Monday, December 15, 2008

From the Shoe Bomber to the Shoe Thrower; It's Been Quite a Ride

These are my thoughts on the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush

  • Seriously, who throws a shoe? (yes, it's already been done. Have to love the internet)
  • If I am Bush, that scares me a lot. Anyone crazy enough to shoe throw, really wants to throw bullets. From a gun.
  • In In the Line of Fire, John Malkovich tries to shoot the president with a wooden gun. Why don't we see more guns that aren't picked up by metal detectors? (There must be a simple physics reason. Anyone know?)
  • I am a little impressed with Bush's ducking skills. I might consider him for my dodgeball squad. If you can dodge a shoe, you can dodge a ball!
  • Dear Iraqi Journalist, You just can't miss there. Signed, People Who Don't Have the Courage/Desire to Throw Shoes.
  • This reminds me a lot of one particular Calvin and Hobbes strip. Calvin saves up a snowball from winter to throw at Suzie in Spring, creeps up behind her and throws it from point blank range, only he misses. As he is cursing at himself for missing, Suzie collects the snow and nails Calvin with the snowball. My point? The right play there is for Bush to get the shoe and throw it back at him.
  • Horrific preparation by the journalist there. Rewatch that video. He goes down to take his second shoe off and then throw it at Bush. If you are planning to throw two shoes at someone, you take them both off and have them both handy. In fact, you pull an old trick. You float the first one up. Then, when Bush is looking up, you bomb the second one in, nailing him. This is basic throwing-stuff-at-people strategy.
  • Am I the only one a little disappointed with the secret service here? There is no reason this guy should have been able to reload and sling a second shoe. One? what can you do. That is why it is good that Bush has cat-like reflexes. The second.... no excuse. You take the guy down with a shoe horn or one of those feet measuring things they have in shoe stores. Something.
  • Btw- Did Bush handle this better than anything else in his presidency? "Bush later joked on the incident saying "all I can report is a size ten". That's a great line. Kudos.
  • Most pressing remaining question: Will the Daily Show make the "Dodging the Is-shoes" joke? Feels like a potential correspondent piece.
John Oliver: "Bush is prepared for this... Iraq... Katrina..."
Jon Stewart: "What does that have to do with anything?"
John Oliver: "This is just the latest is-shoe Bush has dodged"

That's it.

Now for bad puns
Bush finally got in touch with the sole of the Iraqi people... I wonder if there was a second shoe-ter... The iraqi people are finally heel-ed... The journalist was just trying to be tongue in cheek...

Friday, December 12, 2008

SNL Jizz In My Pants Parody: Shprizz in My Pants

Hope you enjoy this parody on the digital short from this past week's SNL. This probably works best to read along with the video.

If you haven't seen the Dig Short (and there's no excuse for that), it's worth it to watch the digital short before reading our lyrics. Anyway....

The Definitive Orthodox Jewish Wedding Version

Shprizz in My Pants
To Jizz in My Pants
by Etan, Danny & Binny

Lock eyes from across the room
Walk to the badeken while the trumpets boom
people spread out as I make my way
To that big white chair where you pray
"Od Yishama" they sing and scream
Israel can wait, you're this Zionist's dream
move in close as the zaydies bless
Soon I'll get to see under that dress
lift the veil just to prove that it's you
tonight we get to make our debut
Can't wait to show off taba'at zu
whisper in my ear this is long overdue
and I

Are you trying to make me look like a fool?
I won't apologize, this is just uncool
Mainly your fault for keeping shomer rules
and now I

Your niddah class covered all of this
The impact on a guy from just one kiss
I'm very sensitive, emotions I emit

Before the chuppa I'll change

Down the aisle she walks to her favorite song
to my right side where she belongs
Felt my heart flutter, yeah I'm in love
Look up at god and the chuppa above
Emcee is on the mic, turn off your phones
Tehillim in my hand as i atone
kiddushin is mesader, we're right on track
Ring in my pocket, kittel on my back
Her mom holds her dress and begins to cry
Brush against my body as she circles by
And I

Its perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me
I'm excited for harei at mekudeshet li
And as I stomp my foot down to break the glass, I

To be fair I was startled and scared
That shriek of mazel tov I could have been spared
Walk down from the chuppa and I see her friends
Stop smiling at me, it'll happen again

Late night - enter a room
As I recall it was a yichud room
walked inside and locked the door
Broke my fast and wanted more and I

Posing for pictures as light bulbs flash
A moment of cool in this wedding bash
a touching picture and I look at you and I

First dance run through the arches and I

Simcha circle for a full hora and I

When my friends did shtick at the end of dance two I

Imirtze Hashem by you and I

Ok seriously you guys can we...ok...

I shprizz right in my pants but every thing will be all right
I'll give you a rest try pru urvu tomorrow night
You say I'm disgusting I just call it baal keri
I'm erect at all times till i pri haetz your cherry
Cuz I

(I shprizz in my pants, I shprizz in my pants, yes I shprizz in my pants, yes I shprizz in my pants)
(I shprizz in my pants, I shprizz in my pants)