Thursday, April 30, 2009

Word of the Day: Dumpany

Dumpany - [duhm-puh-nee] noun

People you converse with via phone, chat, or email while on the toilet.

Movies That Exist: Tiptoes

(hattip Matt and Filmdrunk, who have a great headline)

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying movie trailer. I need all of you to stop what you're doing and watch:

Cannonball! Yes, this actually exists. This is not a parody. This boat is real!

Highlights (and there are too many to do them all justice):
  • "Carol and Steven's life together is perfect"voiced over a blow job scene because nothing says life is perfect like an interrupted blow job.
  • "There's one small problem" - Get it? Small! Cause they're dwarfs! We're hilarious!
  • Gary Oldman: "I'm his brother. We're Twins." One of us is big and one of us is small but we're twins. I bet you've never seen that before, huh?
  • "They're not midgets, they're dwarfs." "Whatever." - To their credit, we're not under the misconception that they'll deal with this with nuance.
  • Kate Beckinsale's assertion that Matthew McConaughey has to tell her that his family is dwarfs followed immediately by a scene where Beckinsale doesn't tell her parents.
  • Kate Beckinsale's weird S&Mish leather collar in said scene.
  • Hilarious dinner scene - serious pregnant scene - hilarious party scene - serious wedding scene. I know comedies don't usually win Oscars, but...
  • "In the role of a lifetime, Gary Oldman" - In the sense that Gary Oldman will only play a dwarf one time in his life, this voice over is undeniably true.
  • "Tiptoes" - Uh, did we mention they were dwarfs? Cause they are.

May this Balderdashian feature recur many times.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Sleeping With 1,000 to 5,000 Women Isn't the Interesting Part...

I am in love with the phrasing in this Q&A with Darryl Strawberry (courtesy of The Big Lead):
Q: How many women did [you] sleep with?
A: I don’t know. More than you should have, just put it like that.
Q: More than 1,000?
A: Oh yeah, of course.
Q: More than 5,000?
A: Oh no, I won’t stretch it that far.
Q: What is the most women he’s been with at one time? Four?
A: No no, I never went down that road… Maybe three.
Strawberry hilariously teeters between trying to come off as a person with normal sexual habits and his true reactions, which give him away. Let's take a better look at that sequence of answers again:

Question #1
Q: How many women did [you] sleep with?
A: I don’t know. More than you should have, just put it like that.
Look, look - I've made some mistakes. I've had my share of parking tickets. Pulled some pranks. I was young once, right? Look, I had a fling once during spring training, slept with one, max two, prostitutes. But come on - Remember that one night you got drunk and ended up waking up in that pool house with the girl with a third nipple? We all have mistakes. So - yea- I slept with slightly more girls than normal...

Question #2

Q: More than 1,000?
A: Oh yeah, of course.
I just said "slightly more girls than normal." OF COURSE I've slept with more than 1,000 women. I have a penis. I have needs. Add that together - that's 1,000+ already. Can you keep these questions interesting? I mean, have I slept with 1,000 women? Have I walked 1,000 steps? Have I continued to be alive for 1,000 days? Come on now.

Question #3
Q: More than 5,000?
A: Oh no, I won’t stretch it that far.
What the hell kind of a person do you take me for? More than 5,000 women? You sick, twisted mother fucker. How do you view women? As objects!? Is sex just a conquest for you!? Does it have no meaning? 5,000 women. Never, and I mean never, have I felt so slighted. 5,000 women? I pity you. I do. May god have mercy on your soul.

Question #4
Q: What is the most women he’s been with at one time? Four?
A: No no, I never went down that road… Maybe three.
I can't. I'm not an orgy guy. Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends. ... Nah, I'm not ready for it.

Want to Make Madden More Realistic? Add Madden

ESPN previews this year's incarnation of my favorite video game, Madden Football. My favorite part about Madden is the way they always strive to get everything realistic. What do I mean by "everything?" Let Phil Frazier, senior producer for Madden, explain:
"Green gloves in Seattle, all the new jerseys that have been announced, Super Bowl patches for the players -- it's all about authenticity... we're even looking into fixing Troy Polamalu's hair... We want everything you see on Sunday to be seen in 'Madden NFL 10'... If you see a kicker warming up on the sideline, that's the type of detail we want you to see in Madden as well. All those details, from little things like the right stripes on uniforms to the kickers warming up, that's what you're going to see in the game... I just think the game is really starting to feel like an NFL simulation should feel, and that's really what I'm most proud of."
In other words (actually, the same word repeated again), everything. And all of it in the name of authenticity. One aspect highlighted in the article is the larger rating gaps between elite and average players. Why is that important? Frazier, again (emphasis mine):
"The more I talk to players, the more I realize how important these video game ratings really are. These numbers are talked about in the locker rooms and even on the practice field. When somebody misses a block, guys will joke about how his rating just dropped five points."
Well, in the name of authenticity/ realism, players teasing each other about their Madden ratings has to be incorporated into the game. In fact, the right way to do that is to have the players in Madden play a "Madden" video game and then have them tease each other in Madden about their "Madden" scores. Of course, in the "Madden" game they play in Madden, the players should be playing "Madden."

