. Lee and Ms. Ling:

Mississippi
Lindsay Lohan
Dane Cook
Maxim magazine
Stuff White People Like blog
Rob Riggle
the word "FAIL"
Rick Reilly
Emoticons

and

Paula Abdul

There's a reason she isn't coming back to American Idol.

Kim... I think your nuclear program is really good... I like it... You have a definite persona to you... your glasses are really cool and I love what you have going on with your suit... I think I'd work on your pitch when you sing... but you definitely have a future as a dictator...

How Many Poles Does it take to Turn a Subway into a Strip Club?

2009-08-05T17:31:00.004-04:00

(Hat Tip Fraterus Bloggus Amir for 98% of this.)

One! One that girls can dance on while you eat meat:

He opened "Cousin Vinny's Way," which, according to his flyer, promised $5 foot-long subs, a free fountain drink and "six hours of nonstop, hard-core, live action from some of the most beautiful young ladies who have ever chosen to take their clothes off in public."

And Conan did a "Jared" joke in response in his monologue. (Why did I put quotes around that like it's some sort of variant of joke, like there are knock knock jokes and Jared jokes?) But Fraterus Bloggus Amir and I think we can do better.

Which means it's time for another... Great Punch Line Off 2009! Me vs. Me vs. You. See you in the comments.

It's great. You can get a $5 foot long to go with your 5$ foot long.
It's $5 for a Subway but $50 for a "Rubway."
They also changed their cup sized from small, medium, and large to B, C, and D.
A lot has changed in the store, but he's keeping the slogan.
One piece of advice - Careful when you order the meatballs.
No matter what a stripper tells you, there's no sex in the freezer room.

This is a Blog Post Title

2009-08-03T19:53:00.004-04:00

SNY's Mets broadcast tonight spells it out for us:

Oh, that's what it is. I thought it was a blue bar.

A Word to Terrorists

2009-07-31T15:43:00.008-04:00

In the recently released Bruno, which I have not yet viewed, there is a scene where Sacha Baron Cohen interviews a member of the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade (Their Tag Line: You know we're good; It says "martyrs" right in our name!), a terrorist group. During the interview, Cohen tells the terrorist “Your king Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizard or homeless Santa.” I'd add "hirsuit light pole" just to rub in the fact that he's living in a cave, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, in the most unshocking (we need a word for that... and not just "predictable") development since David Ortiz was caught for steroid use, Tablet Magazine reports that terrorist groups aren't great at poking fun at themselves (although I shouldn't generalize - maybe al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade isn't great at poking fun at themselves, but al Qaeda is a riot):

The Brigades announced in a statement that they were “very upset,” and that, er, “We reserve the right to respond in the way we find suitable against this man.”

Once again... they reserve the right to respond to (read: blow up) Sacha Baron Cohen.

A word to all the terrorists who read this blog, please. Listen, guys, you're the terrorists. You don't need to reserve rights. Firstly, if you needed rights, you'd just take them. Via terrorism. It's what you do. Terrorists don't need to make reservations. If a terrorist wants a table at a restaurant, he doesn't call and ask for a booth in the non-woman section, he just shows up and takes the table of his choosing. You don't like it? He blows you up. This is the whole advantage to terrorism! You just take stuff! You don't need to reserve it.

But even moreso... Just because you reserve the right, doesn't mean you have it. If I reserve the right to sleep with your wife, I still don't get to have sex with her. Why? Because that's not an actual right! I don't have the ability to claim "prima nocta" (not anymore, at least. Damn you Reformation!) Likewise, terrorists, and I hope you are still reading, there is no "right" to murdering someone for making a joke at your expense. That isn't a thing. You can't claim that "right."

Has this been the problem all along? Have terrorists just been going around America, Iraq, Israel, and Afghanistan calling dibs, planting the flag for their little terrorist groups, reserving the right to "respond in the way (they) find suitable?"

Maybe this is all one big miscommunication. Here we were thinking that we were the ones who wanted rights and freedom, and the terrorists were using violence to coerce us into being subservient to them. Meanwhile, they were just exercising the right (which they reserved, mind you) to blow us up when we upset them. So let me clear it up: There is no right to "respond in the way (you) find suitable." Okay? You're not allowed to be doing this whole terrorism thing.

Glad I took care of that. We just needed to clarify it a little. Good talk.

And that should end terrorism.

Maybe It Wasn't Just About Reading the Riders

2009-07-29T10:47:00.003-04:00

Scientists have found that the blue dye found in M&Ms has been linked to reducing spine injuries.

There's a reason you don't see members of Van Halen with scoliosis. Or M&Ms with herniated disks.

It Would Also Be a New Job Description for the Team Doctor

2009-07-28T11:15:00.004-04:00

(hattip, Amicus Bloggus Dan)

Though, I already wrote about this in the Huffington Post, there was one part of the Washington Post's article explaining why the Mystics don't employ a kiss cam (because same-sex kissing is controversial) that deserved its own highlight:

"We wouldn't broadcast on our Jumbotron about abortion issues because of the religious and political conflicts it would cause," said Lindsey Harding, the team's point guard. "It's a similar, sensitive subject. We don't want to put anything out there to turn down certain fans."

So because they don't want to offend "certain fans" (certain wimpy fans, if I may say so), the rest of us lose out on an in-stadium abortion cam?

We need to be entertained during timeouts!

Think of all the other things that we can't scan the crowd for and show on the jumbotron just because of politically correct concerns:

Illegal Immigrant Cam - The Pepsi Party Patrol shoots 1 green card into the stands. Anyone who is here illegally and doesn't catch the green card is deported by Lou Dobbs.
Stem Cell Research Cam - We watch as stem cells take on the characteristics of the cells in the seats around them. The crowd texts in their vote guessing which type of cell it will become.
Tax Cam - As The Beatles' "Tax Man" plays, some of the best seated one percent of the crowd give up their seats to help the poorest seated 75% of the crowd.
Global Warming Cam- The crowd cheers as the Heat-o-meter rises in the stadium. The zanier the crowd the higher on the scale it can go from "Ice Age" to "Global Meltdown"

If we can only have Cams that we all agree on, we're going to lose out on a lot. I hate that smile cam, for example. What are all those people hiding?

Hate Jews? We've Got an App for That

2009-07-27T18:46:00.004-04:00

Tablet Magazine brings word of a new iPhone app for Jews looking for a shul (emphasis mine):

We received word of a new iPhone application that seems absolutely essential for a Jew-on-the-go: it uses your location, which the iPhone captures via GPS, to tell you where the closest synagogues are to you, “from a database of almost 5,000 shuls.” The program, which is produced by Lost Tribe Apps, also lists the synagogues by denomination and size, and even contains many rabbis’ names and contact information.

Um... Isn't this potentially a tragically horrific application in the wrong hands? If you were a militant skinhead/ white supremacist, wouldn't you be downloading this app?

It would go right next to the "Hitlerize Me" icon.

Really, Michael Vick? REALLY?

2009-07-23T13:05:00.005-04:00

I've spent some time on the blog, questioning the legal system re: Michael Vick, but this befuddles me:

Former NFL QB Mike Vick had been in prison for 19 months before being released into federal custody in May. Monday, he was released from federal custody. What was the first thing Vick did? The former Falcons QB went to Atlantis strip club in Virginia Beach, Virginia.

And that story doesn't even mention who the strippers were:

She's just trying to pay her way through obedience school.

It's Time for the Prison System to Shape Up

2009-07-23T11:43:00.003-04:00

I have watched television in my life so I know that, when arrested, I have the right to make one phone call.

But - let's be honest- who calls people anymore? That's so 2000-and-late.

It's time for the prison system to shape up. If I get arrested, I want to be able to make my one email, one text message, or one tweet.

Let's take as an example:
What would be better for the Syrian Rabbis arrested this morning - one measly phone call or a tweet... to god? ("@God Why have you forsaken me? #moneylaundering")

What Happen in Humor Slay Me, Stays in Vegas

2009-07-22T13:40:00.005-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Av)

It's good to have the Rio on board as a HumorSlaysMe reader:

Though, if we try to understand this ad fully... the package is -well- a package, i.e. male genitalia, and it is the package that is being stimulated, so males are getting aroused. As Chippendale's is a club for women... you know what, let's not over think this one.

And because I considered the possibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer a heavier, heavier man that they could identify with... enjoy.

The Kids Are All Wrong

2009-07-22T10:57:00.007-04:00

(hattip Amicus Blogus Josh)

Time Magazine has a list of "Nine Kids food to Avoid." On the list at Number 8 - Sunny D!

