Friday, July 31, 2009

A Word to Terrorists

In the recently released Bruno, which I have not yet viewed, there is a scene where Sacha Baron Cohen interviews a member of the al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade (Their Tag Line: You know we're good; It says "martyrs" right in our name!), a terrorist group. During the interview, Cohen tells the terrorist “Your king Osama looks like a kind of dirty wizard or homeless Santa.” I'd add "hirsuit light pole" just to rub in the fact that he's living in a cave, but that's neither here nor there.

Well, in the most unshocking (we need a word for that... and not just "predictable") development since David Ortiz was caught for steroid use, Tablet Magazine reports that terrorist groups aren't great at poking fun at themselves (although I shouldn't generalize - maybe al-Aqsa Martyrs Brigade isn't great at poking fun at themselves, but al Qaeda is a riot):
The Brigades announced in a statement that they were “very upset,” and that, er, “We reserve the right to respond in the way we find suitable against this man.”
Once again... they reserve the right to respond to (read: blow up) Sacha Baron Cohen.

A word to all the terrorists who read this blog, please. Listen, guys, you're the terrorists. You don't need to reserve rights. Firstly, if you needed rights, you'd just take them. Via terrorism. It's what you do. Terrorists don't need to make reservations. If a terrorist wants a table at a restaurant, he doesn't call and ask for a booth in the non-woman section, he just shows up and takes the table of his choosing. You don't like it? He blows you up. This is the whole advantage to terrorism! You just take stuff! You don't need to reserve it.

But even moreso... Just because you reserve the right, doesn't mean you have it. If I reserve the right to sleep with your wife, I still don't get to have sex with her. Why? Because that's not an actual right! I don't have the ability to claim "prima nocta" (not anymore, at least. Damn you Reformation!) Likewise, terrorists, and I hope you are still reading, there is no "right" to murdering someone for making a joke at your expense. That isn't a thing. You can't claim that "right."

Has this been the problem all along? Have terrorists just been going around America, Iraq, Israel, and Afghanistan calling dibs, planting the flag for their little terrorist groups, reserving the right to "respond in the way (they) find suitable?"

Maybe this is all one big miscommunication. Here we were thinking that we were the ones who wanted rights and freedom, and the terrorists were using violence to coerce us into being subservient to them. Meanwhile, they were just exercising the right (which they reserved, mind you) to blow us up when we upset them. So let me clear it up: There is no right to "respond in the way (you) find suitable." Okay? You're not allowed to be doing this whole terrorism thing.

Glad I took care of that. We just needed to clarify it a little. Good talk.

And that should end terrorism.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Maybe It Wasn't Just About Reading the Riders

Scientists have found that the blue dye found in M&Ms has been linked to reducing spine injuries.

There's a reason you don't see members of Van Halen with scoliosis. Or M&Ms with herniated disks.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It Would Also Be a New Job Description for the Team Doctor

(hattip, Amicus Bloggus Dan)

Though, I already wrote about this in the Huffington Post, there was one part of the Washington Post's article explaining why the Mystics don't employ a kiss cam (because same-sex kissing is controversial) that deserved its own highlight:
"We wouldn't broadcast on our Jumbotron about abortion issues because of the religious and political conflicts it would cause," said Lindsey Harding, the team's point guard. "It's a similar, sensitive subject. We don't want to put anything out there to turn down certain fans."
So because they don't want to offend "certain fans" (certain wimpy fans, if I may say so), the rest of us lose out on an in-stadium abortion cam?

We need to be entertained during timeouts!

Think of all the other things that we can't scan the crowd for and show on the jumbotron just because of politically correct concerns:
  • Illegal Immigrant Cam - The Pepsi Party Patrol shoots 1 green card into the stands. Anyone who is here illegally and doesn't catch the green card is deported by Lou Dobbs.
  • Stem Cell Research Cam - We watch as stem cells take on the characteristics of the cells in the seats around them. The crowd texts in their vote guessing which type of cell it will become.
  • Tax Cam - As The Beatles' "Tax Man" plays, some of the best seated one percent of the crowd give up their seats to help the poorest seated 75% of the crowd.
  • Global Warming Cam- The crowd cheers as the Heat-o-meter rises in the stadium. The zanier the crowd the higher on the scale it can go from "Ice Age" to "Global Meltdown"
If we can only have Cams that we all agree on, we're going to lose out on a lot. I hate that smile cam, for example. What are all those people hiding?