It's simple. It looks exactly like this:

Or a Matryoshka Doll.

Whatever. It's still less confusing than Lost.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Either Keira Knightley has an Eating Disorder or Lays is Losing Their Bet

Keira Knightley wants you to know - she does not have an eating disorder.

Despite the fact that she so obviously does have an eating disorder, she goes to great lengths to tell Australian Marie Claire that her life revolves around food and eating. But I think she may have revealed more than she wanted to (emphasis mine):
“I’m a big foodie. In my family life, all good things revolve around the dinner table. My mum’s cooking is great. We have big dinners, and big everything. There’s nothing like a really good chip, a really crunchy, good chip. And I love pasta. I make Bolognese with tons and tons of Parmesan cheese.”
Here's how you know that you're not eating enough: When you refer to chips as "a chip." Who eats one chip? Next time Keira wants to convince the world that she consumes food like a normal human being, she may want to ask around and find out how other humans eat. My advice is to try the word "bag." For example, "there's nothing like a really good bag of chips."

Unless bags of chips are coming with a lot more air in them than they used to, methinks that Keira has a problem.

Monday, April 27, 2009

It's a Productive Draft When You Can Fill a Need

In the New York Post today, Paul Schwartz quotes "one scouting service" describing third round pick Ramses Barden:

Same as Plaxico without foot quickness or speed?

Well, at least we still have a headcase capable of shooting himself.

Friday, April 24, 2009

I Became Something I Never Wanted To Be

Yesterday, I told my boss I might get chicken for lunch leading to a conversation about the mouth watering-ness of fried chicken. Then I changed my mind and went to get pizza. While out, my boss texted me to get him fried chicken. When I told him I was having pizza, he said he couldn't go back to pizza at that point because I had got him too excited for chicken.

And it was then that I realized, I had turned into a cock tease.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

"All Right, We'll Call it a Draw"

Insane news from the world of Mixed Martial Arts:
This Saturday, Kyle Maynard, a congenital amputee with no elbows or knees, will make his amateur mixed martial arts debut at the Auburn Covered Arena in Auburn, Ala.
This guy is obviously impressive, but mixed martial arts? Really? This can't end well. My prediction for the how the fight goes:

He'll bite their legs off.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

And Donna Moss would have eventually asked what "They're evacuating Fargo" means

(hattip Dan for the story)

Jake Tapper has an amusing anecdote from a White House official:
He recalled a busy day at the end of March. The president started the day with a briefing on North Korea's then-pending missile launch, then had to make a decision about what to do about General Motors and Chrysler, then he had to "button down" the new policy in Afghanistan and Pakistan, then he had to re-visit aspects of the decision regarding the auto manufacturers. The adviser was in his office towards the end of the day contemplating the momentous decisions the president had to make. "This is an extraordinary set of items," he recalls thinking. At that precise moment, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel called him and said "They're evacuating Fargo." Jokes the senior adviser, "at that point it became a West Wing episode."

Of course, this is a total misrepresentation and fundamental misunderstanding of the West Wing. There is just no way that in the "West Wing" this official would've heard "they're evacuating Fargo" in his office. Not a chance.

Clearly, he would have been walking through the halls.

It's like the person who gave this quote has never even seen an episode. Ridiculous.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

If 4/20 is Weed Day...

Shouldn't 4/21 be Munchies Day?

Seems like the natural progression of the High Holidays.

Monday, April 20, 2009

"Attended by Dozens of Fans" Isn't the Funny Part Here

The idiocy of this speaks for itself:
Detroit has added teeth to its new Lions logo... The franchise revealed subtle changes to the logo and how the word "Lions" is spelled out during a news conference Monday attended by dozens of fans.... The leaping lion appears more fierce, while the team name features an italicized slant...The team says the changes are consistent with its "sense of mission and direction."
It's like readjusting the cushions on the rearranged deck chairs on the titanic.

The image below. And as you can tell, they will clearly be tougher to play this year.
Detroit Lions logo

A Sketch Idea, A Week Too Late

Re: Last Week's Tea Parties

I have a funny visual in my head about a little girl disappointingly showing up with a plastic cutlery set, a tiny table, and her dolls to one of the tea parties.

Remember, the tea parties were for the good of our children.