Wow, Sunny D is really bad for you, says Time:

Sunny D may contain a full day's supply of vitamin C, as its bottle says, but the tangy orange drink is drowning in sugar — 27 g per glass.

Someone should have told these kids:

After all this time, they should have chose purple stuff.

Now That's Some Nutty Advertising

2009-07-10T16:15:00.008-04:00

On the subway this morning, I saw the most incredible advertisement of my entire life. This is the eye-catching picture on the top of the poster:

Angst, conflict, trouble, pain. Here is a man in a suit, a business man, a respectable man, and he is crying out for help. He is poised, cell phone open. If only he had the courage and the wherewithal to make some monumental decision. But he is stuck. He is torn. He can not decide. What could possible sway his mind? Is there some way in which he could muster the courage to act?

"There Is!" claims the ad:

Peanuts.

Oh.

Wait. WHAT? PEANUTS? PEANUTS?

I've seen some absurd advertisements in my life, but I think "if you eat peanuts, you will have the energy (isn't it more 'gumption' than 'energy' anyway? Do peanuts give you nerve?) to call a girl" is just about the most asinine thing I have ever seen.

It's a simple message - Eat peanuts and be happy or don't eat peanuts and die alone. Sucks to have a nut allergy.

The worst part is that I can just see the sad ad exec, hopped up on a marathon viewing of Mad Men, coming into the office and putting forward his best Don Draper - placing a finished scotch glass on a coaster, taking a drag from his cigarette, and definitively explaining "we're not selling peanuts, we're selling love."

Whatever happened to the good ol' days of old fashioned peanut advertising - when instead of peanuts giving you love, they gave you something much more realistic...
Class.

Matt Drudge Gets to the Stimulus Package Joke Only One Month After TMZ

2009-07-10T14:29:00.004-04:00

And only 5 months after Humor Slays Me (hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus)

Here's the headline on today's Drudge Report:
Even the NY Post had "Baby Got Barack." Drudge could probably have gotten away with "Obama is a Radical Ass-lam," or an Eifel Tower joke for Sarkozy. Heck, we had a few suggestions yesterday in the blog and comments.

And for those keeping score at home (I know that's what most of you do - sit at home and make up a scoring system for this blog so you can then keep score of it), that's two straight posts where world leaders may or may not be checking out the ass of a young woman.

I hope to get back to Hooters girl videos soon.

It's a G8 Summit Punch Line Off!

2009-07-09T17:57:00.003-04:00

This picture happened causing the second HumorSlaysMe punch line-off of 2009. Me vs. Me vs. You. (hattip Daily Intel)

Good to see them practicing a little backdoor diplomacy.
Apparently the G in G-8 Summit stands for G string.
She's a member of the Ass-ociated press.
Barack Obama bows for Saudi kings but not for that?
Good to see that some of Bill Clinton's policies weren't uprooted over the last 8 years.
MidEast peace is still on the agenda, but first they're gonna get themselves a piece of that ass.
Berlusconi later asked her "What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?"

Ultimately, it's good to know that our leaders pracitce diplomacy the same way Astronaut Jones does:

I'll see you in the comments.

Quitters Never Prosper?

2009-07-09T15:33:00.006-04:00

I have mostly stayed away from Sarah Palin's resignation (aside from comparing her to a horror movie villain, but what was I supposed to do? Not compare her to a horror movie villain? No. I didn't think so), but Andrew Sullivan links to a thought, that I must in full candor admit- I had not thought of on my own. In all honesty, I probably would not have:

In 1754, Lt. Col. George Washington quit the Virginia militia, an obscure fact that now seems a bit more interesting in the wake of Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation in Alaska.

That does seem more interesting.

This whole George Washington/ Sarah Palin thing is even more eerie when you consider all the similarities:

Neither were members of the liberal elite or mainstream media
They were both pretty mavericky (King George thought George Washington went rogue)
Both had Tea Parties go on under their watch
Both had nice hair
Both had children named Trig
Neither ever told a lie

In fact, the fact that both George Washington and Sarah Palin both quit has made me rethink a lot about quitting, too. I mean, isn't it good to quit smoking or drinking or drugs? Yes, it is. What if Michael Jordan had never quit baseball? That would have been bad. Jack Twist wishes he knew how to quit (you.) So, think about that.

Of course, it is slightly more complicated that that. Palin herself said:

"I am not a quitter. I am a fighter."

So if Washington was a quitter, how can we possibly compare non-quitter Sarah Palin to him?

Although when you think about it, General George Washington was also a fighter, so don't worry- George Washington and Sarah Palin are still pretty much the same person.

Why You Should Churn By Waterfall

2009-07-09T10:24:00.005-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus)

A sad story out of my home state:

An employee at a New Jersey chocolate processing plant died Wednesday after falling into a vat of hot chocolate, according to a spokesman for the Camden County Prosecutor's office.

I was told specifically not to be alarmed, that he wouldn't be harmed. Sure he might be altered a bit, maybe turn into a luscious bit of fudge.... but not this. Goddamn Oompa Loompas.

They'll probably get away with it too. It's so hard to pick one out of a lineup.

"Pleasant Hooters!"

2009-07-08T17:19:00.004-04:00

Sometimes, other people do the joke for you. Take this clip of a morning show segment starring a Hooters girl from WGN Morning News. They deliver their own punchline.

:01 - :28 = This is the part of the video where the waitress demonstrates how she helps her customers visualize her having sex. Amazingly, this is the setup for the joke.
:29 = This is the punchline. Delivered for me. Enjoy.

The Structure of Porn is Collapsing on Samson

2009-07-08T16:36:00.005-04:00

A front page article on the cover of today's New York Times highlights the ways in which technology is affecting the production of porn movies. Apparently, the little dialogue that was actually spoken in those movies is being increasingly replaced with - sex. And one starlet, Savanna Samson (whose sexual strength- I'd like to believe- comes from her pubic hair), is none too happy about it:

Savanna Samson once relished preparing for a role. “I couldn’t wait to get my next script... I used to have dialogue.”

Then comes the money quote:

“Getting it on in one hardcore scene after another just isn’t as much fun."

Which makes me think that Savanna Samson may just be in the wrong profession.

Best of all is the photo the New York Times includes with the story:
Can't you just sense the existential angst this poor woman is going through? She used to be a porn actress and now, now - it's like people only care about how well she can have sex on camera. It's tragic, really.

Addendum- One Amicus Bloggus, "Ryan," is severely affected by this development and it needs to be mentioned here.

Ryan likes watching porn, but he only likes the dialogue and the setup. He, like Savanna Samson- I guess, doesn't like the porn part of porn. Why would someone bother watching porn only for the setup, you ask. Simple. Here is Ryan's logic:

I could never realistically end up in any of the porn situations in porn, but the setup to the sex, the dialogue- that's something that could happen to me.

Ryan's lack of both confidence and voyeurism aside, the porn industry's move away from dialogue and toward more sex is leaving Ryan, and all the other sex-situations-without-sex pervs, out in the cold.

Sarah Palin and Queen Esther- Both Beauty Contest Winners

2009-07-08T12:22:00.008-04:00

Though I think the talent that Queen Esther had to perform was a different sort of flute playing than Sarah Palin's.

On The Plank, Jonathan Chait asks an interesting question today:

One of the most alarming things about Katherine Harris--remember her?--was her persistent fantasy that she was a modern-day Queen Esther, dramatically proclaiming, "If I perish, I perish." Now Sarah Palin is saying, "If I die, I die." Is she also indulging the Queen Esther fantasy?

Now, we'll leave aside that Chait missed the more obvious fantasy she is indulging, and just say that if she is indulging her Queen Esther fantasy... well, Orphan said it best:

I'd Watch ViewMaster... of the Universe. Maybe.

2009-07-07T17:09:00.006-04:00

Dreamworks is making a movie based off of the old ViewMaster toys. Seriously.

You may remember ViewMasters as well as I do, but for our younger readers, let me explain what ViewMaster was. I hope our older readers will enjoy the memory lane stroll.

ViewMaster was a crude plastic toy that you could look into and into which you put a white wheel with slides (slides are hard copies of pictures that you can project onto the wall.) Then you turned the wheel with a plastic switch and viewed the images one after the other. Often, these images in succession, would tell a story. Other times, they would not. they'd just be a bunch of related pictures.