Monday, July 27, 2009

Hate Jews? We've Got an App for That

Tablet Magazine brings word of a new iPhone app for Jews looking for a shul (emphasis mine):
We received word of a new iPhone application that seems absolutely essential for a Jew-on-the-go: it uses your location, which the iPhone captures via GPS, to tell you where the closest synagogues are to you, “from a database of almost 5,000 shuls.” The program, which is produced by Lost Tribe Apps, also lists the synagogues by denomination and size, and even contains many rabbis’ names and contact information.
Um... Isn't this potentially a tragically horrific application in the wrong hands? If you were a militant skinhead/ white supremacist, wouldn't you be downloading this app?

It would go right next to the "Hitlerize Me" icon.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Really, Michael Vick? REALLY?

I've spent some time on the blog, questioning the legal system re: Michael Vick, but this befuddles me:
Former NFL QB Mike Vick had been in prison for 19 months before being released into federal custody in May. Monday, he was released from federal custody. What was the first thing Vick did? The former Falcons QB went to Atlantis strip club in Virginia Beach, Virginia.
And that story doesn't even mention who the strippers were:

She's just trying to pay her way through obedience school.

It's Time for the Prison System to Shape Up

I have watched television in my life so I know that, when arrested, I have the right to make one phone call.

But - let's be honest- who calls people anymore? That's so 2000-and-late.

It's time for the prison system to shape up. If I get arrested, I want to be able to make my one email, one text message, or one tweet.

Let's take as an example:
What would be better for the Syrian Rabbis arrested this morning - one measly phone call or a tweet... to god? ("@God Why have you forsaken me? #moneylaundering")

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

What Happen in Humor Slay Me, Stays in Vegas

(hattip Amicus Bloggus Av)

It's good to have the Rio on board as a HumorSlaysMe reader:

Though, if we try to understand this ad fully... the package is -well- a package, i.e. male genitalia, and it is the package that is being stimulated, so males are getting aroused. As Chippendale's is a club for women... you know what, let's not over think this one.

And because I considered the possibility that our heavier female customers might actually prefer a heavier, heavier man that they could identify with... enjoy.

The Kids Are All Wrong

(hattip Amicus Blogus Josh)

Time Magazine has a list of "Nine Kids food to Avoid." On the list at Number 8 - Sunny D!

Wow, Sunny D is really bad for you, says Time:
Sunny D may contain a full day's supply of vitamin C, as its bottle says, but the tangy orange drink is drowning in sugar — 27 g per glass.
Someone should have told these kids:

After all this time, they should have chose purple stuff.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Now That's Some Nutty Advertising

On the subway this morning, I saw the most incredible advertisement of my entire life. This is the eye-catching picture on the top of the poster:

Angst, conflict, trouble, pain. Here is a man in a suit, a business man, a respectable man, and he is crying out for help. He is poised, cell phone open. If only he had the courage and the wherewithal to make some monumental decision. But he is stuck. He is torn. He can not decide. What could possible sway his mind? Is there some way in which he could muster the courage to act?

"There Is!" claims the ad:




I've seen some absurd advertisements in my life, but I think "if you eat peanuts, you will have the energy (isn't it more 'gumption' than 'energy' anyway? Do peanuts give you nerve?) to call a girl" is just about the most asinine thing I have ever seen.

It's a simple message - Eat peanuts and be happy or don't eat peanuts and die alone. Sucks to have a nut allergy.