A "Susan Boyle" should be the next "Cincinnati Bow Tie"

By now, you have seen the video.

Like the Octomom before her (and see the story for the most disturbing lede you'll ever read), Susan Boyle is now being offered what seems to currently be the right of passage for flash-in-the-pan internet stars: A millon dollars to star in a porn movie.

Finally someone filling the niche for the eyebrow fucking fetish crowd.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

The Egyptian News Network: A Seder Sketch for You



INT. NEWS STUDIO. - DAY. “ENN - Egyptian News Network” logo is visible. KERMIT THE FROG sits behind the desk. All personalities mentioned are animals.

Welcome back to ENN, which, after
Thursday's Arov, is the Mediterranean's
only animal run cable news channel.
Unless you've been buried under a
pyramid, you already know that "Series
of Plagues Bertha" turned the Nile
into blood. Then frogs rained down
here, there, everywhere, and according
to one child witness, even in some
risque palace locations. That plague
also "leapfrogged" me into the lead
anchor slot. I'm Kermit The Frog and
this... is “Plague Watch.”

Montage of blood spurting, frogs, lice, and wild animals, followed by an explosion and “PLAGUE WATCH – DAY 17” graphic on screen.

But is there a new plague coming to
town? And are we, the animals,
specifically at risk? ENN has the
exclusive scoop right after this break.

Commercial airs showing shots of Papyrus plants in fields, people writing, and then a black and white, flashing closeup of hieroglyphics.

Papyrus comes from the ground but
instead of eating it, are humans
using it for... writing? What do
those hieroglyphics mean? And are they
endangering YOUR offspring? Papyrus-
Friend or Killer? A special report
Tuesday at 9. Only on ENN.

Breaking news. Rumors of mass disease
swirling through the animal kingdom.
We have Wolf Blitzer in the field.
Wolf, you there?

WOLF BLITZER, wearing a contamination suit, is in a large open meadow, with ailing animals meandering behind him. Split-screen interview for Wolf and Kermit.

Aaaa-wooo. Thanks Kermit. I'm here at
Cairo-Stone National Park where many
animals have become drastically ill.

Any word on what specifically is

We really don't have any information...
but I'll speculate anyway. It could be
parasites, mad cow, or an STD-like
foot and mouth disease.

Stay safe out there, Wolf. Once again,
Our top story: Pestilence in the
animal kingdom. What can you do to
be safe? We'll tell you. (beat) But
first, it's sports with Chet Rabbit.

CHET RABBIT is at sports desk.

Thanks Kermit, in sports today the Lions
beat the Rams 7-3, and the Tigers mauled
the Cubs. Up next for the Tigers, a very
unhappy squad of bears.

Breaking word, The King of the Jungle
has pledged 18,000 gold pieces to fight
the "War on Pestilence." And now, once
again, we have Wolf in the field. Wolf?

I'm here with Dolly the Sheep, who was
out there when this all began. Dolly,
what did you see?

It was baaaa-aaad.

Really? Baaaa-aaaad? Really?

Wolf gives Dolly a disgusted look, and turns to find another interviewee, a passing fox.

Wow. Michael J. The Fox is here.
What's it like out there?

People are dying. We need help. We
need help now.

There you have it. Pestilence has gone
from bad to worse out here.

Thanks, Wolf. We have Rush Lam-baugh
in the studio. Rush, what do you have
for us?

I'm sorry, did you see Michael J. The
Fox there? He is exaggerating the
effects of the pestilence, he is moving
all around and shaking. It's purely an
act. This is really shameless folks.

And now we go to Owl Williams with the

OWL WILLIAMS appears in front of a map of Egypt and a 7 Day calendar for the forecast. For each day, OWL slaps a picture of the weather on the square..

IT'S GONNA RAIN - on Monday. Then sunny
days are here again on Tuesday, but
a cold front from the north On Wednesday
is going to bring in some hail. Fiery,
fiery hail. Thursday and Friday should
be nice again, some scattered showers
on Saturday and then Sunday will be
cloudy. Very, very, very cloudy.

Thanks, Owl. The W.H.O. has issued a
reminder to not leave your house unless
you are fully protected in a specially
designed plastic suit. I'm being told
the pope has issued a statement in the
reverse, claiming that protection is
causing the spread of pestilence. (beat)
Let's go back to Wolf. Wolf?

Yeah. Everyone's dead Kermit. Thanks for
checking in.

Scary stuff, Wolf, Scary stuff. Coming
up, next, Billy Goat Bush has a preview
of the new charity song "We own the
World," led by Bono of Moo2, and featuring
Sheryl Crow, Snoop Dog, and The Beetles.
This is Kermit The Frog reporting for
Sesame Street – I mean, ENN News.