These ViewMasters had many limitations, such as:

A very limited amount of pictures (I think it was 12) were available for viewing.
It was just a bunch of pictures. It had no sounds or music or moving images or anything that helps tell stories.
You could accidentally load the slide at the wrong place, thereby ruining any surprises in the story. (One saving grace, you only had 12 pictures, so the stories weren't interesting enough to be "ruined.")
If you put it in facing the wrong way, the pictures appeared backwards. This was confusing.
If the wheel got bent, you couldn't put it in the ViewMaster. And you couldn't really just View these pictures, sans Master.
You looked like a doofus while using them. (Think RecSpecs + What people thought virtual reality glasses would look like)

So why did we use them? One reason only. And I think this reason is the most perplexing thing about this movie... We used them because - they were the best we had. It was ViewMasters or books. Those were the story telling toys we were privy to. It was the best we had if we weren't watching TV.

But you know what's better than ViewMasters? Everything in the world that exists now. Ipods fix all the problems we once had with ViewMasters. (Yeah, I'm going to leave the idea of Ipods as a modern ViewMaster out there.) Digital cameras do more than ViewMasters!

So they are making a movie about a crude device that was replaced by portable movie players. I wonder if it will be played only on AM radio.

Palin's Speeches Remain Unclear, But Her References Are Awfully Specific

2009-07-07T12:26:00.005-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for the catch)

The quote from this morning's NY Post:
Apparently, she can see Ivan Drago from her house.

Couldn't you just see Palin explaining herself at her next news conference by saying "I fight to win! I fight for me! For Me!"

And, of course, the requisite Ivan Drago tribute:

T minus 6 hours till someone has the Drago/Palin mashup online. I think that's how this whole saga ends. I think Sarah Palin goes the Drago route and helps to end the Cold War.

What's the Internet Like, Ron?

2009-07-02T18:08:00.007-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus AB for showing me the site)

There's a cute site called What Does The Internet Think that claims to give you a big picture outlook as to what the internet thinks on a topic of your choosing. Is it a good representation of the internet? Two simple searches have confirmed for me that it 100% understands not only how the internet thinks, but how the internet approaches the world. (You can click on the pictures below to see a larger view)

Search #1 - Hitler

Search #2 - LOL Cats

98.8% of the internet doesn't care about Hitler. That seems correct. Unless an AwkwardHitlers.com starts up, it's probably destined to stay that way.

On the other hand, 100% of the internet has an opinion on LOL cats. In other words, there is no one who uses the internet and is neutral about LOL cats. The vast majority of it is positive, of course. This is because of how funny LOL Cats truly are.

I think this site has explained the internet better than I ever could.

It's Past the Time to Ask: What is with all the Rain?

2009-07-02T17:43:00.004-04:00

Is there a butterfly convention in China that I don't know about?

(If there was a butterfly convention in China, why do I think I would know about it? Fair point, other voice in my head.)

Rappers Tea Light

2009-07-02T13:20:00.005-04:00

I'm sorry, Ms. Goldberg, this is for real.

Jonathan Gutstadt is laid back, sippin' on chivas and juice. He is the latest in a string of jewish hip hop artists. But for him, it's not all about the binyamins. It's about religion. Because Jonathan:

is merging traditional Shabbat prayers with hip-hop in an effort to connect the contemporary generation with centuries-old prayers... The "prayerformace," aptly dubbed by Hip-Hop Shabbat is a modernized version of the Shabbat service, which combines the traditional Friday night prayers with rapping and dancing, backed up by pre-recorded hip-hop, reggae, electronica and dub beats... [including] spin-offs of traditional Friday night liturgy such as "Shalom Aleichem," and Jewish songs like "Oseh Shalom."

It's all fun and games until Hip-Hop Shabbat and Matisyahu start an East Bank-West Bank battle.

It needs to be asked - How pissed off is Etan G right now? He was way ahead of the Jewish hip hop trend. Unless, of course, this is just shmutz off his shoulder.

Uy.

At Least the Celebration Didn't Involve a Macaulay Culkin Look-alike?

2009-07-02T12:32:00.006-04:00

There have been plenty of Michael Jackson tributes since his death one week ago. The BET Awards became a tribute to him. The Game dedicated a song to him. Best Week Ever even brought us the single best and single worst tribute.

Worst tribute, that is, until last night. In a football game last night, the Canadian Football League's Arland Bruce did just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard (emphasis gleefully mine):

Following a TD pass from Kerry Joseph that put Toronto ahead 6-0, Bruce removed his helmet, shoulder pads and uniform top and laid down in the end zone. Bruce said he was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson by pretending to be buried.

Once again - He was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson... by pretending to be dead. Apparently, that's how he'd like to remember Michael.

The best part of this is that a typical outlandish touchdown celebration is... to do a dance. What's one of the main things Michael Jackson was famous for? Dancing. Arland Bruce added 1+1 and came up with -1,700.

I am willing to bet that he can't do a moonwalk, so he decided to come up with the next best thing. I will agree that lying there motionless is a hell of an easier dance step.

[UPDATE - hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for finding the video]

Who Said Disco is Dead?

2009-07-02T11:00:00.006-04:00

Christopher Bader collapsed while walking in the woods with his wife, Debra. Debra saved his life. How? The CNN headline tells the story:

Disco tune saves man's life

I had assumed from the headline that the tune itself had done the life saving. Not so. But it still is pretty remarkable:

"I looked at him and said, 'He's dead,' because he wasn't moving or making any sounds at all," Bader remembers. "But I pulled the cell phone out of his pocket and called 911, and then a public service announcement I'd heard on the radio popped into my head."

The one-minute PSA from the American Heart Association instructed listeners, in the event of cardiac arrest, to perform chest compressions very hard to the beat of the 1970s Bee Gees song "Staying Alive." When someone suffers cardiac arrest, as pop singer Michael Jackson did last week, the heart stops functioning completely, and brain death begins within four to six minutes if the victim doesn't receive help.

"I sang the song and gave directions to the EMTs at the same time. It was like, 'Stayin' alive, stayin' alive -- take a right here, take a left here -- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive -- take this path down here -- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive,' " Bader remembers.

So the song "Staying Alive" actually helps people stay alive. That's incredible. Is this something that disco music can do? Can listening to disco music work like the cryogenic freezing period for criminals in "Demolition Man," where at the end of it you just have all these new skills you didn't know about?

Was Anita Ward's hit simply instructions to farm owners who needed to call their family for meal time? Has Bear Grylls just listened to more Gloria Gaynor than the rest of us? And how have the Village People not caused "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to topple?

But disco is dead in America and we no longer gain valuable life living and life saving skills from pop music. No wonder our life expectancy is so much lower than Europeans.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 4

2009-07-01T11:41:00.004-04:00

(hattip The Big Lead)

previously on Humor Slays Me... Michael Vick gets two years in jail for killing dogs. Donte Stallworth goes for ONE MONTH for drunkenly killing a person. And someone gets THREE YEARS in prison for stealing Lance Armstrong's bicycle. Now, on a very special "Sad Lesson in American Justice" -

Just Say No to Drugs.

Unless you are Donte Stallworth. Then, apparently, you can do whatever you want (emphasis mine):

After fatally striking a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in a March drunk driving accident, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth also tested positive for marijuana use, law enforcement sources say.

Donte Stallworth was high and drunk when he fatally hit someone with his motor vehicle. Can anyone explain to me how he only goes to jail for a month?

Why is the scale of crimes in this country killing a person then killing dogs then stealing a bicycle?

What if I was to Give you Nothing? Is that Something you Might be Interested in?

2009-07-01T10:07:00.004-04:00

The concert organizers for Michael Jackson's canceled (for reasons of death) world tour are in a pickle. They will make no money on the actual concerts (see death parentheses above). Yet, they have spent boats of money on promotion. But- what can you do? You got hosed. I guess you just have to refund the money, right? (emphasis mine)

Michael Jackson fans who purchased tickets for his final concerts will receive a full refund or, if they chose, a commemorative ticket, the concert promoter said Tuesday... Fans who decide they would rather have a souvenir will receive a ticket conceived by Jackson. There are eight designs that include holographic images of the entertainer on the front.

By the way, the full refund or, if they choose, the cost of the commemorative ticket starts at $105. But I could see a situation where if you are a lifelong die hard Michael Jackson fan, you would want some sort of ticket as memorabilia. You want a keepsake, albeit a very expensive one. Then I saw the picture alongside the CNN article:

The fans already have regular concert tickets. So here is the choice, essentially:

Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get back $105
Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get another, much more expensive concert ticket to show to friends

You already have the keepsake they are offering you for 105 dollars. You can have your money back... or nothing. Nothing at all. That's the choice here.

This is outrageous! How do the concert promoters explain themselves here?

"Since he loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death."

But if you're screwing fans over, and your treatment is akin to how he treated his fans, then... ipso facto... by that logic... carry the 7...