The worst part is that I can just see the sad ad exec, hopped up on a marathon viewing of Mad Men, coming into the office and putting forward his best Don Draper - placing a finished scotch glass on a coaster, taking a drag from his cigarette, and definitively explaining "we're not selling peanuts, we're selling love."

Whatever happened to the good ol' days of old fashioned peanut advertising - when instead of peanuts giving you love, they gave you something much more realistic...

Matt Drudge Gets to the Stimulus Package Joke Only One Month After TMZ

And only 5 months after Humor Slays Me (hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus)

Here's the headline on today's Drudge Report:
Even the NY Post had "Baby Got Barack." Drudge could probably have gotten away with "Obama is a Radical Ass-lam," or an Eifel Tower joke for Sarkozy. Heck, we had a few suggestions yesterday in the blog and comments.

And for those keeping score at home (I know that's what most of you do - sit at home and make up a scoring system for this blog so you can then keep score of it), that's two straight posts where world leaders may or may not be checking out the ass of a young woman.

I hope to get back to Hooters girl videos soon.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

It's a G8 Summit Punch Line Off!

This picture happened causing the second HumorSlaysMe punch line-off of 2009. Me vs. Me vs. You. (hattip Daily Intel)

  • Good to see them practicing a little backdoor diplomacy.
  • Apparently the G in G-8 Summit stands for G string.
  • She's a member of the Ass-ociated press.
  • Barack Obama bows for Saudi kings but not for that?
  • Good to see that some of Bill Clinton's policies weren't uprooted over the last 8 years.
  • MidEast peace is still on the agenda, but first they're gonna get themselves a piece of that ass.
  • Berlusconi later asked her "What you gon' do with all that junk? All that junk inside that trunk?"
Ultimately, it's good to know that our leaders pracitce diplomacy the same way Astronaut Jones does:

I'll see you in the comments.

Quitters Never Prosper?

I have mostly stayed away from Sarah Palin's resignation (aside from comparing her to a horror movie villain, but what was I supposed to do? Not compare her to a horror movie villain? No. I didn't think so), but Andrew Sullivan links to a thought, that I must in full candor admit- I had not thought of on my own. In all honesty, I probably would not have:
In 1754, Lt. Col. George Washington quit the Virginia militia, an obscure fact that now seems a bit more interesting in the wake of Gov. Sarah Palin's resignation in Alaska.
That does seem more interesting.

This whole George Washington/ Sarah Palin thing is even more eerie when you consider all the similarities:
  • Neither were members of the liberal elite or mainstream media
  • They were both pretty mavericky (King George thought George Washington went rogue)
  • Both had Tea Parties go on under their watch
  • Both had nice hair
  • Both had children named Trig
  • Neither ever told a lie
In fact, the fact that both George Washington and Sarah Palin both quit has made me rethink a lot about quitting, too. I mean, isn't it good to quit smoking or drinking or drugs? Yes, it is. What if Michael Jordan had never quit baseball? That would have been bad. Jack Twist wishes he knew how to quit (you.) So, think about that.

Of course, it is slightly more complicated that that. Palin herself said:
"I am not a quitter. I am a fighter."
So if Washington was a quitter, how can we possibly compare non-quitter Sarah Palin to him?

Although when you think about it, General George Washington was also a fighter, so don't worry- George Washington and Sarah Palin are still pretty much the same person.

Why You Should Churn By Waterfall

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus)

A sad story out of my home state:
An employee at a New Jersey chocolate processing plant died Wednesday after falling into a vat of hot chocolate, according to a spokesman for the Camden County Prosecutor's office.
I was told specifically not to be alarmed, that he wouldn't be harmed. Sure he might be altered a bit, maybe turn into a luscious bit of fudge.... but not this. Goddamn Oompa Loompas.

They'll probably get away with it too. It's so hard to pick one out of a lineup.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

"Pleasant Hooters!"

Sometimes, other people do the joke for you. Take this clip of a morning show segment starring a Hooters girl from WGN Morning News. They deliver their own punchline.