Shameful.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 3

2009-06-29T17:53:00.004-04:00

Courtesy of Aurea Medicoritas (who should probably be an Amicus Bloggus just based on the site's Latin-origin name:
The TI-80 calculators probably have a way to convert this into both Bernie Madoff years and Donte Stallworth years.

Maybe You Can Make the Transition from Porn to Mainstream

2009-06-29T16:58:00.005-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Ami)

Much is often made about starlets' desires to start in porn but transition into the mainstream. The much that is made usually consists of how impossible it is to do that and how foolish it is to think you can do it.

But there is hope for all the porn stars perusing this blog, for you see - someone actually did make the transition. Who?

Transformers purveyor, Michael Bay. Take a look at his directorial career:

His first job was directing a Playboy centerfold video! That explains so much about how he shoots Megan Fox in the "Transformers" movies.

I guess I mostly wonder - how did he get to direct "Bad Boys" in the first place?

I'd like to think he saw the name "Bad Boys" and figured this was one more porn project right up his alley. Then he again made a similar semantic mistake with "The Rock." If the world worked like my head wanted it to, that's what would have happened.

Ultimately, this all just makes me want to watch Transporners. More than meets the eye, indeed.

Now Michael Jackson's Doctor is Missing?

2009-06-26T10:48:00.002-04:00

So reports TMZ, whose coverage of this whole story has been stellar (emphasis mine):

We've learned law enforcement is looking for a doctor who lived at Michael Jackson's home -- and the doctor is nowhere to be found. Law enforcement sources tell us a BMW belonging to the doctor was towed from Jackson's home last night. Cops are looking to interview the doc. A law enforcement source says the doctor gave Jackson an injection before he died. Jackson reportedly may have OD'd on Demerol.

Why isn't the Doctor's family saying he is hiking on the Appalachian Trail?

My RSS Feed Predicts What Will Happen to Farrah Fawcett Legacy Coverage

2009-06-25T18:17:00.004-04:00

Now that Michael Jackson has died.

R.I.P. to both of them, but the second headline is probably true. Now that Michael Jackson has died, only friends and loved ones will be talking about Farrah Fawcett.

Some Suns Fan at ESPN is Really Upset About Shaq

2009-06-25T14:00:00.006-04:00

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Better EB)

ESPN.com has this chart in their article about Shaq's trade to the Cleveland Cavaliers:
The season may not have gone perfectly, but if a 46-36 record is "an abomination," I'm glad ESPN.com charts aren't describing the New York Knicks.

TMZ is Ahead of Dick Polman by Two Weeks

2009-06-25T01:08:00.006-04:00

(hattip to Amicus Bloggus, Kraut)

Dick Polman, political pundit, took the Mark Sanford opportunity to come up with a joke that was timely 4 months ago. In those 4 months, he seems not to have constructed the line beyond its most basic formulation. This is Polman's closing line on Governor Sanford:

Turned out he was working on his own stimulus package.

At least he could have played off Sanford's attempted refusal of the bailout money. Something like "I guess we now know why Sanford was refusing the stimulus package... he had his own on the side."

Lastly, and this is key, when your name is indistinguishable from a made up porn name - you really want to be wary about making penis jokes. Okay, Dick Polman?

The Truth is He Did Leave U.S.

2009-06-24T18:01:00.005-04:00

By now, you have undoubtedly heard about the weird travails of Governor Mark Sanford. There is one weird peculiarity that is piquing (thanks S.) my interest (emphasis mine):

He told reporters he spent "the last five days of my life crying in Argentina" and the affair is now over. Sanford, a rumored 2012 presidential candidate, refused to say whether he'll leave office.

Uh, is it just me or is this reminding anyone else of "Dick Tracy?"

Spearfish, South Dakota Has Lost Their Marbles

2009-06-24T02:03:00.006-04:00

(maximum hattip to amicus bloggus, BiMus)

The town of Spearfish, South Dakota has selected a city councilman by picking a marble out of a bag.

Seriously.

The race for city council between David Baker and Shawn Dardis ended in a 126-126 tie, so they did the only logical thing - they picked a marbles out of a bag. Incredibly, picking a marble out of a bag was not simply the only logical thing to do, but it was the only legal thing to do as well (emphasis mine):

Spearfish did not have an ordinance that stated what to do in the event of a tied election; nothing on the books called for a runoff. So, officials looked to state law, which says candidates must play a game of chance to determine a winner.

Again, picking a marble was demanded by South Dakotan law. This can not be stated enough. Okay, so you are forced to pick a marble, just pick one. Right? Not in Spearfish. They are nowhere near that arbitrary (emphasis mine. again):

Baker and Dardis each rolled a die before a group of supporters at a special city council meeting Tuesday night. The winner of the highest roll would then decide whether they would pick first from a purple Crown Royal bag containing two marbles -- one black, one white. The candidate with the white marble would clinch the seat.

Just to restate for clarity - Two people running for public office in Spearfish, South Dakota rolled a die to choose a marble to see who would win an election.

Unstated in the article was the game of "rock, paper, scissors" they played to choose odds or evens to see who got to call heads or tails to see who got to roll the die first. HumorSlaysMe has received an exclusive image of the election process:

Asked for comment, Rube Goldberg said the election went as smoothly and simply as possible.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 2

2009-06-23T14:59:00.005-04:00

The Big Lead and I are on the same page about the American legal system:

One of the two clowns who stole Lance Armstrong’s bike is getting three years in prison for second-degree burglary and grand theft. This is the moment where you refer to Donte Stallworth getting 30 days in the slammer.

To review:

Be a famous person and kill someone while driving drunk > 30 days in jail.
Be a regular person and steal a bicycle from a famous person > 3 years in jail.

I guess the bike robbers didn't "accept full responsibility for his actions."

That's fucked up.

Wasn't the Holocaust Enough?

2009-06-23T13:02:00.002-04:00

Must we also endure this?

Britney Spears could be set to follow her successful Circus tour with a role in a new film, according to reports. The 27-year-old star is still touring the world with her Circus tour, and it is claimed a script for a film called The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton has been handed to Britney to look at. If she accepts the role, Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp.

(What was the pitch meeting on this one? It's Back to the Future meets The Boy in the Striped Pajamas! Brilliant!)

I will lay off the Holocaust side of this because I tend to think all Hollywood movies about the Holocaust are underhandedly exploitative. Though it is so much worse when you're fusing it with science-fiction for no reason at all. Instead, I will ask one simple question about the premise here:

If you had actually had access to a time machine and could travel to any point in history, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CHOOSE THE HOLOCAUST?

On the Same Page as AMNY. A Good Thing? A Thing.

2009-06-23T12:21:00.004-04:00

(serious hattip amicus bloggus Reiss-face)

AM New York, a free newspaper distributed at subway entrances and busy New York streets has joined our Punch Line Off:

Already did the insertion. With plenty of more suggestions - here.

Daniel Murphy Has Been Working On His Hitting

2009-06-22T17:15:00.004-04:00

But his use of rhetorical devices still needs sharpening, specifically when formulating an antimetabole .

Here is Daniel Murphy, Mets first baseman, as quoted by the New York Times and in turn by Metsblog. They refer to his words as "chicken and the egg" and "Catch 22" respectively. But his words aren't that at all, and the New York Times somehow misses that. Here is what Murphy had to say:

“You have to have confidence to hit, but to get hits, you have to be confident.”

Murphy's quote is not a catch 22 or chicken and the egg question at all but simply a repitition that looks deep because the clauses are inversted in the sentence's second half. If placed in the same order, here are both parts of Daniel Murphy's sentence:

You have to have Confidence to hit.
You have to be confident to get hits.

Unquoted, though I am sure mentioned by Murphy, is that you also have to swing confidently to hit the ball. And be a confidant to a hit.

I love the Mets, and I like Daniel Murphy, but this is just another example of a player lacking fundamentals. When the Mets aren't running out balls, they are screwing up antimetabole usage. It's always something with this team.

post script-
What Murphy meant to say say was probably:

“You have to have confidence to hit, but you have to have hits to be confident.”

And that's quite the Catch 22.

Perez Hilton Tweets That He Was Assaulted by Will.I.Am

2009-06-22T10:56:00.004-04:00

Seriously.

And thus caused the Great HumorSlaysMe punch line-off of 2009. Me vs. Me vs. You.

I'll see you in the comments.

Perez Hilton was allegedly assaulted by the Black Eyed Peas' Will.I.Am last night...

And it was bad. Apparently, Will gave him a boom boom pow.
Perez Hilton says that his face is in such bad shape, people are mistaking him for Fergie.
He left him some lovely little lumps in the back and in the front.
I'm upset about this. It's got me questioning, where is the love?
I guess they don't call them the black eyed peas for nothing.
If they've said it once, they've said it a thousand times: Don't Phunk with them.

What I Don't Get About the Toll House Cookie Dough Recall and What The Onion Needs to do About it

2009-06-19T16:57:00.004-04:00

(hattip amicus bloggus Danny)

Recalls happen a lot. Let's just take the first five recalled products from June 2009 (since it is the current month and all) as an example. Here is the list from the Consumer Product Safety Division:

SmartSpark Energy Systems Recalls Battery Equalizers Due to Fire Hazard
Body Boards Recalled by JGR Copa Due to Violation of Lead Paint Standard
Children’s Necklace and Bracelet Sets Recalled by D&D Distributing-Wholesale Due To Choking Hazard
Macy’s Recalls Children’s Hooded Sweatshirts Due to Strangulation Hazard
Campbell Hausfeld Recalls Air Compressors Due to Fire Hazard

In each of these examples, the company that designed the product did something mistaken or negligent to cause the product to be faulty and dangerous. That is why they have to recall the products. The company made a mistake.

Not so with Toll House who is recalling their cookie dough because some people have gotten E. coli poisoning from eating it raw. In other words, Toll House didn't really do anything negligent to make their product dangerous (if you cook it, it's fine to eat), but people are using it incorrectly, by eating it raw.

Well, you argue, they should recall the packages to tell you not to eat it raw then. Right?

The Toll House products do have warnings on their packaging about the dangers of raw dough.

Oh. Well then.

I expect The Onion to run a "God Recalls Human Beings Due to Raw Cookie Dough Eating Malfunction" immediately. It really is the only sane course of action here.

What is Pizza Hut Going to do Now that Pizza is too Expensive and Everyone Wants to Eat Healthy?

2009-06-19T15:40:00.005-04:00

(hattip BWE blog)

The answer. From their marketing division. Go the way of Blockbuster "Media":

Oh! You're thinking of Pizza Hut. No, they had a defunct business model and don't exist anymore. We're The Hut. No relation.

Common mistake. Don't worry about it. No apology necessary.

The Secret Service Allows Obama to Carry His Blockberry

2009-06-19T14:50:00.005-04:00

Engadget links to this great ad:This is just to show how far this country has come - Obama used to not wear a flag pin. Now he wears one to sell Blockberries.

My hope is that a Republican congressman sees this and twitters "Celebrity Obama has time to sell phones. gvrnmnt run phones = socialism."

With 68 characters to spare.

That's One Crazy Game of Pepsi-Coke

2009-06-18T14:11:00.004-04:00

A Bat Mitzvah at the Lockwood-Mathews Mansion Museum in Connecticut was broken up by police Saturday night because guests "tore out ceiling tiles and a light fixture in the 141-year-old, 62-room mansion" and "several boys and girls engaging in oral sex in the bathrooms."

But Sheryl Finnie Baker, the mother of the bat mitzvah girl, said the reports are "blown way out of proportion." She says that the party was not out of control and that there was no inappropriate activity in the bathrooom

"These kids are not the type to do oral sex," Baker said.

Not the type "to do" oral sex? Are they throwing bat mitzvahs for non-human kids again?

I think we should also note that she didn't deny that the kids are the type to tear out ceiling tiles and light fixtures.

You Can't Spell Dictator Without "Dick"

2009-06-18T10:43:00.007-04:00

Let he who has not been duped by a guy into carrying on an online affair under the pretense that he was actually a she cast the first stone.

Hold on while I gather some rocks to throw at Antonio Castro, Fidel Castro's son (yup, actual image. I guess Communism hasn't been bad for everyone, Ladies.)

because that's exactly what happened to him:

Luis Dominguez, a 46-year-old Cuban activist from Miami, said that posing as "Claudia Valencia," a 20-something brunette beauty from Cartagena, Colombia, he engaged in an online flirtation with Antonio "Tony" Castro Soto del Valle.

Okay. Castro got taken by an activist. It happens. I guess. But there is one part that really throws me for a loop:

"Claudia" and Castro exchanged e-mails, Internet chats, and at one point even used streaming live Web video to communicate.

Now I can see how you'd be fooled over email or chat, heck, even over the phone. But when Castro started streaming live web video with "Claudia," and "she" looked like - well- a 46 year old Cuban man, that doesn't tip you off?

And what about Luis Dominguez? Where is the activism here? Isn't this just shtick? But shtick where you suspect he sort of liked it also? If we can call posing online as a hot woman "activism," the van owning segment of the population just got a lot more politically savvy.

Apropos of Nothing at All

2009-06-17T12:38:00.001-04:00

Feral Children are raised by wolves.

Ferrell children are raised by Wills.

A Sad Lesson in American Justice

2009-06-16T13:12:00.006-04:00

Two crimes and two punishments. Both NFL Players. You tell me which punishment more closely fits which crime.

CRIME #1 - Conspiracy to Travel in Interstate Commerce in Aid of Unlawful Activities and to Sponsor a Dog in an Animal Fighting Venture
CRIME #2 - Manslaughter while driving under the influence of alcohol

PUNISHMENT A - 30 days in jail, two years of house arrest, eight years probation, pay $10,000 in fines and perform 1,000 hours of community service.
PUNISHMENT B- A maximum of 5 years in prison, a fine of $250,000 and 3 years of supervised release

CRIME #1 was committed by Michael Vick. He received punishment B. His maximum jail time was 1,825 days

CRIME #2 was committed by Donte Stallworth. He received punishment A. His maximum jail time is 30 days.

I am not trying to downplay what Vick did in any way, but how the hell do you get less jail time for KILLING A PERSON WHILE DRIVING DRUNK than you do for killing dogs? It's terrible to kill dogs, of course, but how do we live in a country where killing an animal gets a more severe punishment than killing a person?

And I am afraid that the answer to that question is really going to piss me off. Now I am wondering, what is the punishment for? Take a look at these two quips from each news story (emphasis mine).

Vick's:

... received a harsher sentence than the others in the federal conspiracy case because of "less than truthful" statements about killing pit bulls. Vick said he accepted responsibility for his actions, but U.S. District Judge Henry E. Hudson said he wasn't so sure. "I'm not convinced you've fully accepted responsibility," Hudson told Vick.

Stallworth's:

Lyons said Stallworth had accepted full responsibility for his actions. "He acted like a man, he reported it immediately to the police through 911, he remained at the scene, he co-operated fully with the Miami Beach Police Department," Lyons said.

What the fuck are we punishing people for? Whether or not they are sorry? Is this kindergarten? Do we take defendants over to the people they harmed and ask them to 'tell them you're sorry?'

"I know I committed genocide, but I am truly sorry for that."
"I take full responsibility for the rape and murder. That one's on me."

I am confused about the criminal system. Why are we doling out punishment based on people's contrition in the face of their crimes rather than the actual crimes themselves?

I Figured Out Where the Suns Went Wrong

2009-06-15T16:27:00.004-04:00

And the answer came straight to me, vis RSS feed:

It's a good approach - getting "basketball value" in trades. It's so good in fact, that the average fan probably would have thought to do this all along. And that's the difference between fans and General Managers. General Managers are smart enough to figure this stuff out.

So to all the opposing teams who were offering the snacks their mom gave them, their place in line, baseball cards, or letting the Suns "be your best friend" for Shaq, well-they can just forget it. They're taking basketball value only now.

He Will Be Featured Right After the Lakers Win for "Best Basketball Team"

2009-06-15T16:02:00.002-04:00

Big News at ESPN:

Former South African president Nelson Mandela will be honored with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the 2009 ESPYS on July 19.

Finally, Nelson Mandela can feel he led a life worth living.

"Yes" Was My Answer

2009-06-12T11:39:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, I sat with a friend in a restaurant, in front of each of was this (or so):
It was at that moment that the guy next to me turned to me and quizzically asked:

"Is that a burger?"

Seriously, this happened. My life became a "Snappy answers to stupid questions" Mad magazine feature.

Why would someone ask this question? Some suggestions:

He is suffering from meat focused Alzheimer's disease.
New York City is much more different from the rest of the country than I realize. Where he is from they're called "Liebermans."
He was referring to the fries and I should have said "no."

If you have other possibilities, comments them.

Kennedy's Teacher: "What were you doing with him?" Kennedy: "Sorry, that's classified."

2009-06-12T10:43:00.003-04:00

In stuff-I-wish-would-have-happened-to-me news:

John Corpus of Green Bay, stood to ask Obama about health care during the president's town hall-style meeting at Southwest High School on Thursday. He told Obama that his daughter was missing school to attend the event and that he hoped she didn't get in trouble. "Do you need me to write a note?" Obama asked. The crowd laughed.