:01 - :28 = This is the part of the video where the waitress demonstrates how she helps her customers visualize her having sex. Amazingly, this is the setup for the joke.
:29 = This is the punchline. Delivered for me. Enjoy.

The Structure of Porn is Collapsing on Samson

A front page article on the cover of today's New York Times highlights the ways in which technology is affecting the production of porn movies. Apparently, the little dialogue that was actually spoken in those movies is being increasingly replaced with - sex. And one starlet, Savanna Samson (whose sexual strength- I'd like to believe- comes from her pubic hair), is none too happy about it:
Savanna Samson once relished preparing for a role. “I couldn’t wait to get my next script... I used to have dialogue.”
Then comes the money quote:
“Getting it on in one hardcore scene after another just isn’t as much fun."
Which makes me think that Savanna Samson may just be in the wrong profession.

Best of all is the photo the New York Times includes with the story:
Can't you just sense the existential angst this poor woman is going through? She used to be a porn actress and now, now - it's like people only care about how well she can have sex on camera. It's tragic, really.

Addendum- One Amicus Bloggus, "Ryan," is severely affected by this development and it needs to be mentioned here.

Ryan likes watching porn, but he only likes the dialogue and the setup. He, like Savanna Samson- I guess, doesn't like the porn part of porn. Why would someone bother watching porn only for the setup, you ask. Simple. Here is Ryan's logic:

I could never realistically end up in any of the porn situations in porn, but the setup to the sex, the dialogue- that's something that could happen to me.

Ryan's lack of both confidence and voyeurism aside, the porn industry's move away from dialogue and toward more sex is leaving Ryan, and all the other sex-situations-without-sex pervs, out in the cold.

Sarah Palin and Queen Esther- Both Beauty Contest Winners

Though I think the talent that Queen Esther had to perform was a different sort of flute playing than Sarah Palin's.

On The Plank, Jonathan Chait asks an interesting question today:
One of the most alarming things about Katherine Harris--remember her?--was her persistent fantasy that she was a modern-day Queen Esther, dramatically proclaiming, "If I perish, I perish." Now Sarah Palin is saying, "If I die, I die." Is she also indulging the Queen Esther fantasy?
Now, we'll leave aside that Chait missed the more obvious fantasy she is indulging, and just say that if she is indulging her Queen Esther fantasy... well, Orphan said it best:

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I'd Watch ViewMaster... of the Universe. Maybe.

hr/photos/stylus/96886-view-master_341x182.jpgDreamworks is making a movie based off of the old ViewMaster toys. Seriously.

You may remember ViewMasters as well as I do, but for our younger readers, let me explain what ViewMaster was. I hope our older readers will enjoy the memory lane stroll.

ViewMaster was a crude plastic toy that you could look into and into which you put a white wheel with slides (slides are hard copies of pictures that you can project onto the wall.) Then you turned the wheel with a plastic switch and viewed the images one after the other. Often, these images in succession, would tell a story. Other times, they would not. they'd just be a bunch of related pictures.

These ViewMasters had many limitations, such as:
  1. A very limited amount of pictures (I think it was 12) were available for viewing.
  2. It was just a bunch of pictures. It had no sounds or music or moving images or anything that helps tell stories.
  3. You could accidentally load the slide at the wrong place, thereby ruining any surprises in the story. (One saving grace, you only had 12 pictures, so the stories weren't interesting enough to be "ruined.")
  4. If you put it in facing the wrong way, the pictures appeared backwards. This was confusing.
  5. If the wheel got bent, you couldn't put it in the ViewMaster. And you couldn't really just View these pictures, sans Master.
  6. You looked like a doofus while using them. (Think RecSpecs + What people thought virtual reality glasses would look like)
So why did we use them? One reason only. And I think this reason is the most perplexing thing about this movie... We used them because - they were the best we had. It was ViewMasters or books. Those were the story telling toys we were privy to. It was the best we had if we weren't watching TV.

But you know what's better than ViewMasters? Everything in the world that exists now. Ipods fix all the problems we once had with ViewMasters. (Yeah, I'm going to leave the idea of Ipods as a modern ViewMaster out there.) Digital cameras do more than ViewMasters!