But Obama, in just about the coolest thing I've ever heard, went for it:

And all I can think about is how many of my teachers still would not have accepted it.

Addendum- My favorite note to teacher story has to be mentioned here.

My brother, Amir, once came late to class complaining of a stomach problem. The teacher would not let him in. "Go get a note" said said teacher. Amir replied logically "my stomach was hurting me, I was in the bathroom, but I would like to come into class now." "Go get a note," the teacher dogmatically demanded." "From who?" bellowed Amir. It was then that he went to the bathroom, ripped off a square of toilet paper, jotted something on it and handed to the teacher -

Amir was with me.

Signed,
Toilet

Just Because You Can Take Offense, Doesn't Mean You Should

2009-06-11T12:24:00.006-04:00

David Letterman made a joke last the other night that went like this:

Funny? Maybe. His studio audience thought so. I personally don't find it hilarious. But I don't find it beyond-the-pale-offensive. Who does? Sarah Palin:

"Laughter incited by sexually perverted comments made by a 62-year-old male celebrity aimed at a 14-year-old girl is not only disgusting, but it reminds us some Hollywood/N.Y. entertainers have a long way to go in understanding what the rest of America understands -- that acceptance of inappropriate sexual comments about an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter, contributes to the atrociously high rate of sexual exploitation of minors by older men who use and abuse others."

And Todd Palin:

"Any ‘jokes’ about raping my 14-year-old are despicable. Alaskans know it, and I believe the rest of the world knows it, too."

Ugh. Can I say "Ugh?" I could explain the joke, I could try and decipher the second half of Governor Palin's response, I could point out my favorite part of the Governor's statement ("an underage girl, who could be anyone's daughter" - Uh, does Todd know that?), but I won't. I'll just repeat my headline and mention that this connects to yesterday's post about Israel and Obama.

Just Because You Can Take Offense to Something, Doesn't Mean You Should Take Offense to it.

Also I love the actual Fox News article that summarizes the events:

the late-night talk-show host invited the governor to appear on "The Late Show" after stopping short of apologizing for "jokes" he had made about her and her family the night before, including one that referred to her daughter being "knocked up" by New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez.

The news article calls them "jokes" in quotes, implying that they were in no way jokes and that only a liberal media elite "Hollywood/N.Y. entertainer" could spin them to be jokes. Fox News is so offended on Palin's behalf that it can't even refer to something uttered in David Letterman's monologue, the place in his show where he tells jokes, as a joke.

By the way, Letterman responded in the video here, in perfect Letterman style, doing it only the way he can. To sum:

"Am I guilty of poor taste? Yes. Did I suggest that it was okay for her 14-year-old daughter to be having promiscuous sex? No."

My main point: Shame on you David Letterman, for raping Willow Palin.

Well, If Obama is Insulting Israel, You Have to Respect His Subtlety

2009-06-10T12:37:00.003-04:00

According to the CBS News World Wide Blog:

Israeli TV newscasters Tuesday night interpreted a photo taken Monday in the Oval Office of President Obama talking on the phone with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu as an "insult" to Israel.

What is this scandalous photo in which the president is so obviously slighting Israel? Well, it's this one:

How dare he sit like that while... showing his wrist watch? Wearing a tie? Pretending to give a purple nurple with his right hand? Okay... I have no idea.

Apparently what is driving the Israeli newscasters interpretation is:

They saw the incident as somewhat akin to an incident last year, when the Iraqi reporter threw a shoe at President Bush in Baghdad. It is considered an insult in the Arab world to show the sole of your shoe to someone. It is not a Jewish custom necessarily, but Israel feels enough a part of the Middle East after 60 years to be insulted too.

That another person throwing a shoe at the US president is exactly the same as a US president getting photographed from an angle that displays the bottom of his shoe to the camera lens - while at the same time talking to the Israeli Prime Minister - is obvious. Those are completely equivalent. There is no way to argue those facts. It would be like arguing about gravity, the existence of snakes, or that fedora is a funny word. That's all reality. And it's nonsense to take a contrary position.

What confuses me though is the next part: "It is not a Jewish custom necessarily, but Israel feels enough a part of the Middle East after 60 years to be insulted too." And I am confused in two ways -

It's not that it's not a Jewish custom necessarily, it's not a Jewish custom definitively. In any possible way.
"Israel feels enough... to be insulted." Is that the barometer for when to be insulted? "Well, it's within the realm of possibility to offer an interpretation of your words that I would find insulting, so... HOW DARE YOU!?" Why would that be the litmus test? I know some Jews don't use razors, but I didn't know that extended to Occam's Razor.

The only thing that comes to mind in regard to shoes and Jewish tradition is the commandment of chalitzah, which is a ceremony in which a widow unties the shoe of her brother-in-law (and spits in front of him) in order to absolve him of his requirement to perform levirate marriages.

Well, if Obama is saying he doesn't want to marry Israel... Sir, I am insulted!

TMZ Goes With My Stimulus Package Joke

2009-06-10T10:12:00.006-04:00

On the one hand, it's nice to see it get some use. On the other hand... it's TMZ - who ran this headline:

George H.W. Bush -- Private Stimulus Package

Over this picture:
But the best part of the whole story (Aside from the best attempted performance of "The Tap Combination" by an "A Chorus Line" dancer ever) is the poll at TMZ that runs along the post:
... and the guy who got a blow job in the oval office while talking to a congressman is only up 79% to 21%. Kind of makes you wonder what Clinton needed to actually do to get up to 100%.

David Ortiz Is Going to Check His Eyes

2009-06-08T14:21:00.007-04:00

Unless he left his steroids somehow under his eyelids, I don't see how this will help:

"I've been thinking about getting my eyes checked -- for real," Ortiz told The Associated Press. "My vision has always been 20-20, and I'm not feeling anything crazy, but I'm going to get it checked out... We get our eyes checked every year... I'm 20-20. Go and check it out. It's not anything big. I will, though. I seriously will."

It's not that crazy though. I am sure many of you remember the case of Ricky Vaughn, whose eyesight affected his performance:

Vaughn , and the Indians, were much better after he got glasses.

So could it happen for the Red Sox? Sure. But I would recommend following the rest of the prescription from "Major League" just to be sure. So here are the other things that the Red Sox should do:

Worship Joe Boo
Jason Varitek should threaten Mike Lowell to "cut (his) nuts off and stuff 'em down his fuckin' throat."
Varitek should drive the bullpen car to hook up with that librarian he's always loved.
Get a life size cut out of a naked Larry Lucchino and rip off one piece of clothing per victory.
Have a fun to watch winning streak montage that ends with them in a first place tie.
Jonathan Paplebon should sleep with Mike Lowell's wife.
Beat the Yankees on a bunt single that scores a run from second base.

I would also hire Neil Flynn to root for the Red Sox but that's optional. The Red Sox should get on the rest immediately.

I Would Hope That A Wise Latina Woman Would Have Learned to Walk

2009-06-08T13:49:00.004-04:00

... and other helpful ditties for the Republican Party to use as spin. That's because, in the latest shocking development in the appointment of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court, she broke her ankle this morning (!):

The White House says Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor has broken her ankle after an airport stumble in New York City. Sotomayor fractured her right ankle Monday morning at New York's LaGuardia Airport before boarding a shuttle to Washington for an afternoon of meetings with senators. She'll keep her six appointments on Capitol Hill Monday despite the injury, which has her walking with crutches, the White House said. The judge has kept up a busy schedule in Washington as the White House presses for her quick confirmation. She even stopped at the White House before heading to the hospital for an x-ray.

So, without further ado, here are the ways Republicans can spin this to their advantage:

Her court decisions are as clumsy as her walking style.
She's trying to make us feel empathetic!
Her fractured ankle represents the way her appointment is fracturing the country.
Her legal decisions don't have a leg to stand on.
She fracture her right ankle. Like her court decisions, she favors the left.
Her favoritism of LaGuardia Airport over JFK Airport is reverse racism.
She is now walking on crutches? Her whole life, she has gotten everywhere she got because of crutches!
She stopped at the White House before the x-ray? What will happen in future emergencies? Will she check with Obama before deciding?
Even the hospital didn't have her stay, and we want to give her a lifetime position?
Here is a woman who won't abort her meeting schedule but is fine with woman aborting their babies. Disgusting.
She takes care of the fracture on a small bone. No word on worrying about the bigger bones. This is out and out favoritism.

Use these lines, Republicans. You can trip up her nomination yet.

hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for the idea and help. leave your suggestions for Republicans in the comments.