So they are making a movie about a crude device that was replaced by portable movie players. I wonder if it will be played only on AM radio.

Palin's Speeches Remain Unclear, But Her References Are Awfully Specific

(hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for the catch)

The quote from this morning's NY Post:
Apparently, she can see Ivan Drago from her house.

Couldn't you just see Palin explaining herself at her next news conference by saying "I fight to win! I fight for me! For Me!"

And, of course, the requisite Ivan Drago tribute:

T minus 6 hours till someone has the Drago/Palin mashup online. I think that's how this whole saga ends. I think Sarah Palin goes the Drago route and helps to end the Cold War.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

What's the Internet Like, Ron?

(hattip Amicus Bloggus AB for showing me the site)

There's a cute site called What Does The Internet Think that claims to give you a big picture outlook as to what the internet thinks on a topic of your choosing. Is it a good representation of the internet? Two simple searches have confirmed for me that it 100% understands not only how the internet thinks, but how the internet approaches the world. (You can click on the pictures below to see a larger view)

Search #1 - Hitler

Search #2 - LOL Cats

98.8% of the internet doesn't care about Hitler. That seems correct. Unless an starts up, it's probably destined to stay that way.

On the other hand, 100% of the internet has an opinion on LOL cats. In other words, there is no one who uses the internet and is neutral about LOL cats. The vast majority of it is positive, of course. This is because of how funny LOL Cats truly are.

I think this site has explained the internet better than I ever could.

It's Past the Time to Ask: What is with all the Rain?

Is there a butterfly convention in China that I don't know about?

(If there was a butterfly convention in China, why do I think I would know about it? Fair point, other voice in my head.)

Rappers Tea Light

I'm sorry, Ms. Goldberg, this is for real.

Jonathan Gutstadt is laid back, sippin' on chivas and juice. He is the latest in a string of jewish hip hop artists. But for him, it's not all about the binyamins. It's about religion. Because Jonathan:
is merging traditional Shabbat prayers with hip-hop in an effort to connect the contemporary generation with centuries-old prayers... The "prayerformace," aptly dubbed by Hip-Hop Shabbat is a modernized version of the Shabbat service, which combines the traditional Friday night prayers with rapping and dancing, backed up by pre-recorded hip-hop, reggae, electronica and dub beats... [including] spin-offs of traditional Friday night liturgy such as "Shalom Aleichem," and Jewish songs like "Oseh Shalom."
It's all fun and games until Hip-Hop Shabbat and Matisyahu start an East Bank-West Bank battle.

It needs to be asked - How pissed off is Etan G right now? He was way ahead of the Jewish hip hop trend. Unless, of course, this is just shmutz off his shoulder.


At Least the Celebration Didn't Involve a Macaulay Culkin Look-alike?

There have been plenty of Michael Jackson tributes since his death one week ago. The BET Awards became a tribute to him. The Game dedicated a song to him. Best Week Ever even brought us the single best and single worst tribute.

Worst tribute, that is, until last night. In a football game last night, the Canadian Football League's Arland Bruce did just about the dumbest thing I have ever heard (emphasis gleefully mine):
Following a TD pass from Kerry Joseph that put Toronto ahead 6-0, Bruce removed his helmet, shoulder pads and uniform top and laid down in the end zone. Bruce said he was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson by pretending to be buried.
Once again - He was honoring the memory of Michael Jackson... by pretending to be dead. Apparently, that's how he'd like to remember Michael.

The best part of this is that a typical outlandish touchdown celebration is... to do a dance. What's one of the main things Michael Jackson was famous for? Dancing. Arland Bruce added 1+1 and came up with -1,700.

I am willing to bet that he can't do a moonwalk, so he decided to come up with the next best thing. I will agree that lying there motionless is a hell of an easier dance step.

[UPDATE - hattip Amicus Bloggus BiMus for finding the video]

Who Said Disco is Dead?