And Dick Cheney Should Hire Jack Nicholson as his "You Can't Handle the Truth" Spokesman

2009-06-03T11:45:00.001-04:00

With this country's newest bailout of General Motors, we now own the vast majority of the company:

The latest plan for the troubled automaker, which is expected to file for bankruptcy by Monday, calls for the Treasury Department to receive about 70 percent of a restructured G.M.

The Obama administration should have used Oprah Winfrey to announce the policy:

YOU get a car! YOU get a car! YOU get a car!

Carlos Beltran Understandably Misses Third Game in a Row

2009-06-02T16:48:00.004-04:00

New York Mets news, courtesy of Metsblog:

Yet again, Carlos Beltran will not be in tonight’s starting lineup, missing his third-consecutive start due to a stomach bug.

Now, some might think that it's a little wimpy to miss three games with a stomach bug, but those people aren't considering that the bug he has in his stomach is actually the Volkswagen Bug:

Don't judge a Beltran till you've digested a car in his shoes.

Word of the Day: Well Blogumented

2009-06-02T16:22:00.004-04:00

Well Blogumented - [wel blog-yuh-ment-ed] adj

To support an assertion or claim by repeating that assertion or claim many times, occasionally with actual evidence or decisive information.
(example= Andrew Sullivan's hatred of Sarah Palin is well blogumented.)

DeAngelo Hall drops 25 Points - in Madden and in Life

2009-06-02T13:20:00.006-04:00

(hattip Matt Mosley for the story)

My fascination with professional football players' fascination with Madden is well blogumented. My favorite part is:

"The more I talk to players, the more I realize how important these video game ratings really are. These numbers are talked about in the locker rooms and even on the practice field. When somebody misses a block, guys will joke about how his rating just dropped five points."

But not really, right? I mean these are adults. They won't get bogged down with how a video game scores them. I mean, take Redskins cornerback DeAngelo Hall, who fell precipitously from last year's game from a 93 to a 68. It probably won't affect him. Right? DeAngelo?

"Ah, I'm feelin' good, man. We just keep trying to get better, but, yeah, I'm trying to blow off some steam with my Madden rating... As the release date gets closer, I'm starting to get a little bit more paranoid, I'm thinking about trying to get my name and likeness pulled off the game entirely. 'Cause this is bull."

To repeat, DeAngelo Hall is thinking of holding out... from Madden. This game gets more real every year.

But the best part...
The Redskins blogger asks the important question- "What about EA making in-season improvements to the ranking?" Good question. DeAngelo?

"They do that as the season goes on, so hopefully if I grab ten or twelve [interceptions], and get my respect back, my dignity back... I'm a little disappointed in the system. Good thing I don't play the game for Madden ratings."

You hear that, Madden? He doesn't play football for Madden ratings. So screw you. On the other hand, he does get his respect and dignity from madden ratings. So screw... him?

It's confusing but we now know 3 things:

DeAngelo Hall does not play football for respect or dignity. (following his logic)
DeAngelo Hall's respect and dignity has dropped from a 93 to a 68.
NFL players' fascination with Madden is amazing to behold.

Last Night, The Real Slim Shady Stood Up

2009-06-01T17:10:00.003-04:00

... And Left the MTV Movie Awards.

"What happened?" you ask. Well, remember in "The Real Slim Shady,"Eminem opined (emphasis mine):

"But Slim, what if you win, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me here?
So you can, sit me here next to Britney Spears?

Yup. Britney Spears. That's exactly who MTV wanted you to sit right next to:

Yikes. Christina Aguilera better switch him chairs.

Maybe They Don't Stop You if You're a White Delorean Driving Mad Scientist

2009-06-01T15:58:00.004-04:00

Doc Brown and Marty McFly are lucky there aren't more traffic cops in Hill Valley.

I'd guess the area outside the clock tower has a 35 mph speed limit. Tops.

Archie, You Callous Bastard

2009-05-28T11:56:00.007-04:00

I really shouldn't spend any more words expressing my anger with Archie, but one other thing needs to be mentioned. Take a look at the cover of the comic:

So, yes, I am upset he chose Veronica over Betty, but there is something else also. Look who is there when he gets engaged to Veronica. It's Jughead (best friend, maybe he is there for moral support, maybe he is there to take pictures or video... understandable) and BETTY!

Why is Betty there? They're in a jewelry store (which is ridiculously tacky on its own merits. They just picked out the ring. What's the rush? Did Archie get Veronica pregnant? Is that what this is all about?) so it's possible that she just happened to walk by but... that would be one hell of a coincidence.

Much more likely is that Archie actually invited Betty to witness this moment in his and Veronica's life. Which brings me to my point... Archie, you are a callous bastard. If I'd known all along that this is who you were, I never would have rooted for you and Betty in the first place.

He Should Have Worn the Ribbon

2009-05-27T18:40:00.006-04:00

New York Magazine's Daily Intel blog linked to the harrowing tale of a mugged Brooklyn subway rider:

A subway dance troupe turned militant on May 25 when the dancers viciously mugged a 22-year-old straphanger on the J train... One of the perps asked the victim if he would like to “see something mesmerizing.” The victim said yes, so the perp pulled himself into the air on the train’s metal bars and unleashed a powerful kick to the victim’s chest. Two other dancers then joined in the attack and started punching and kicking the victim in the head and body.

The police have released a rough sketch of these street toughs:

The victim was robbed of his wallet, dignity, and an armoir.

CNN Can't Keep Up with All the Lingo the Kids are Using Nowadays

2009-05-26T09:00:00.001-04:00

A gloriously confusing lede from CNN:

She was "shaky" because she "breezed through to the finals."

Can't you just picture the CNN headline writer? You know... shaky - as in "steady." Like the kids say it - the way bad means good and sick means healthy?

Sadly, Urban Dictionary (the place you go to find out the was real kidz speak) does not have CNN's back:

Shaky - Not definite, risky, not very skillful
Example - Erika's skills at driving are kinda shaky after she kills mad beers at Nadine's house.

Turns out that "shaky" just means "shaky."

I also think it's cool that Urban Dictionary got a dad from a Hillary Duff movie to write the example for them.

CNN's mistake. Like the kids say, "my bad." No biggie. LOL :-)

Mitt Romney Chucks Some Dick Cheney Facts

2009-05-22T10:12:00.006-04:00

Here is Mitt Romney's I-can't-believe-he-actually-okayed-this-without-punching-himself-in-the-face response to yesterday's National Security speeches by Barack Obama and Dick Cheney (emphasis mine):

[Barack Obama] said that the last thing he thinks about when he goes to sleep at night is keeping America safe. That's a big difference with Vice President Cheney—when it came to protecting Americans, he never went to sleep.

Hmm... Remind you of anyone?

"Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits."

When did Dick Cheney become Chuck Norris and get his own Dick Cheney Facts? I don't know, but I'm in Romney. You had me at "never went to sleep."

They found the weapons of mass destruction. Turns out they were under Dick Cheney's sleeves.
People Make fun of Dick Cheney for keeping a giant man size safe in his office, but where else is he going to keep his giant man-size balls.
Deficits don't matter when Dick Cheney's there. When Cheney's around, nothing is ever lacking.
The only form of torture Dick Cheney knows is tickle torture. Too bad he's not ticklish.
When Dick Cheney shoots you in the face, you apologize to him.
America is not a democracy, it's a Dicktatorship.

This is great news for him and. like Chuck, it makes him really hard to prosecute.

If I forgot any of your favorite Dick Cheney facts, add them in the comments.

You're Either Pro-Sanctity of Marriage or Anti-Children. Those are the sides of this debate.

2009-05-21T15:30:00.009-04:00

"I'm Confused" says the final kid in that ad. Aw. Do you think it's good to confuse helpless children? What kind of a monster are you?

There's only one problem. Do you know what else confuses kids? EVERYTHING. Everything confuses kids. Every day, everything about life confuses kids.

Both of my grandmothers were named Sylvia. As a child, I thought that all grandmas changed their name to Sylvia, and were called "Grandma Sylvia." Why did I think that? Because I had a tiny, developing brain and I got confused very easily because EVERYTHING CONFUSES KIDS.

In fact, This American Life, has an entire segment dedicated to:

children who get a mistaken idea in their heads about how something works or what something means, and then don't figure out until well into adulthood that they were wrong.

The segment included stories about a girl who thought monkeys painted her tissue box, someone who thought unicorns were an actual species of animal, a girl who thought "Deer Xing" signs were pronounced "Deer zing," and a boy who thought all the people included in surveys for TV ratings shared the last name "Nielsen." Why did these people think that? Because EVERYTHING CONFUSES KIDS!