Christopher Bader collapsed while walking in the woods with his wife, Debra. Debra saved his life. How? The CNN headline tells the story:

Disco tune saves man's life

I had assumed from the headline that the tune itself had done the life saving. Not so. But it still is pretty remarkable:
"I looked at him and said, 'He's dead,' because he wasn't moving or making any sounds at all," Bader remembers. "But I pulled the cell phone out of his pocket and called 911, and then a public service announcement I'd heard on the radio popped into my head."

The one-minute PSA from the American Heart Association instructed listeners, in the event of cardiac arrest, to perform chest compressions very hard to the beat of the 1970s Bee Gees song "Staying Alive." When someone suffers cardiac arrest, as pop singer Michael Jackson did last week, the heart stops functioning completely, and brain death begins within four to six minutes if the victim doesn't receive help.

"I sang the song and gave directions to the EMTs at the same time. It was like, 'Stayin' alive, stayin' alive -- take a right here, take a left here -- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive -- take this path down here -- Stayin' alive, stayin' alive,' " Bader remembers.
So the song "Staying Alive" actually helps people stay alive. That's incredible. Is this something that disco music can do? Can listening to disco music work like the cryogenic freezing period for criminals in "Demolition Man," where at the end of it you just have all these new skills you didn't know about?

Was Anita Ward's hit simply instructions to farm owners who needed to call their family for meal time? Has Bear Grylls just listened to more Gloria Gaynor than the rest of us? And how have the Village People not caused "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to topple?

But disco is dead in America and we no longer gain valuable life living and life saving skills from pop music. No wonder our life expectancy is so much lower than Europeans.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

A Sad Lesson in American Justice 4

(hattip The Big Lead)

previously on Humor Slays Me... Michael Vick gets two years in jail for killing dogs. Donte Stallworth goes for ONE MONTH for drunkenly killing a person. And someone gets THREE YEARS in prison for stealing Lance Armstrong's bicycle. Now, on a very special "Sad Lesson in American Justice" -

Just Say No to Drugs.

Unless you are Donte Stallworth. Then, apparently, you can do whatever you want (emphasis mine):
After fatally striking a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in a March drunk driving accident, Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte' Stallworth also tested positive for marijuana use, law enforcement sources say.
Donte Stallworth was high and drunk when he fatally hit someone with his motor vehicle. Can anyone explain to me how he only goes to jail for a month?

Why is the scale of crimes in this country killing a person then killing dogs then stealing a bicycle?

What if I was to Give you Nothing? Is that Something you Might be Interested in?

The concert organizers for Michael Jackson's canceled (for reasons of death) world tour are in a pickle. They will make no money on the actual concerts (see death parentheses above). Yet, they have spent boats of money on promotion. But- what can you do? You got hosed. I guess you just have to refund the money, right? (emphasis mine)
Michael Jackson fans who purchased tickets for his final concerts will receive a full refund or, if they chose, a commemorative ticket, the concert promoter said Tuesday... Fans who decide they would rather have a souvenir will receive a ticket conceived by Jackson. There are eight designs that include holographic images of the entertainer on the front.
By the way, the full refund or, if they choose, the cost of the commemorative ticket starts at $105. But I could see a situation where if you are a lifelong die hard Michael Jackson fan, you would want some sort of ticket as memorabilia. You want a keepsake, albeit a very expensive one. Then I saw the picture alongside the CNN article:

The fans already have regular concert tickets. So here is the choice, essentially:
  1. Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get back $105
  2. Keep your concert ticket to show to friends and get another, much more expensive concert ticket to show to friends
You already have the keepsake they are offering you for 105 dollars. You can have your money back... or nothing. Nothing at all. That's the choice here.

This is outrageous! How do the concert promoters explain themselves here?
"Since he loved his fans in life, it is incumbent upon us to treat them with the same reverence and respect after his death."
But if you're screwing fans over, and your treatment is akin to how he treated his fans, then... ipso facto... by that logic... carry the 7...