You know what else confuses kids? Tooth Fairies and Santa Claus. Who sells them these lies?

Anyway, to the idiots who put out commercials like this: it's your bigotry about gay marriage that is going to be the mistaken idea that your kids won't figure out was wrong until adulthood. It's one more myth that will eventually be dispelled. You're part of the everything that confuses kids.

Ugh.

You know what the saddest part is? This is actually a step up from Republicans latest arguments against gay marriage.

Oh, Man. The Pepsi Center Really Wanted to See John Cena Take on The Big Show

2009-05-21T01:24:00.009-04:00

Here are tonight's top headlines from espn.com. Take a look at highlighted number 7:
"Pepsi Center Stunned as WWE Raw Goes to L.A." As Brother of the Blog Amir asks, who writes like that?

In truth, I would sort of love for the rest of the sports news to be written anthropopathically:

Quickens Loan Arena Distraught over Cavaliers 1 Point Loss; Blames Itself
Yankee Stadium Insulted by "Easy to Hit Homeruns" Talk
Jailhouse Feels Less "Rapey" Without Michael Vick

But why stop with sports news?

Guantanamo Bay Fearful of Terrorists; Wants America to Imprison Them
Craigslist Strangely Aroused by Prostitution Ring
Waterboard Tortured by Weight of Detainees

Nice. Internet Amused by Mocking of ESPN's Headline

Twitter for Twitter's Sake?

2009-05-20T12:07:00.003-04:00

I know I've complained about Twitter before, but if you'll indulge me once more, uh... WHAT??? (emphasis is so very much mine):

TweepMe is the easiest way to get new followers on Twitter. When a new member joins, every other member automatically follows the new member, and the new member follows them back. The process is gradual and happens over the course of weeks or months depending on the number of TweepMe members.

Correct me if I am wrong here, but isn't the whole point of Twitter to follow friends or, in the very least, people with common interests? What possible appeal is there to just follow random people who, not only do you not know anything real about, you don't even know what they'll Tweet about?

And on the writing side, isn't the challenge and interesting part of Twitter to be concise/ interesting enough to earn followers? What possible appeal is there to sign up to Twitter and then automatically have strangers following you?

Whatever. I guess I shouldn't complain if someone wants to create a free sub-social network within a social network, right? No. So very wrong of me:

TweepMe membership costs $12.95 for a lifetime account.

If the lottery is a poor tax, TweepMe is a pathetic loner tax.

Thanks to Marginal Revolution for the link, and out of tradition:

What's Worse Than Finding A Poop in Your Salad?

2009-05-19T14:47:00.003-04:00

This is me pointing to a tiny stain on my pants. This stain occurred during lunch at Bryant Park. I saw it land, which leaves 2 options for how it got there:

A bird pooped on me
A drop of my salad dressing fell on me

On the one hand, it looks like bird poop (was white, black on my napkin), which makes me think that... it's bird poop. On the other hand, it's a tiny drop, which makes me think that it's salad dressing.

If it's bird poop, I got shat on today. If it was in my salad, my salad had something in it that looked curiously like, but may very well not have been, bird poop.

This may be the worst kind of catch of all. I have no idea which I would prefer.

You Definitely Wouldn't Want to Get "Poked"

2009-05-18T16:26:00.004-04:00

CNN is carrying a warning from the Shin Bet:

Terrorism groups are using Facebook and other social networking sites to recruit Israeli citizens as spies, the Israeli government warned Monday... "The Shin Bet has gotten many reports about cases where terrorist elements are using the Internet to get in touch with Israelis with proposals to enlist in terror activity or to pass classified information in exchange for payment," the statement said.

It was only a matter of time before terrorists got into social marketing. And it translates so well to facebook. I look forward to my news feed:

Anas Al-Liby invited you to the event "Ain't No Party Like a Jihad Party"
Ayman al-Zawahiri > Abu Ayyub al-Masri: Happy Birthday!!! Death to America :-)
Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed took the "What Kind of Terrorist Are You?" Quiz. And the Result was "A Suicide Bomber." You are stealthy, quick and good at getting into places. You are a hero. You look good in baggy clothes. You don't mind dying because you know you'll have 70 virgins waiting for you.
Osama bin Laden is "livin' in a cave... down by the river!" LOL!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad likes this

Why are they even coming up on my newsfeed? Simple. I hate defriending people.

The Secret of the Postsecret

2009-05-18T15:30:00.007-04:00

The first postcard from this week's Postsecret blog post is a potent and touching one:

Now, here is her logic:

You get punished for not believing in god
She doesn't believe in god
She will get punished (in this case, that her husband "won't come home")

You good with that?

I'm not.

This woman is worried that her lack of belief in god deserves to be/ will be punished. Well, who would dole out that punishment? God! If you truly don't believe in god, then you also don't believe he has the ability to punish anyone. Since she thinks that her lack of belief in god will be punished by god.... she must, by definition, believe in god. Therefore her husband can't be punished for any lack of belief.

All in all, I guess by her logic, this is great news for her. Her true secret is that she does believe in god.

Now it's time to resume reading this week's blog post to find out if someone eats their coworker's tuna sandwich.

Where is the Stimulus Package?

2009-05-18T13:08:00.000-04:00

The New Republic has a fun slideshow of ads that use the recession to sell their products.

Included on the list are:

Beds

Condoms

and Virgins

And even with all three of those... there is still, no sign of my Stimulus Package idea. Get on it, corporate America.

Kim Hendren Makes This Jew Write a Blog Post

2009-05-14T14:36:00.004-04:00

And just when I forgot that Arkansas was a state, I read about this doozy:

Arkansas state senator Kim Hendren is drawing fire for referring to New York Sen. Chuck Schumer as “that Jew” during a speech with Pulaski County Republican party activists.

Uy.

But don't worry, he has an apology:

"At the meeting I was attempting to explain that unlike Sen. Schumer, I believe in traditional values, like we used to see on The Andy Griffith Show... I made the mistake of referring to Sen. Schumer as ‘that Jew’ and I should not have put it that way as this took away from what I was trying to say."

Nope. I was wrong. That's not an apology at all. His mistake is not because -you know- you shouldn't refer to someone as "that Jew," but because it took away from his point, which I remind you was: a belief "in traditional values, like we used to see on The Andy Griffith Show."

We are, after all, a nation founded on (that) Judeo-Christian-Griffith principles.

I bet he would get it right with a second chance, though:

"I ought not to have referred to it at all," Hendren told the AP. "When I referred to him as Jewish, it wasn't because I don't like Jewish people."

Or he'd get it wrong again.

Just to be clear, it's not because Hendren doesn't like Jewish people. It's just that he finds the easiest way to define and identity individual Jews, who he happens not to like, as "that Jew." It's not a racist thing. It's just that Jews are so obviously Jew-ey and that's what people think about when they see them.

He then stressed that we should be focusing on all the shit that black guy in the White House is getting us into.

Erroneous on Both Accounts

2009-05-13T23:00:00.003-04:00

Whilst ambling up 5th Avenue today, a fast walking man bumped into a female, causing the following back and forth.

Man: (sincerely) Excuse me.
Woman: (angrily) That's my space!

It occurs to me that this woman has made two errors in her calculations:

A quick perusal of the New York City Department of Transportation's "Pedestrians and Sidewalks" section makes it clear that ownership of sidewalks falls to the city or to building owners, and not to pedestrians.
Even if the sidewalk was truly "her space," this man was obviously not attempting to overtake her territory. He had no weapons, no plan, and no armor. He's not going to fall prey to one of the classic blunders: never get involved in a land war on 5th Avenue.

So... to Man I say what woman should have: You're Excused.

A&E - 4th Largest Cable Network. Redux.

2009-05-12T13:54:00.004-04:00

This is my second attempt at defending A&E for their claim of being the fourth "largest" cable network. I think this time, with help from Amicus Blogus Butch, I've cracked the case. Let's take a look at their hit shows:

1) Dog the Bounty Hunter-
2) CSI: Miami -

3) Gene Simmons Family Jewels -

4) The Two Coreys -

Clearly, then A&E is the 4th Largest Cable Network - when measured in douchebag wearing sunglasses terms.

It's actually surprising to fall to number 4, but it's going up against juggernauts in the top 3 spots:
3) The How to Hide Your Eyes From Noticeable Signs of Drug Usage Network
2) The Poker Channel
1) The Michael Phelps Network

Twitter Ruins Chinese Proverbs Too

2009-05-12T12:16:00.003-04:00

If "a picture is worth a thousand words," how could twitpic possibly exist?

And since this is about 140 characters too short to post: